C ommentary
A pril 28, 2004
T he C lackamas P rint • 5
Friends don't let friends watch 'Friends'
Joel Gaynor
: C lackamas P rint
■ After 10 years of slowly draw-
inglthe souls from its unsuspect
ing victims, NBC’s hit show
“Friends” is finally calling it quits,
marking an undoubtedly awkward
return to Thursday night society
for millions of teenage girls.
As the 10-ycar tenure comes to a
close for Ross, Monica, Joey, Rachel,
Cfiandler, Phoebe, Grumpy, Dopey
and Doc, I can’t help but ponder the
question that is likely on many of
y®ur minds as well: ‘ Why, in a
responsible and civilized society, did
it-take so long? Having just listened
to John Fogerty’s “Eye of the
Zombie,” I am a certified expert
and can tell you the answer, oddly
enough, is zombies.
According
to
David
Chalmers’s website, “Zombies of
the Web,” three types of
Z|>mbies exist (if you don’t
believe me, Google it).
The first two are irrelevant
and, therefore unimportant, but
the third type hits eerily close to
hpme.
This third type, the Haitian
zombie, is characterized by a lack
of free will and perhaps soul.
“Haitian zombies were once
normal people,” the site states,
“but underwent zombification
by a ‘bokor’ through spell or
potion and are afterwards used
as slaves.”
This explains why, even
though the only plot changes
“Friends” has incurred over the
past decade are its characters’
haircuts, adolescent females
across the country continue to
gather enthusiastically in hoards
every Thursday to witness that
particular week’s regurgitation.
In light of this significant dis
Zolp, duct-tape lover or Klingon:
there's a scholarship for everyone
70, or C) They can let the gov
ernment pay for it.
O pinion E ditor
While C may seem like the
With the prices of tuition sky best option, students are usually
rocketing like the unemployment confronted with piles of paper
rate, students must face the work and seemingly insurmount
daunting task of finding ways to able competition. However, there
pay for college. This leaves colle is a road less traveled when seek
gians with a few options. A) They ing cash for college. Some can
can work their tails off to pay full come from the most absurd
tuition; B) They can take out stu places and offer great rewards.
Is your last name Zolp?
dent loans and pay for college a
little bit at a time—until they’re Probably not, but if it was (and
you were Catholic),
you’d be eligible for a
full ride to any
Catholic college in
the U.S. for four
years. The scholar
ship was created by
Father
Zolp,
a
catholic priest who
attended
Loyola
University.
Now,
generations of Zolp
children can go to
school
free
of
charge. .
Looking
for
some money that
doesn’t
require
divine intervention?
Try this one on for
size. Every year, the
duct tape company
offers $2,500 per
person
to
high
school couples who
go to prom wearing
nothing but duct
tape—that’s
right,
duct tape.
Not only is
duct tape weather
resistant (especially
useful in Oregon)
and cheap, but it
INTERNET PHOTO comes in many stylish
colors, from earth
A high school couple poses for tones to fluorescents,
their prom photo in their chosen not just the good ol’
attire—duct tape.
silver we’ve all come
Ben Maras
to know and love. Applicants
can be judged in one of three
categories: traditional prom
attire, theme/costume wear or
“just plain silver” attire. One
can only wonder if an under-
the-table “duct tape contracep
tives” scholarship is awarded as
a follow-up.
Granted, not all students feel
cut out for the art of industrial
strength adhesives. Those with
a language fetish should take
special note of these last two
opportunities.
Treckies all over America
can have $500 of their tuition
beamed away by applying for
the
Klingon
Language
Institute’s scholarship. The
scholarship was created to “rec
ognize and encourage scholar
ship in fields of language” and
the ability to speak Klingon is
not required.
Last but not least, for those
seeking a more terrestrial con
nection, there is The Chick and
Sophie Major Memorial Duck
Calling Contest scholarship.
This is exactly what it sounds
like.
Applicants are only
required to speak duck—or at
least be able to call one.
