Image provided by: Clackamas Community College; Oregon City, OR
About The Clackamas print. (Oregon City, Oregon) 1989-2019 | View Entire Issue (Oct. 16, 2002)
October 16, 2002 The Clackamas Print / If I had her energy I wouldn't need the Internet Greetings all. Since it’s been a while I’d like to take care of a final piece of business from last year before delving into this week’s topic. Last spring, I received an e-mail from a young man asking about dif ferent ways he could make himself more appealing to the opposite sex. I recommend starting simply and sub tly, and wait for time (and a better paying job) to correct the more obvi ous. This is not meant to discourage; isn’t quite as important as whether or not you’re just plain sexy enough to turn her Hanes into a slip-n-slide. From my perspective her lifestyle choice is rather moot, namely because I’m eleventy billion years old as far as she’s concerned, which places me in the same sexual catego ry as river rock. What is interesting, however, is the sheer amount of energy I saw her expend during a sin gle afternoon of perusing potential playmates. Suffice to say I have a new respect for. those who get their kicks on both sides of the beaten path. For starters, let’s look at her play ing field. I would argue that her’s encompasses a full two-thirds of the total dating pool, whereas the aver age person’s is merely half the avail able opposite sex. It’s basic math: take one over-achieving, liberal young lady, plus a generous dating there are many quick fixes available to increase your sex appeal. I myself prefer the tried-and-true “trouser stuff’, which if done proper ly, is just as subtle as it is effective. A word of caution to overachievers in the audience: resist the temptation to go for the tube sock, it stretches the credibility factor beyond belief. Stick to a nice, thin dress sock, or at most an athletic quarter sock, if that’s all you have. I have heard from those who swear by using nylons or tights for the understated attention grabber, but personally, I find those plastic eggs to be a mite too uncom fortable for more than a brief meet for coffee. ‘Nuff said, now on to the matter at hand.... My circle of friends has expanded to include a young lady who is less than particular in her preference of one sex over the other. Basically, whether you’re an inny or an outty pool of eager men plus the available bi-women, equals more action than the Rangers saw at Omaha Beach. Likewise, if my friend were a bisex ual man we could simply swap the numbers of the available female dat ing pool for the men (I doubt I would readily admit to having given it this much thought; you’d probably be reading an article on why I think Sharpie Pens should make great lip stick). Think about it for a minute, checking out twice as many butts as you’re used too. I’m thinking most would cave under the strain and wind up in a neck brace, or at the very least, require a bottle of Dramamine just to make it across the campus quad during lunch. But not my friend, she handled herself with aplomb. Case in point, we were strolling through the Town Center a few weeks back, window shopping and goofing off, when it finally dawned on me that she was scoping out everybody. This may seem like a small, matter on paper, but this was a Saturday afternoon sale during the summer — we’re talk ing wall-to-wall bare arms, midriffs, tight tops, and shorts. She looked like a cat watching an inkjet printer. I kept expecting a team of para medics to rush in and shove a wal let in-between her teeth. Surprisingly, she made it through the afternoon without any cervical damage (For those of you who think that refers to part of her reproductive anatomy, I strongly recommend taking Biology 231 before attempting reproduction on your own). By the time we left not only was I exhausted from watch ing her, but I also had a whole new appreciation for my broadband internet connection. ROBB EGAN Clackamas Print These ducks, swimming in the pond at the Environmental Learning Center, are enjoying the unusually warm October weather. No P urchase N ecessary R eceive a 1/2 S tandard S ub S andwich for free on T hurs . O ct . 16 from 3-5 pm 13 SUBS to choose from ! (Limit one per person w/CCC ID - Must be present) 1630 Beavercreek Road Suite J Oregon City, OR Located in South Ridge Center ORDERS TO GO: / Standard Submarines FULL HALF „$4.99 Call us at (503) 655-9070 1 • Ham, Salami, Pepperoni 2 • Ham, Salami 3 • Cotto Salami or Bologna 13 • Pastrami, Salami 5 • All Cheese 6 • Turkey, Salami 7 • Pastrami 10 • Salami 11 • Turkey 12 • Pastrami, Swiss, Kraut
