October 16, 2002
The Clackamas Print
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If I had her energy I wouldn't need the Internet
Greetings all. Since it’s been a
while I’d like to take care of a final
piece of business from last year
before delving into this week’s topic.
Last spring, I received an e-mail
from a young man asking about dif
ferent ways he could make himself
more appealing to the opposite sex. I
recommend starting simply and sub
tly, and wait for time (and a better
paying job) to correct the more obvi
ous. This is not meant to discourage;
isn’t quite as important as whether or
not you’re just plain sexy enough to
turn her Hanes into a slip-n-slide.
From my perspective her lifestyle
choice is rather moot, namely
because I’m eleventy billion years
old as far as she’s concerned, which
places me in the same sexual catego
ry as river rock. What is interesting,
however, is the sheer amount of
energy I saw her expend during a sin
gle afternoon of perusing potential
playmates. Suffice to say I have a
new respect for. those who get their
kicks on both sides of the beaten
path.
For starters, let’s look at her play
ing field. I would argue that her’s
encompasses a full two-thirds of the
total dating pool, whereas the aver
age person’s is merely half the avail
able opposite sex. It’s basic math:
take one over-achieving, liberal
young lady, plus a generous dating
there are many quick fixes available
to increase your sex appeal.
I myself prefer the tried-and-true
“trouser stuff’, which if done proper
ly, is just as subtle as it is effective.
A word of caution to overachievers
in the audience: resist the temptation
to go for the tube sock, it stretches
the credibility factor beyond belief.
Stick to a nice, thin dress sock, or at
most an athletic quarter sock, if that’s
all you have. I have heard from
those who swear by using nylons or
tights for the understated attention
grabber, but personally, I find those
plastic eggs to be a mite too uncom
fortable for more than a brief meet
for coffee. ‘Nuff said, now on to the
matter at hand....
My circle of friends has expanded
to include a young lady who is less
than particular in her preference of
one sex over the other. Basically,
whether you’re an inny or an outty
pool of eager men plus the available
bi-women, equals more action than
the Rangers saw at Omaha Beach.
Likewise, if my friend were a bisex
ual man we could simply swap the
numbers of the available female dat
ing pool for the men (I doubt I would
readily admit to having given it this
much thought; you’d probably be
reading an article on why I think
Sharpie Pens should make great lip
stick).
Think about it for a minute,
checking out twice as many butts as
you’re used too. I’m thinking most
would cave under the strain and
wind up in a neck brace, or at the
very least, require a bottle of
Dramamine just to make it across
the campus quad during lunch. But
not my friend, she handled herself
with aplomb. Case in point, we
were strolling through the Town
Center a few weeks back, window
shopping and goofing off, when it
finally dawned on me that she was
scoping out everybody. This may
seem like a small, matter on paper,
but this was a Saturday afternoon
sale during the summer — we’re talk
ing wall-to-wall bare arms, midriffs,
tight tops, and shorts. She looked
like a cat watching an inkjet printer.
I kept expecting a team of para
medics to rush in and shove a wal
let in-between her teeth.
Surprisingly, she made it
through the afternoon without any
cervical damage (For those of you
who think that refers to part of her
reproductive anatomy, I strongly
recommend taking Biology 231
before attempting reproduction on
your own). By the time we left not
only was I exhausted from watch
ing her, but I also had a whole new
appreciation for my broadband
internet connection.
ROBB EGAN Clackamas Print
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