Image provided by: University of Oregon Libraries; Eugene, OR
About Vernonia's voice. (Vernonia, OR) 2007-current | View Entire Issue (Feb. 21, 2013)
in other words Better Parenting: Sonia Spackman MA, MFT soniaspackman@msn.com I cringe when I recall how I used to talk to my kids when I was a young mother. I didn’t realize then how critical I was. I wish I could go back and do it differently. If you are still raising your children you can do a better job. Here are some questions to ask yourself. 1. Why do you criticize? If you are like I was, you are attempting to get the kids to do better your way. Since kids are pretty good most of the time rather than focus on what they do right, we tend to focus on their mistakes. The kids might think or even say: “Leave me alone” Or “Don’t you see the good things I do?” Let’s try to focus more on our kids’ good qualities and let go of fault-finding. 2. Does criticizing make you feel better? When we become frustrated or irritated we might get relief by taking it out on our kids by criticizing or blaming. Criti- cism is always destructive. Before we realize it our kids can inherit our nega- tive attitude. I became distressed watch- ing my sensitive son become an angry, critical adult. 3. What is the message of Criticism? Young children see their parents as all knowing and take what they say as truth. Children do not filter out the good from the bad, like a recorder in their brain they store it all. Many parents are not aware of the intense damage they do when they humiliate, put down, belittle, ridicule, or criticize their children. They think: “If february21 2013 8 Questions To Ask Before You Criticize Your Kids 6. How can I tell my kids when they are doing wrong? We have a duty to correct our children. Correction is necessary, but it is not to be done in a critical man- ner. If you are angry with your child try 4. What are the effects of criticism? to deal with the problem when you are Often the words spoken to us as a child calmer. Say, “I’ll talk to you after dinner, become the thinking we have about our- see if you can come up with some solu- selves as adults. When we criticize it tions we can discuss.” If it cannot wait, damages a child’s self-worth and con- explain why you are upset and tell your child what you want fidence. It discour- and you will explain ages and creates a Seven to ten year olds can later. fear of trying new reason and understand why things. Regular you are angry, but still need 7. How do I reason criticism eventu- reassurance that you are cor- with my kids? ally leaves children recting them because you love A child two to feeling turned off to their parents. Every them, and want them behaving six years old can- in a safe, kind, respectful, and not think logically child needs love and responsible way. through a problem acceptance. When and then reverse the these important needs are not provided for, children can logic. For example, a tall glass of wa- end up feeling frustrated, angry, worth- ter that is poured into a shallow bowl is less, unloved and undeserving. They not seen as the same amount of water. may become overly fearful of criticism. A young child cannot understand that a As adults they can become angry and parent can be angry and love them also. critical like my son did. Or they may They cannot mentally hold two concepts learn to develop a high tolerance for at the same time. They split off from the criticism thus making it easier to get into loving parent while remaining with the angry parent. Seven to ten year olds can abusive relationships. reason and understand why you are an- 5. What if the criticisms are true? We gry, but still need reassurance that you are not justified saying something just are correcting them because you love because it is true. Not all truth is up- them, and want them behaving in a safe, lifting and supportive. Some truth can kind, respectful, and responsible way. be destructive and harmful, and we are not wise to say it: “Mary, your hair looks 8. How do I keep from getting angry? terrible.” “Your mistake is why the team Try to talk to your kids like you would lost.” Please do not think that it is OK to talk to your good neighbor. Would you say something because it might be true. yell at your neighbor: “Why did you leave that rake out in your driveway? Put mom or dad thinks I am clumsy, dumb, stupid, lazy, etc. then it must be true. Kids get the unconscious message that they are not OK. Steve Calhoun Real Estate Broker (503) 429-4300 825 Bridge Street Cell: (503) 706-2882 Email: stevecal2001@yahoo.com BUY WITH KNOWLEDGE 9 that rake away right now before I have to punish you!” But this is how we talk to our kids. I don’t think it would work with our neighbor and it won’t work with our kids either. More importantly, we must re- member not to say or do anything while we are correcting our children that will hinder our relationship with them. Our interaction with our kids needs to draw us closer, so we can motivate them for the change needed. Say, “In the Smith family we do not steal.” “How do you think we can fix this problem?” When you speak to them like this: • You are being sensitive to your child’s feelings. • You are focusing on the behavior, not criticizing or blaming your child. • You are providing a way of working through the problem with your child. • You are giving your child experience correcting his mistakes. • You are building trust and relationship with your child. Once you work through a prob- lem you forgive and forget, praise the ef- forts and celebrate the accomplishment. In closing, as parents we need to look for the good in our kids. If we can focus on “catching our kids doing good” we will see more of the mentioned be- havior repeated. Encouragement and ap- preciation is a wonderful alternative to criticism and it is better for everyone in the whole family. Resources: Dr. James Jones, American Parenting Institute, Shirley King, Parent News, Jim Fay, Cline/Fay Institute. Top 10% for 11 years SELL WITH CONFIDENCE Featured Home 175 North Street $110,000 458 A Street Doll House Cute! - Charming bunga- Clean - 2 bedroom, 1.5 bath, low with white picket fence, recent spacious kitchen with Garage/shop. updates with period charm. Clean & 14x20 covered porch for entertaining. bright. Detached garage/shop. 18621 Oblack Lane $199,000 Cozy cabin - 4.02 acres with sweep- ing views, river frontage (did not flood), extensive solid cedar walls. Recent remodel, newer roof & septic. Nicely landscaped. 18619 Oblack Lane, Vernonia $259,000 LE SA G IN ND E P Park-like setting in this 4.45 acre river front property. Did not flood. 3 bedroom, 2 bath, 2296 sq.ft. manufactured home. Open and bright, kitchen island, skylight and pantry. Easy living interior with cozy pellet stove. Extensive covered porch to take in your natural surroundings. New roof! Large 34087 Pittsburg Rd. St. Helens 32x40 shop, RV hook-up, generator and much, much more! A $340,000 On a clear day you can see piece of paradise! forever - 23 acres, 3 bdrm, 2 bath 700 Adams Avenue $129,900 Many possibilities await! - 5060 sq.ft. Wooden beams, divided rooms. Pristine Rock Creek frontage. Bring your imagination! 21046 Scappoose/Vernonia Hwy. 62419 Nehalem Hwy N. $275,000 $265,000 Quality home has it all - 3.41 Country Home - 13.64 acres. Bring the horse - good pasture. 3 bedroom, 2 bath, library and 4-bay shop. A serene setting. acres, gourmet kitchen w/ nook & pantry. Bring the horse - new barn and corral. 48x60 shop w/ power & water and much, much more! Mellinger Rd. $549,000 32.92 Acres - 45 pristine lots of approximately 1/2 acre each. Preliminary approved Nehalem View planned development within city limits. A place to build your future!
