in other words
february21
2019
19
Running My Mouth: Snowpocalypse 2019
By Jamie Adams
Our community remains shaken as we at-
tempt to recover from this latest tragedy. I’m sure you
all know what I’m referring to: Snowpocalypse 2019.
What started as a few light flakes, delighting children
and all but the grumpiest adults, quickly turned into a
nightmare of epic proportions. Alliances were tested as
gangs quickly formed and began terrorizing neighbor-
hoods. They attacked rival gang members with hand-
made projectiles but innocent civilians were also at
risk. It was impossible to escape the violent attacks
due to the conveyances that enabled them to travel at
high speeds down inclines. Those wise enough knew
the best strategy was to avoid attracting attention, mov-
ing slowly through the barren landscape as the gangs
focused on picking each other off. Neighbors turned
upon each other, vandalizing car windshield wipers
and stealing snow from walkways, in some cases all
the way to the front doors. The sheer audacity of these
crimes is enough to shake even the most hardened vet-
eran.
School refused to take the children as teach-
ers and faculty hunkered down in their own homes,
praying for the end to come. When the world contin-
ued on despite their prayers, they reluctantly dragged
themselves back to the classroom. It was just in time.
Although food supplies remained high, parents were
considering eating their young. One haggard parent
reasoned, “It happens all the time in the animal king-
dom. Maybe that’s what’s making our kids soft these
days, we don’t eat enough of them.” While the teachers
secretly agreed, the union forbade them from making
an official statement.
Just as many of us began to wonder if it would
ever end, the rain began to fall. We rejoiced that it would
soon cleanse us of the scourge winter had brought. But
we rejoiced too soon. As the rain fell, the temperatures
rose and so did the crime. Instead of the now seem-
ingly innocent high jinks that had occurred, there was
a serial killer loose. Children throughout Vernonia and
all of Columbia County woke up to find the friends
they had made during Snowpocalypse 2019 seemingly
vanished. While it might be tempting to believe they
will return unharmed or even that the children were
imagining things, evidence of these grisly murders re-
mained in plain sight in several yards. It’s unclear if
there were several teams working, one that covered its
tracks better than the other, or if they simply became
better at cleaning up the mess as they became more
experienced. Regardless of the explanation, in some
yards almost half a body remained, while others had
only a pair of eyes or set of arms. Some yards had no
evidence left at all. Given the difficulty in reconstruct-
ing the crime scenes with the limited evidence, police
are hesitant to put an official estimate out. One officer
we did not speak to was misquoted as saying, “It could
be in the thousands.” The shock of finding the remains
in their front yard was not enough to grant a reprieve
from school. Calloused parents forced children out of
MIKE PIHL
their homes, allegedly a safe space for their feelings,
and into the cold hard world of reality. Cries of “it’s not
fair!” and “I want another snow day!” rang out in the
early morning hours near the teachers’ houses. Once
the children got up for school, they echoed these senti-
ments.
These missing friends weren’t the only casu-
alties of the lawlessness brought upon us by Snow-
pocalypse 2019. Rumors swirled about the existence
of hot cocoa with marshmallows. The hot cocoa was
eventually sighted but the marshmallows remained
unaccounted for. Unverified reports claimed to have
spotted the marshmallows and hinted they were being
held hostage. No ransom demand was ever given for
their safe release and no group took responsibility for
the mallownapping. A vigil will be held at the Scout
Cabin, close family and friends only. When asked what
they intended to do about this tragedy, the same officer
quickly hid his mug and stuttered.
Now that the immediate danger is past, we are
left with questions. Is Snowpocalypse over for good?
Or will we experience Snowpocalypse 2.0? Are any
of us going to make good on those promises to stock
up for next time? Will the children ever recover from
the devastating effects of experiencing such a severe
trauma at such a young age? Only time will tell.
This is Jamie Adams, bringing you the latest
and possibly even true updates.
V ernonia C hristian C hurch
LOGGING CO., INC
Everyone is welcome in our vibrant & active community!
Free Estimates
Specializing in Private Timber
Sunday
Worship Service
11:00 am
Pastor Sam Hough
410 North St.
Vernonia
mplogging@frontier.com
1984 mist drive
po box 321
vernonia, or 97064
503-429-1470
cell 503.789.1268
fax 503.429.0252
• Youth and Adult Sunday School
• Evening Youth Groups
4th-6th Grade
Junior & Senior High
• Home Study Groups
• Outdoor Ministry
Christian Bow Hunters of America
Annual Sportsman’s Banquet
office@VernoniaChristianChurch.org
503-429-6522