Winners of this $1,500'scholar
ship must be proficient in call
ing ducks in four categories:
hailing, comeback, feeding and
mating ... necessary life skills
for every farmer and zoophile
in the country.
Not all of the lesser known
scholarships are so absurd; one
source got their entire tuition
paid for by Betty Crocker. The
only catch is that now he knows
how to sew and bake.
The point of all this is that
the money is out there; it just
takes a little digging and in some
cases, a talent you may not want
to reveal to too many people.
covery, I think it’s safe to assume
(note to • aspiring journalists:
always assume) that David
Schwimmer and Co. must some
how possess this legendary
“bokor,” and with it the power to
transform unshielded viewers
into soulless, will-forsaken (and
most commonly brain-eating)
creatures of the night.
I know this all might seem just
a little absurd, but keep in mind
who the official automaton guru is
here.
There are two ways to free a
Haitian zombie. One method is to
destroy its brains (a wood chipper
does the job). While highly effec
tive and more than a litde messy,
there are side effects common to
this technique such as headache,
nausea, indigestion and upset
stoma'ch (oh, and death; nothing a
litde Advil can’t cure). The other
method is, well—come to think of
it, there really isn’t a second
method.
I guess the message is really
this: If you watch “Friends”,
chances are you’re either a zom
bie, or you work for NBC, which
is another job that, by default,
leaves you soulless and without a
will of your own (for proof, see
“ER” or “Fear Factor”). I know
now that there will be no fresh
fodder for you to feed on and it
may be hard for you to reintegrate
with society, but look on the
bright side:' Star Trek’s Seven of
Nine does just fine without the
rest of the Borg.
And if fans of “Friends” can’t
recover, I know of a few places
that rent wood chippers.
WWE shows how 'special'
a wrestler really can be
Hilliary Furgeson
T he C lackamas P rint
In the hard-hitting, brain
bashing arena
of
World
Wrestling
Entertainment
(WWE) Raw, bulbous muscle
men ritualistically smash the
bodies of their opponents.
Usually, the wrestlers are fic
tional characters, the alter-ego of
the actor himself. Eugene
Dinsmore, Raw’s new character,
is somehow more “special” than
wrestlers of the past.
Perhaps it’s his goofy grin or
his frazzled, balding mane. Or
maybe it’s the fact that he’s pre
tending to be mentally retarded!
Yes, Nick Dinsmore, the actor
portraying “Eugene,” has taken
on the role previously assigned
to Leonardo DiCaprio in.
“What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?”
in an attempt to prove that the
mentally retarded really can con
tend in professional sports.
The idea is to show children
that the disabled really are equal;
the WWE sees it as a favor for
mentally retarded people every
where. Unfortunately, all that has
been proven is that some.
Americans are willing to cross all
boundaries in pursuit of the
almighty dollar.
What’s especially disturbing is
that “Eugene” comes across as
comic relief, a source for a few
laughs when the fighting gets
rough. The crowd laughs hyster
ically when he comes on, but
they’re most certainly laughing
with him. The laughter is meant
to be directed at the funny way
he talks, or the way he moves his
hands. The WWE is coming off
as the good guy, when the ulteri
or motive is to capitalize on
making freaks out of mentally
disabled people.
The silly thing is, viewers are sup-
posed to get a feeling of doing a
good deed by cheering for the “litde
retard” when they watch Monday
Night Raw. If viewers really did want
to support the mentally challenged,
why not donate time or money to
the Special Olympics?
In fact, why doesn’t the WWE
donate money to the Special
Olympics? Assuredly, the WWE is
making more money off their fake
“retard” than the Special Olympics
get from individuals with real chal
lenges. Any way one looks at it, it
was in poor taste that the WWE’
debuted “Eugene.”-
In a day and age where the
American government is actively
shooting brown people over seas,
the public at home should be try
ing’ to loosen the stronghold of
fear and prejudice. Something as
seemingly innocent as portraying
someone of limited abilities really
can exhibit what is at the core of
American minds and values.
Without first erasing prejudice,
we cannot hope to see the end of
the war across, the world and in
our own towns.
T he
C lackamas P rint
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