in other words
Better Parenting:
By Sonia Spackman
What is a spoiled child?
The sad truth is that for many
parents it is easier to spoil our kids than
not to spoil them.
How can I tell if I spoil mine?
Ask yourself the following
questions about your children:
Do they ignore home or school rules?
Do they keep going when you tell them
to stop?
Do they seem to argue about anything?
Is it difficult to keep them happy or en-
tertained?
Do they beg for things as though they are
necessary as food?
Do they not seem to care about others
feelings, wants or needs?
Do they throw tantrums on a regular ba-
sis?
Do they act like they should get what
they want?
If you answered a solid yes to
more than a couple of these questions,
you have some work ahead of you.
Spoiling our kids is not about
giving too much love. Spoiling them is
providing too much care – care that
may look and feel loving, but keeps a
child from developing their own abili-
ties.
Why do we spoil our kids?
I think that spoiling kids starts
with a good heart. Maybe we want to
protect our kids from feeling the pain
we had growing up. Sometimes we are
reacting from our own feelings of guilt,
worry and sometimes we are just plain
tired.
David J. Bredehoft, Ph.D., the
coauthor of How Much is Enough? Ev-
erything you need to know to Steer Clear
of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable,
Responsible, and Respectful Children,
states that after reading the facts about
the harm that spoiling our kids really
does, many parents might think about
doing things differently.
What is the harm in spoiling a child?
And why should I be concerned?
Research clearly shows that the
impact of childhood overindulgences
lasts into adulthood.
Picture how loving parents
provide toys or pleasure for their kids
so their kids will feel good and happy.
Picture parents giving in to their kids be-
cause they whine, complain, beg or tan-
trum.
Now try to imagine these same
kids - as adults expecting their friends,
spouses or employers to make them
march21
Spoiled Kids Now – Unhappy Adults Later, Part 1
2013
9
learn to manage it; if we do not allow
happy or feel good. Imagine these kids skills.
as adults whining, and demanding to Not having rules, not enforcing rules, this struggle they will get accustomed to
get what they want. How many relation- not having chores, giving too much attention and affection when they feel
ships, marriages or jobs do you think freedom, allowing our kids to domi- uncomfortable, and demand it from
you and others.
they will go through before they learn nate the family.
For example, when you are shop-
how the real world works?
These kids grow up unable to
Spoiled kids grow up facing understand the feelings, needs or wants ping and your child cries and demands
many painful challenges as adults. A of their peers or the adults around them. a toy, you shouldn’t feel bad about that,
spoiled child is not ready for the real
Some kids act out to be con- rather, in a calm voice explain to him
world and may
tained. They shake that he does not need it and that he will
butt heads with
things up, and get be in trouble if this behavior continues.
peers and adults
worse to force par- Even if you do not think he understands,
for the rest of their
ents to finally give if you stay calm and stay persistent he
lives. It will be
them the structure will understand it in time. Children need
easier for them to
they need. Many chil- to know early that they are not the bosses
make these chang-
dren want and need of their parents.
Psychologist Ruth A. Peters,
es as children than
their parents to con-
to unlearn these
trol them to feel safe PhD., author of the child discipline
patterns as adults.
when they can’t con- manual, Laying Down the Law, agrees.
”Spoiling doesn’t prepare them for any-
Giving our kids
trol themselves.
too many toys,
Spoiled
kids thing but heartache later in life” she
clothes,
activi-
with
Oppositional says, adding that a spoiled child typi-
ties, sports, lessons, entertainment, or Defiant Disorder, ADHD, and bipo- cally grows into a spoiled adult, and
privileges
lar disorder or other mental/emotional spoiled adults have trouble maintaining
As parents we sometimes think handicaps still need to have parental help jobs, spouses and friendships.
It is better to learn about parent-
that if we do everything for them and or it will be the police and the courts that
give them everything they want, our intervene eventually. Medication, when ing before we get kids, but most of us
kids will feel good about themselves and necessary, and behavior management don’t, and we all make mistakes. It is
be more successful. In reality it will be needs to be in place and evaluated pe- never too late to make a new plan.
the opposite. This thinking is deceiving riodically. It doesn’t seem right or
in many ways. If they have everything fair not to do this for them when
handed to them they develop expecta- it’s needed. Our kids need as much
tions that blind them to the fact that they help as possible to be able to man-
need to know how to work and earn the age their behavior throughout a
things that they want.
typical day so they have a better
Doing things for our kids that they can chance to make progress in life.
and should be doing for themselves.
Parents often do not under-
This also involves hovering, rescuing stand what they are doing because
and siding with the child when they they mix up needs with wants. They
are misbehaving.
think that a crying child needs more
Our children’s self-worth is from them. But this is not the case
determined not only by how they feel – all kids need to feel disappoint-
about themselves inside, but self-worth ment and frustration in order to
is determined by how they
compare themselves to kids
their own age. What do you
think happens inside our chil-
dren when other kids make
fun of them and hold their
misbehavior against them?
Over giving is a form
of child neglect. It hinders
children from performing in
their needed developmen-
tal areas, and from learning
needed life lessons. Over
giving and overly permissive
parents hinder their kids be-
cause the kids are not able to
calm themselves when feel-
ing overwhelmed. They have
Jill Hult volunteered at the annual fundrais-
Arlo
and
Silas
joined
this
year’s
St.
Patrick’s
ing event sponsored by Columbia Pacific
no frustration tolerance, self-
Day
Parade
on
Bridge
Street
in
Vernonia.
Food Bank in St. Helens on March 15.
control or anger management
“Empty Bowls”
St. Paddy’s Day Parade
Vernonia Computer Services
Computer problems? We can help.
Hardware testing, repair, replacement
Mac – Windows – Linux
Software install/upgrade
Virus/spyware removal
Custom systems built
Housecalls
Phone (503) 429.2617
Kitchen Countertops
Fax (503) 429.0941
Fireplace & Furniture
ABSOLUTE@AGALIS.NET
Tubs & Vanities
www.absolutemarbleandgraniteinc.net
Available
Mon, Wed, Fri, Sat 10-6
and by appointment
Bill Langmaid
(971) 998-3705
bill@rangelights.com