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About Vernonia's voice. (Vernonia, OR) 2007-current | View Entire Issue (Feb. 21, 2019)
in other words february21 2019 19 Running My Mouth: Snowpocalypse 2019 By Jamie Adams Our community remains shaken as we at- tempt to recover from this latest tragedy. I’m sure you all know what I’m referring to: Snowpocalypse 2019. What started as a few light flakes, delighting children and all but the grumpiest adults, quickly turned into a nightmare of epic proportions. Alliances were tested as gangs quickly formed and began terrorizing neighbor- hoods. They attacked rival gang members with hand- made projectiles but innocent civilians were also at risk. It was impossible to escape the violent attacks due to the conveyances that enabled them to travel at high speeds down inclines. Those wise enough knew the best strategy was to avoid attracting attention, mov- ing slowly through the barren landscape as the gangs focused on picking each other off. Neighbors turned upon each other, vandalizing car windshield wipers and stealing snow from walkways, in some cases all the way to the front doors. The sheer audacity of these crimes is enough to shake even the most hardened vet- eran. School refused to take the children as teach- ers and faculty hunkered down in their own homes, praying for the end to come. When the world contin- ued on despite their prayers, they reluctantly dragged themselves back to the classroom. It was just in time. Although food supplies remained high, parents were considering eating their young. One haggard parent reasoned, “It happens all the time in the animal king- dom. Maybe that’s what’s making our kids soft these days, we don’t eat enough of them.” While the teachers secretly agreed, the union forbade them from making an official statement. Just as many of us began to wonder if it would ever end, the rain began to fall. We rejoiced that it would soon cleanse us of the scourge winter had brought. But we rejoiced too soon. As the rain fell, the temperatures rose and so did the crime. Instead of the now seem- ingly innocent high jinks that had occurred, there was a serial killer loose. Children throughout Vernonia and all of Columbia County woke up to find the friends they had made during Snowpocalypse 2019 seemingly vanished. While it might be tempting to believe they will return unharmed or even that the children were imagining things, evidence of these grisly murders re- mained in plain sight in several yards. It’s unclear if there were several teams working, one that covered its tracks better than the other, or if they simply became better at cleaning up the mess as they became more experienced. Regardless of the explanation, in some yards almost half a body remained, while others had only a pair of eyes or set of arms. Some yards had no evidence left at all. Given the difficulty in reconstruct- ing the crime scenes with the limited evidence, police are hesitant to put an official estimate out. One officer we did not speak to was misquoted as saying, “It could be in the thousands.” The shock of finding the remains in their front yard was not enough to grant a reprieve from school. Calloused parents forced children out of MIKE PIHL their homes, allegedly a safe space for their feelings, and into the cold hard world of reality. Cries of “it’s not fair!” and “I want another snow day!” rang out in the early morning hours near the teachers’ houses. Once the children got up for school, they echoed these senti- ments. These missing friends weren’t the only casu- alties of the lawlessness brought upon us by Snow- pocalypse 2019. Rumors swirled about the existence of hot cocoa with marshmallows. The hot cocoa was eventually sighted but the marshmallows remained unaccounted for. Unverified reports claimed to have spotted the marshmallows and hinted they were being held hostage. No ransom demand was ever given for their safe release and no group took responsibility for the mallownapping. A vigil will be held at the Scout Cabin, close family and friends only. When asked what they intended to do about this tragedy, the same officer quickly hid his mug and stuttered. Now that the immediate danger is past, we are left with questions. Is Snowpocalypse over for good? Or will we experience Snowpocalypse 2.0? Are any of us going to make good on those promises to stock up for next time? Will the children ever recover from the devastating effects of experiencing such a severe trauma at such a young age? Only time will tell. This is Jamie Adams, bringing you the latest and possibly even true updates. V ernonia C hristian C hurch LOGGING CO., INC Everyone is welcome in our vibrant & active community! Free Estimates Specializing in Private Timber Sunday Worship Service 11:00 am Pastor Sam Hough 410 North St. Vernonia mplogging@frontier.com 1984 mist drive po box 321 vernonia, or 97064 503-429-1470 cell 503.789.1268 fax 503.429.0252 • Youth and Adult Sunday School • Evening Youth Groups 4th-6th Grade Junior & Senior High • Home Study Groups • Outdoor Ministry Christian Bow Hunters of America Annual Sportsman’s Banquet office@VernoniaChristianChurch.org 503-429-6522