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About Vernonia's voice. (Vernonia, OR) 2007-current | View Entire Issue (Feb. 7, 2013)
8 vernonia prevention coalition february7 2013 The content on this page is provided by the Vernonia Prevention Coalition Be a Piece of the Puzzle: Another Take on Bullying By Bonnie Harris, M.S., Ed. 2011 Reprinted from the The Monadnock Ledger-Transcript Theories abound on why bully- ing happens and what to do about it, but all experts seem to agree that bullying is about an imbalance of power. One child gains or holds power by diminishing another’s. It comes in many forms and today has most destructively reached a new high with the convenience and ano- nymity of the internet. Some bullies are children who feel powerless in their own lives and strive to gain power by identifying a weaker victim they can feel superior to by intimidating them in some way. Their tactics insure superiority over the vic- tim and help them to feel powerful in their lives. We also now recognize that many bullies can be the most powerful and popular children in school—those “lucky” kids who happen to be attrac- tive, charismatic and even academically successful. They are lucky because these qualities are inborn and admired by our society. Learned behaviors turn these kids into bullies. It is important to main- tain their perceived power within their peer groups by attracting followers, their worker bees, and to remain superior and “cool” by bullying weaker victims. Some children are products of broken homes where each parent disci- plines in conflicting ways. Some are ig- nored from lack of time or energy. These children can feel powerless and invis- ible, lacking control in their lives. They find ways to control others whom they can. There is no formula to accurately define a bully. No predictive factors for who will become one or who will bully in their youth but rescind their ways with maturity. It is equally difficult to find preventative measures. Many new bullying programs focus on empowering the bystander to speak up countering the age-old mes- sage of “don’t be a tattletale.” But many children fear later repercussions from the bully. Although there is some suc- cess with this approach, it is meant to help and support the child being bullied. But we’re still not getting it. Bullying is thriving—always has; always will. Until we get to the bottom of it. We need to look to the source. What creates the bully? Is it human nature? Will we always have bullies no matter what? Or is there a solution? If there is, the solution must address the motivations of the bully. Why must this child bul- ly? What compels him or her to torment, persecute, intimidate or dominate another? If bullying is about an imbal- ance of power, it must develop from an imbalance of power. Our children are brought up in fertile territory. We teach them how to survive in a world of bullies every day. They watch how we do it and they learn. Whenever I advocate respect and empathy as the basis of healthy commu- nication with children, someone always says, “That’s well and good, but it’s a hard world out there and people aren’t going to care how my kid feels!” So National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255) suicidepreventionlifeline.org most families go about hardening their children for the world we have rather than creating a microcosm of the world we want. Look at what is being modeled for our children—in our homes, schools, businesses, media—in our world. Don’t we all thrive on bullying? Aren’t we all out for ourselves? From yelling at and punishing our kids when they don’t do what we want all the way up to threatening other countries when they don’t do what we want, we are showing our kids the pow- er of the bully from the bottom up. How many of us live in truly peaceful homes where problems are resolved with talk- ing and negotiating, where power is balanced within the family so no one’s needs are any more or any less important than anyone else’s, where punishment is never used as a restrictive device? And how many bullies are products of these kinds of homes? I doubt you’ll find one. We don’t want to take a hard, cold look at the way we teach our chil- dren because then it might be our fault. It lets us off the hook to blame the child. Let me just say, it is no one’s fault but what generation after generation we have slowly become. Society is addicted to punishing, blaming, making another suffer for wrong-doing. Is it in our na- ture? Is it a natural impulse to punish? Or is it just what we’ve learned? Blaming is one of a parent’s main teaching tools. Children are blamed and shamed for “making” us mad, for hitting, for not doing their chores or schoolwork, for wanting what they want when they want it. When children are blamed, they have no choice but to become defensive. Denial (“I didn’t do it”), running away and passing the blame (“He did it.”) are common responses. As children mature they get cleverer at deflecting responsi- bility. It seems natural to dump on others to make one look bigger or more power- ful. It is learned from early childhood. It becomes a weapon of the bully. Many of the tool parent’s are us- ing in an effort to teach a child to behave are bullying techniques. Many parents still struggle from messages they learned in childhood: “What, are you stupid or something?” “I’ll give you something to cry about!” “You little #@*#, who do you think you are?” “You ruin everything.” “You will do what I say because I say so.” If this isn’t bullying, I don’t know what is. We learn from generations past that putting others down are the way to get what we want. But we have the capacity for change. And when parents do change their responses to their children, switch from punishment to problem solving, from screaming to talking, when they learn to defuse their own buttons, the response I hear is overwhelming. They feel good about themselves and their children become the beneficiaries of a new promise. Are you interested in helping to make change on this issue? The Vernonia Prevention Coalition is dedicated to helping make a safe and healthy com- munity through collaborative planning, community action, policy advocacy and enforcement. Contact DeAnna Pearl @ (503) 369- 7370 or DeAnna@vernonia- or.gov. Are you feeling desperate, alone or hopeless? Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline a free, 24-hour hotline available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. Your call will be routed to the nearest crisis center to you. Veterans Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-TALK (8255) Press 1 2012-2013 Vernonia Prevention Coalition Sector Representatives Position Name Sector Contact Affiliation Chair Josette Mitchell Government (503) 429-4232 COV Mayor Vice Chair Pete Weisel School (503) 429-3521 VHS Councilor Exec. Board Dr. Ken Cox Media (503) 429-5891 VSD Superintendent Exec. Board Shawn Carnahan Police (503) 429-4232 COV Police Board Member Nic Welch Faith (503) 748-9193 Vernonia Comm. Church Sector Member Mark Brown Faith (503) 961-5281 Vernonia Comm. Church Board Member Breanne Mares Prevention (503) 396-7637 Col. County Mental Health Board Member Heidi Brown Business (503) 429-2787 Grey Dawn Gallery Board Member Gina Fields Parent (503) 429-6306 Parent Teacher Association Board Member Kathy Kelly Youth Serving (503) 369-7249 Vernonia Head Start Board Member Alexis Baska Youth (503) 429-3521 O.S.S.O.M. Sector Member Michal Bathurst Youth (503) 429-3521 O.S.S.O.M. Board Member George Tice Civic Org. (503) 880-1627 Lions Club Board Member Ashley Swanson Health Serv. (503) 396-2074 Public Health Foundation of Columbia County Heather Lewis Contractor (503) 429-4677 Resource Coordinator VPC Mission: To develop safe and healthy neighborhoods through collaborative planning, community action, policy advocacy and enforcement. Spencer Health and Wellness School Based Health Center will be open to patients on Tuesdays and Fridays from 7:30 AM - 1:30 PM
