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About Vernonia's voice. (Vernonia, OR) 2007-current | View Entire Issue (March 21, 2013)
in other words Better Parenting: By Sonia Spackman What is a spoiled child? The sad truth is that for many parents it is easier to spoil our kids than not to spoil them. How can I tell if I spoil mine? Ask yourself the following questions about your children: Do they ignore home or school rules? Do they keep going when you tell them to stop? Do they seem to argue about anything? Is it difficult to keep them happy or en- tertained? Do they beg for things as though they are necessary as food? Do they not seem to care about others feelings, wants or needs? Do they throw tantrums on a regular ba- sis? Do they act like they should get what they want? If you answered a solid yes to more than a couple of these questions, you have some work ahead of you. Spoiling our kids is not about giving too much love. Spoiling them is providing too much care – care that may look and feel loving, but keeps a child from developing their own abili- ties. Why do we spoil our kids? I think that spoiling kids starts with a good heart. Maybe we want to protect our kids from feeling the pain we had growing up. Sometimes we are reacting from our own feelings of guilt, worry and sometimes we are just plain tired. David J. Bredehoft, Ph.D., the coauthor of How Much is Enough? Ev- erything you need to know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible, and Respectful Children, states that after reading the facts about the harm that spoiling our kids really does, many parents might think about doing things differently. What is the harm in spoiling a child? And why should I be concerned? Research clearly shows that the impact of childhood overindulgences lasts into adulthood. Picture how loving parents provide toys or pleasure for their kids so their kids will feel good and happy. Picture parents giving in to their kids be- cause they whine, complain, beg or tan- trum. Now try to imagine these same kids - as adults expecting their friends, spouses or employers to make them march21 Spoiled Kids Now – Unhappy Adults Later, Part 1 2013 9 learn to manage it; if we do not allow happy or feel good. Imagine these kids skills. as adults whining, and demanding to Not having rules, not enforcing rules, this struggle they will get accustomed to get what they want. How many relation- not having chores, giving too much attention and affection when they feel ships, marriages or jobs do you think freedom, allowing our kids to domi- uncomfortable, and demand it from you and others. they will go through before they learn nate the family. For example, when you are shop- how the real world works? These kids grow up unable to Spoiled kids grow up facing understand the feelings, needs or wants ping and your child cries and demands many painful challenges as adults. A of their peers or the adults around them. a toy, you shouldn’t feel bad about that, spoiled child is not ready for the real Some kids act out to be con- rather, in a calm voice explain to him world and may tained. They shake that he does not need it and that he will butt heads with things up, and get be in trouble if this behavior continues. peers and adults worse to force par- Even if you do not think he understands, for the rest of their ents to finally give if you stay calm and stay persistent he lives. It will be them the structure will understand it in time. Children need easier for them to they need. Many chil- to know early that they are not the bosses make these chang- dren want and need of their parents. Psychologist Ruth A. Peters, es as children than their parents to con- to unlearn these trol them to feel safe PhD., author of the child discipline patterns as adults. when they can’t con- manual, Laying Down the Law, agrees. ”Spoiling doesn’t prepare them for any- Giving our kids trol themselves. too many toys, Spoiled kids thing but heartache later in life” she clothes, activi- with Oppositional says, adding that a spoiled child typi- ties, sports, lessons, entertainment, or Defiant Disorder, ADHD, and bipo- cally grows into a spoiled adult, and privileges lar disorder or other mental/emotional spoiled adults have trouble maintaining As parents we sometimes think handicaps still need to have parental help jobs, spouses and friendships. It is better to learn about parent- that if we do everything for them and or it will be the police and the courts that give them everything they want, our intervene eventually. Medication, when ing before we get kids, but most of us kids will feel good about themselves and necessary, and behavior management don’t, and we all make mistakes. It is be more successful. In reality it will be needs to be in place and evaluated pe- never too late to make a new plan. the opposite. This thinking is deceiving riodically. It doesn’t seem right or in many ways. If they have everything fair not to do this for them when handed to them they develop expecta- it’s needed. Our kids need as much tions that blind them to the fact that they help as possible to be able to man- need to know how to work and earn the age their behavior throughout a things that they want. typical day so they have a better Doing things for our kids that they can chance to make progress in life. and should be doing for themselves. Parents often do not under- This also involves hovering, rescuing stand what they are doing because and siding with the child when they they mix up needs with wants. They are misbehaving. think that a crying child needs more Our children’s self-worth is from them. But this is not the case determined not only by how they feel – all kids need to feel disappoint- about themselves inside, but self-worth ment and frustration in order to is determined by how they compare themselves to kids their own age. What do you think happens inside our chil- dren when other kids make fun of them and hold their misbehavior against them? Over giving is a form of child neglect. It hinders children from performing in their needed developmen- tal areas, and from learning needed life lessons. Over giving and overly permissive parents hinder their kids be- cause the kids are not able to calm themselves when feel- ing overwhelmed. They have Jill Hult volunteered at the annual fundrais- Arlo and Silas joined this year’s St. Patrick’s ing event sponsored by Columbia Pacific no frustration tolerance, self- Day Parade on Bridge Street in Vernonia. Food Bank in St. Helens on March 15. control or anger management “Empty Bowls” St. Paddy’s Day Parade Vernonia Computer Services Computer problems? We can help. Hardware testing, repair, replacement Mac – Windows – Linux Software install/upgrade Virus/spyware removal Custom systems built Housecalls Phone (503) 429.2617 Kitchen Countertops Fax (503) 429.0941 Fireplace & Furniture ABSOLUTE@AGALIS.NET Tubs & Vanities www.absolutemarbleandgraniteinc.net Available Mon, Wed, Fri, Sat 10-6 and by appointment Bill Langmaid (971) 998-3705 bill@rangelights.com
