Image provided by: Clackamas Community College; Oregon City, OR
About The Clackamas print. (Oregon City, Oregon) 1989-2019 | View Entire Issue (April 28, 2004)
C ommentary A pril 28, 2004 T he C lackamas P rint • 5 Friends don't let friends watch 'Friends' Joel Gaynor : C lackamas P rint ■ After 10 years of slowly draw- inglthe souls from its unsuspect ing victims, NBC’s hit show “Friends” is finally calling it quits, marking an undoubtedly awkward return to Thursday night society for millions of teenage girls. As the 10-ycar tenure comes to a close for Ross, Monica, Joey, Rachel, Cfiandler, Phoebe, Grumpy, Dopey and Doc, I can’t help but ponder the question that is likely on many of y®ur minds as well: ‘ Why, in a responsible and civilized society, did it-take so long? Having just listened to John Fogerty’s “Eye of the Zombie,” I am a certified expert and can tell you the answer, oddly enough, is zombies. According to David Chalmers’s website, “Zombies of the Web,” three types of Z|>mbies exist (if you don’t believe me, Google it). The first two are irrelevant and, therefore unimportant, but the third type hits eerily close to hpme. This third type, the Haitian zombie, is characterized by a lack of free will and perhaps soul. “Haitian zombies were once normal people,” the site states, “but underwent zombification by a ‘bokor’ through spell or potion and are afterwards used as slaves.” This explains why, even though the only plot changes “Friends” has incurred over the past decade are its characters’ haircuts, adolescent females across the country continue to gather enthusiastically in hoards every Thursday to witness that particular week’s regurgitation. In light of this significant dis Zolp, duct-tape lover or Klingon: there's a scholarship for everyone 70, or C) They can let the gov ernment pay for it. O pinion E ditor While C may seem like the With the prices of tuition sky best option, students are usually rocketing like the unemployment confronted with piles of paper rate, students must face the work and seemingly insurmount daunting task of finding ways to able competition. However, there pay for college. This leaves colle is a road less traveled when seek gians with a few options. A) They ing cash for college. Some can can work their tails off to pay full come from the most absurd tuition; B) They can take out stu places and offer great rewards. Is your last name Zolp? dent loans and pay for college a little bit at a time—until they’re Probably not, but if it was (and you were Catholic), you’d be eligible for a full ride to any Catholic college in the U.S. for four years. The scholar ship was created by Father Zolp, a catholic priest who attended Loyola University. Now, generations of Zolp children can go to school free of charge. . Looking for some money that doesn’t require divine intervention? Try this one on for size. Every year, the duct tape company offers $2,500 per person to high school couples who go to prom wearing nothing but duct tape—that’s right, duct tape. Not only is duct tape weather resistant (especially useful in Oregon) and cheap, but it INTERNET PHOTO comes in many stylish colors, from earth A high school couple poses for tones to fluorescents, their prom photo in their chosen not just the good ol’ attire—duct tape. silver we’ve all come Ben Maras to know and love. Applicants can be judged in one of three categories: traditional prom attire, theme/costume wear or “just plain silver” attire. One can only wonder if an under- the-table “duct tape contracep tives” scholarship is awarded as a follow-up. Granted, not all students feel cut out for the art of industrial strength adhesives. Those with a language fetish should take special note of these last two opportunities. Treckies all over America can have $500 of their tuition beamed away by applying for the Klingon Language Institute’s scholarship. The scholarship was created to “rec ognize and encourage scholar ship in fields of language” and the ability to speak Klingon is not required. Last but not least, for those seeking a more terrestrial con nection, there is The Chick and Sophie Major Memorial Duck Calling Contest scholarship. This is exactly what it sounds like. Applicants are only required to speak duck—or at least be able to call one. Winners of this $1,500'scholar ship must be proficient in call ing ducks in four categories: hailing, comeback, feeding and mating ... necessary life skills for every farmer and zoophile in the country. Not all of the lesser known scholarships are so absurd; one source got their entire tuition paid for by Betty Crocker. The only catch is that now he knows how to sew and bake. The point of all this is that the money is out there; it just takes a little digging and in some cases, a talent you may not want to reveal to too many people. covery, I think it’s safe to assume (note to • aspiring journalists: always assume) that David Schwimmer