H ie CL ac I camas P rint
A
_________ 7
WEdNEsdAy, M ay 22, 2002
"Filler” up with The New Guy*
ISAIAH CREEL
Staff Writer
“ * he New Guy,” staring DJ
Qualls, is now playing in local
theaters. This charming docu
mentary of one teenager’s strug
gle through the academic gaunt
let that is high school, is
Revolution Studios’ latest waste
of time and money.
A PERSONAL NOTE:
The newest gimmick for steal
ing the public’s hard-earned
money is what I call “filler.”
A “Filler Film” is the kind of
movie whose plot is a regurgitat
ed attempt at wit through the th'eft
of ideas/concepts, and even direct
dialogue from other films. These
“filler films” are meant to satiate
the general populace until the
new Star Wars film is released.
We have nothing better to waste
$7.50 on than mindless dribble,
which we have already seen at
least twice before (once in the
original and in at least one
spoof).
The Scope of the Screen
Dizzy (D.J Qualls) is a blip. A
blip is a loose reference to the
sound a radar makes after its
sweep reveals nothing. (In other
words, he is every kid in high
school who was ever picked on,
made fun of or otherwise humili
ated. . .sound familiar?)
After having his penis contorted
by a homy 80-year-old librarian,
Dizzy finds himself the subject of
constant ridicule, being called
names such as “broke dick” by
his much cooler peers.
After being given medication
for his Tourette’s Syndrome, he
makes a scene in a shopping
mall.
Miraculously, he is sent to jail.
In jail, he meets Luther (por
trayed by television actor Eddie
Griffin), who teaches Dizzy that
the best way to defend yourself at
school is to become the king of
Aries (March 21 — April 19):
You are uncertain of your feel
ings. You try to escape your real
self, but as you know, it doesn’t
work. Remember: What comes
around goes around. Your lucky
day: Friday. Your lucky food:
Fried tomatoes. Your lucky place:
Any quiet place where you can
meditate.
Taurus (April 20- May 20):
Try not to tell others what to do.
Focus on your own domestic
problems. Too much partying can
get you in trouble. Your car might
be towed this weekend. Your
lucky day: Tuesday. Your lucky
food: Unsalted pretzel. Your
lucky place: Home (alone).
Gemini (May 21 - June 22):
It’s time to make a decision.
Something has been on your
mind and you need to resolve an
kool.
Step 1. Get kicked out of your
school.
Step 2. Beat up the biggest kid
(at your new school) in front of
everyone.
Step 3. Impress your friends
with the “crazy eyes”
Were there more steps...? I have
no clue.
Once you become the king of
kool, as Dizzy has, you (or
Dizzy) must lead your (or
Dizzy’s) high school football
team to victory.
By throwing a touchdown
pass?! No stupid, by imitating
every Oscar-winning film since
Patton... duh!! (insert romantic
subplot here???)
In the end, the utopian ideal of a
high school with no social class
es, who loves football, and appre
ciates the band, is reached.
Alleluia! Praise Jesus!
More Ranting and Raving
“Every piece of stupidity por
trayed in film throughout time
was represented in this God
awful piece of feces,” said the
beautiful Carmen Richard, who I
was fortunate enough to witness
this monstrosity with.
Why do they waste our time
with this crap?
Because the people who can’t
appreciate a film that doesn’t
relate back to another film, are
the ones who will give up $7.50
and 90 minutes of their life on
rubbish to fill their heads and
waking hours.
The whole concept of a film
whose plot is able to stand inde
pendent from other films has
become very unpopular, for
example, Not Another Teen
Movie, the Scary Movie movies,
et cetera, et cetera. Blah!
Meter Beater
I give the New Guy an 8 out of
10 on the Why-can’t-I-take-back-
those-90 minutes-o-meter.
To reach Isaiah Creel e-mail
zeplemon@hotmail.com or drop
by B-104.
important matter. Don’t hesitate.
A friend might get mad at you.
Your lucky day: Wednesday.
Your lucky food: Sprout flavored
Nachos. Your lucky place:
Underwear store.
Cancer (June 21 - July
22):Changes could be over
whelming. Social events held at
your home will be entertaining
for others but a source of frustra
tion for you. Think before you
take action! Your lucky day:
Tuesday. Your lucky food:
Oatmeal. Your lucky place:
Downtown.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22): Secret
affairs will come back to haunt
you. Try to be honest when deal
ing with others. Do not get
involved with an individual for
the wrong reason. Watch your
shoelaces. Your lucky day:
Eliza Dushku and DJ Qualls star in Columbia Pictures, “The New Guy,” also featuring Eddie
Griffin; which opened in theaters May 17.
Sunday. Your lucky food:
Chocolate flavored chips. Your
lucky place: Stay at home, you
have no lucky place this week.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept 22): Do
not speed this week. There is a
high possibility that you might
get pulled over by the police. Try
not to be late to important
appointments. Someone is stalk
ing you. Get rid of old clothes.
Your lucky day: Monday. Your
lucky food: Ketchup. Your lucky
place: A friend’s house.
Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 23):
Misunderstandings at work could
easily lead to your demise. Avoid
scandals of any sort. Better times
will come. Try to keep your
smile.
Your
lucky
day:
Wednesday. Your lucky food:
Veggie Sandwich. Your lucky
place: Tennis court.
Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov. 21):
Unexpected visitors are likely.
Try to stay away from crowded
places. Drama might evolve. A
friend needs your help. Your
lucky day: Saturday. Your lucky
food: Peanut butter. Your lucky
place: Dance club.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21):
The battle continues. Don’t
despair; you will win at the end.
Avoid individuals who drink too
much. Be prepared for an adven
ture. Your lucky day : Friday.
Your lucky food: Salad with cot
tage cheese. Your lucky place:
Tanning salon.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19):
Don’t blow situations out of pro
portion. Remember that life is
like a stage and we are the actors.
You need to take a day off, go
away for a while. Meditate in a
quiet environment. Your lucky
day: Thursday. Your lucky food:
Hot dog. Your lucky place: The
Ganua Islands.
Aquarius (Jan. 20- Feb. 18):
You should put your creative
mind to work this week. Start
participating in fancy footwork.
Be careful! Someone is trying to
damage you reputation. Your
lucky day: Thursday. Your lucky
food: Onion soup. Your lucky
place: Freeway.
Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20):
Do not get involved with individ
uals who are already committed.
Minor accidents could occur if
you don’t take precautions.
Please, try to stay away from
toasters. Your lucky day:
Saturday. Your lucky food: Fish.
Your lucky place: Telephone
booth.