in other words
Better Parenting:
Sonia Spackman MA, MFT
soniaspackman@msn.com
I cringe when I recall how I used
to talk to my kids when I was a young
mother. I didn’t realize then how critical
I was. I wish I could go back and do it
differently. If you are still raising your
children you can do a better job. Here
are some questions to ask yourself.
1. Why do you criticize? If you are like
I was, you are attempting to get the kids
to do better your way. Since kids are
pretty good most of the time rather than
focus on what they do right, we tend to
focus on their mistakes. The kids might
think or even say: “Leave me alone” Or
“Don’t you see the good things I do?”
Let’s try to focus more on our kids’ good
qualities and let go of fault-finding.
2. Does criticizing make you feel better?
When we become frustrated or irritated
we might get relief by taking it out on
our kids by criticizing or blaming. Criti-
cism is always destructive. Before we
realize it our kids can inherit our nega-
tive attitude. I became distressed watch-
ing my sensitive son become an angry,
critical adult.
3. What is the message of Criticism?
Young children see their parents as all
knowing and take what they say as truth.
Children do not filter out the good from
the bad, like a recorder in their brain they
store it all. Many parents are not aware
of the intense damage they do when they
humiliate, put down, belittle, ridicule, or
criticize their children. They think: “If
february21
2013
8 Questions To Ask Before You Criticize Your Kids
6. How can I tell my kids when they are
doing wrong? We have a duty to correct
our children. Correction is necessary,
but it is not to be done in a critical man-
ner. If you are angry with your child try
4. What are the effects of criticism? to deal with the problem when you are
Often the words spoken to us as a child calmer. Say, “I’ll talk to you after dinner,
become the thinking we have about our- see if you can come up with some solu-
selves as adults. When we criticize it tions we can discuss.” If it cannot wait,
damages a child’s self-worth and con- explain why you are upset and tell your
child what you want
fidence. It discour-
and you will explain
ages and creates a
Seven to ten year olds can
later.
fear of trying new
reason and understand why
things.
Regular
you are angry, but still need
7. How do I reason
criticism
eventu-
reassurance
that you are cor-
with my kids?
ally leaves children
recting
them
because
you
love
A child two to
feeling turned off to
their parents. Every them, and want them behaving six years old can-
in a safe, kind, respectful, and not think logically
child needs love and
responsible way.
through a problem
acceptance. When
and then reverse the
these
important
needs are not provided for, children can logic. For example, a tall glass of wa-
end up feeling frustrated, angry, worth- ter that is poured into a shallow bowl is
less, unloved and undeserving. They not seen as the same amount of water.
may become overly fearful of criticism. A young child cannot understand that a
As adults they can become angry and parent can be angry and love them also.
critical like my son did. Or they may They cannot mentally hold two concepts
learn to develop a high tolerance for at the same time. They split off from the
criticism thus making it easier to get into loving parent while remaining with the
angry parent. Seven to ten year olds can
abusive relationships.
reason and understand why you are an-
5. What if the criticisms are true? We gry, but still need reassurance that you
are not justified saying something just are correcting them because you love
because it is true. Not all truth is up- them, and want them behaving in a safe,
lifting and supportive. Some truth can kind, respectful, and responsible way.
be destructive and harmful, and we are
not wise to say it: “Mary, your hair looks 8. How do I keep from getting angry?
terrible.” “Your mistake is why the team Try to talk to your kids like you would
lost.” Please do not think that it is OK to talk to your good neighbor. Would you
say something because it might be true. yell at your neighbor: “Why did you
leave that rake out in your driveway? Put
mom or dad thinks I am clumsy, dumb,
stupid, lazy, etc. then it must be true.
Kids get the unconscious message that
they are not OK.
Steve Calhoun
Real Estate Broker
(503) 429-4300
825 Bridge Street
Cell: (503) 706-2882
Email: stevecal2001@yahoo.com
BUY WITH KNOWLEDGE
9
that rake away right now before I have
to punish you!” But this is how we talk
to our kids. I don’t think it would work
with our neighbor and it won’t work
with our kids either.
More importantly, we must re-
member not to say or do anything while
we are correcting our children that will
hinder our relationship with them. Our
interaction with our kids needs to draw
us closer, so we can motivate them for
the change needed. Say, “In the Smith
family we do not steal.” “How do you
think we can fix this problem?” When
you speak to them like this:
• You are being sensitive to your child’s
feelings.
• You are focusing on the behavior, not
criticizing or blaming your child.
• You are providing a way of working
through the problem with your child.
• You are giving your child experience
correcting his mistakes.
• You are building trust and relationship
with your child.
Once you work through a prob-
lem you forgive and forget, praise the ef-
forts and celebrate the accomplishment.
In closing, as parents we need to
look for the good in our kids. If we can
focus on “catching our kids doing good”
we will see more of the mentioned be-
havior repeated. Encouragement and ap-
preciation is a wonderful alternative to
criticism and it is better for everyone in
the whole family.
Resources: Dr. James Jones, American
Parenting Institute, Shirley King, Parent
News, Jim Fay, Cline/Fay Institute.
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