and Co. must some how possess this legendary “bokor,” and with it the power to transform unshielded viewers into soulless, will-forsaken (and most commonly brain-eating) creatures of the night. I know this all might seem just a little absurd, but keep in mind who the official automaton guru is here. There are two ways to free a Haitian zombie. One method is to destroy its brains (a wood chipper does the job). While highly effec tive and more than a litde messy, there are side effects common to this technique such as headache, nausea, indigestion and upset stoma'ch (oh, and death; nothing a litde Advil can’t cure). The other method is, well—come to think of it, there really isn’t a second method. I guess the message is really this: If you watch “Friends”, chances are you’re either a zom bie, or you work for NBC, which is another job that, by default, leaves you soulless and without a will of your own (for proof, see “ER” or “Fear Factor”). I know now that there will be no fresh fodder for you to feed on and it may be hard for you to reintegrate with society, but look on the bright side:' Star Trek’s Seven of Nine does just fine without the rest of the Borg. And if fans of “Friends” can’t recover, I know of a few places that rent wood chippers. WWE shows how 'special' a wrestler really can be Hilliary Furgeson T he C lackamas P rint In the hard-hitting, brain bashing arena of World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) Raw, bulbous muscle men ritualistically smash the bodies of their opponents. Usually, the wrestlers are fic tional characters, the alter-ego of the actor himself. Eugene Dinsmore, Raw’s new character, is somehow more “special” than wrestlers of the past. Perhaps it’s his goofy grin or his frazzled, balding mane. Or maybe it’s the fact that he’s pre tending to be mentally retarded! Yes, Nick Dinsmore, the actor portraying “Eugene,” has taken on the role previously assigned to Leonardo DiCaprio in. “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?” in an attempt to prove that the mentally retarded really can con tend in professional sports. The idea is to show children that the disabled really are equal; the WWE sees it as a favor for mentally retarded people every where. Unfortunately, all that has been proven is that some. Americans are willing to cross all boundaries in pursuit of the almighty dollar. What’s especially disturbing is that “Eugene” comes across as comic relief, a source for a few laughs when the fighting gets rough. The crowd laughs hyster ically when he comes on, but they’re most certainly laughing with him. The laughter is meant to be directed at the funny way he talks, or the way he moves his hands. The WWE is coming off as the good guy, when the ulteri or motive is to capitalize on making freaks out of mentally disabled people. The silly thing is, viewers are sup- posed to get a feeling of doing a good deed by cheering for the “litde retard” when they watch Monday Night Raw. If viewers really did want to support the mentally challenged, why not donate time or money to the Special Olympics? In fact, why doesn’t the WWE donate money to the Special Olympics? Assuredly, the WWE is making more money off their fake “retard” than the Special Olympics get from individuals with real chal lenges. Any way one looks at it, it was in poor taste that the WWE’ debuted “Eugene.”- In a day and age where the American government is actively shooting brown people over seas, the public at home should be try ing’ to loosen the stronghold of fear and prejudice. Something as seemingly innocent as portraying someone of limited abilities really can exhibit what is at the core of American minds and values. Without first erasing prejudice, we cannot hope to see the end of the war across, the world and in our own towns. T he C lackamas P rint 19600 S Molalla Ave. I Oregon City, OR 97045 J (503) 657-6958 ext. 2309 The Clackamas Print is a weekly student ■. publication and is distributed every Wednesday except during finals week. Co Editors-in-Chief: Cyndee Mady and Cory Price Ext. 2576 (Mady) or ext. 2447 (Price) Copy Editor: Katie Funk News Editor: Karlin Johnson Opinion Editor: Ben Maras Feature Editor: Karen Hill A&E Editor: Isaiah Creel Sports Editor: Nie Delzell Photo Editor: Jesse Lamond Sports Copy Editor: Frank Jordan Staff Writers: Robb Egan, Joel Gaynor, Hilliary Ferguson, Jessica LeClairc, Bethany Monroe, Jeff Sorensen, Jennifer Trank Production assistants: Michaele Cooper, Brian Hill, Sharon James, James Tombe Photographers: Truman Anderson, Angela Gerhart Adviser: Linda Vogt Department assistant: Lauren Vuylsteke Goals: The Clackamas Print aims to report the news in an honest, unbiased, professional manner. The opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect those of the student body, college administration, its faculty or The Print. E-mail comments to chiefed@clackamas.edu. The Clackamas Print © 2004
