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About The Clackamas print. (Oregon City, Oregon) 1989-2019 | View Entire Issue (May 22, 2002)
H ie CL ac I camas P rint A _________ 7 WEdNEsdAy, M ay 22, 2002 "Filler” up with The New Guy* ISAIAH CREEL Staff Writer “ * he New Guy,” staring DJ Qualls, is now playing in local theaters. This charming docu mentary of one teenager’s strug gle through the academic gaunt let that is high school, is Revolution Studios’ latest waste of time and money. A PERSONAL NOTE: The newest gimmick for steal ing the public’s hard-earned money is what I call “filler.” A “Filler Film” is the kind of movie whose plot is a regurgitat ed attempt at wit through the th'eft of ideas/concepts, and even direct dialogue from other films. These “filler films” are meant to satiate the general populace until the new Star Wars film is released. We have nothing better to waste $7.50 on than mindless dribble, which we have already seen at least twice before (once in the original and in at least one spoof). The Scope of the Screen Dizzy (D.J Qualls) is a blip. A blip is a loose reference to the sound a radar makes after its sweep reveals nothing. (In other words, he is every kid in high school who was ever picked on, made fun of or otherwise humili ated. . .sound familiar?) After having his penis contorted by a homy 80-year-old librarian, Dizzy finds himself the subject of constant ridicule, being called names such as “broke dick” by his much cooler peers. After being given medication for his Tourette’s Syndrome, he makes a scene in a shopping mall. Miraculously, he is sent to jail. In jail, he meets Luther (por trayed by television actor Eddie Griffin), who teaches Dizzy that the best way to defend yourself at school is to become the king of Aries (March 21 — April 19): You are uncertain of your feel ings. You try to escape your real self, but as you know, it doesn’t work. Remember: What comes around goes around. Your lucky day: Friday. Your lucky food: Fried tomatoes. Your lucky place: Any quiet place where you can meditate. Taurus (April 20- May 20): Try not to tell others what to do. Focus on your own domestic problems. Too much partying can get you in trouble. Your car might be towed this weekend. Your lucky day: Tuesday. Your lucky food: Unsalted pretzel. Your lucky place: Home (alone). Gemini (May 21 - June 22): It’s time to make a decision. Something has been on your mind and you need to resolve an kool. Step 1. Get kicked out of your school. Step 2. Beat up the biggest kid (at your new school) in front of everyone. Step 3. Impress your friends with the “crazy eyes” Were there more steps...? I have no clue. Once you become the king of kool, as Dizzy has, you (or Dizzy) must lead your (or Dizzy’s) high school football team to victory. By throwing a touchdown pass?! No stupid, by imitating every Oscar-winning film since Patton... duh!! (insert romantic subplot here???) In the end, the utopian ideal of a high school with no social class es, who loves football, and appre ciates the band, is reached. Alleluia! Praise Jesus! More Ranting and Raving “Every piece of stupidity por trayed in film throughout time was represented in this God awful piece of feces,” said the beautiful Carmen Richard, who I was fortunate enough to witness this monstrosity with. Why do they waste our time with this crap? Because the people who can’t appreciate a film that doesn’t relate back to another film, are the ones who will give up $7.50 and 90 minutes of their life on rubbish to fill their heads and waking hours. The whole concept of a film whose plot is able to stand inde pendent from other films has become very unpopular, for example, Not Another Teen Movie, the Scary Movie movies, et cetera, et cetera. Blah! Meter Beater I give the New Guy an 8 out of 10 on the Why-can’t-I-take-back- those-90 minutes-o-meter. To reach Isaiah Creel e-mail zeplemon@hotmail.com or drop by B-104. important matter. Don’t hesitate. A friend might get mad at you. Your lucky day: Wednesday. Your lucky food: Sprout flavored Nachos. Your lucky place: Underwear store. Cancer (June 21 - July 22):Changes could be over whelming. Social events held at your home will be entertaining for others but a source of frustra tion for you. Think before you take action! Your lucky day: Tuesday. Your lucky food: Oatmeal. Your lucky place: Downtown. Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22): Secret affairs will come back to haunt you. Try to be honest when deal ing with others. Do not get involved with an individual for the wrong reason. Watch your shoelaces. Your lucky day: Eliza Dushku and DJ Qualls star in Columbia Pictures, “The New Guy,” also featuring Eddie Griffin; which opened in theaters May 17. Sunday. Your lucky food: Chocolate flavored chips. Your lucky place: Stay at home, you have no lucky place this week. Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept 22): Do not speed this week. There is a high possibility that you might get pulled over by the police. Try not to be late to important appointments. Someone is stalk ing you. Get rid of old clothes. Your lucky day: Monday. Your lucky food: Ketchup. Your lucky place: A friend’s house. Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 23): Misunderstandings at work could easily lead to your demise. Avoid scandals of any sort. Better times will come. Try to keep your smile. Your lucky day: Wednesday. Your lucky food: Veggie Sandwich. Your lucky place: Tennis court. Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov. 21): Unexpected visitors are likely. Try to stay away from crowded places. Drama might evolve. A friend needs your help. Your lucky day: Saturday. Your lucky food: Peanut butter. Your lucky place: Dance club. Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21): The battle continues. Don’t despair; you will win at the end. Avoid individuals who drink too much. Be prepared for an adven ture. Your lucky day : Friday. Your lucky food: Salad with cot tage cheese. Your lucky place: Tanning salon. Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19): Don’t blow situations out of pro portion. Remember that life is like a stage and we are the actors. You need to take a day off, go away for a while. Meditate in a quiet environment. Your lucky day: Thursday. Your lucky food: Hot dog. Your lucky place: The Ganua Islands. Aquarius (Jan. 20- Feb. 18): You should put your creative mind to work this week. Start participating in fancy footwork. Be careful! Someone is trying to damage you reputation. Your lucky day: Thursday. Your lucky food: Onion soup. Your lucky place: Freeway. Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20): Do not get involved with individ uals who are already committed. Minor accidents could occur if you don’t take precautions. Please, try to stay away from toasters. Your lucky day: Saturday. Your lucky food: Fish. Your lucky place: Telephone booth.
