8
vernonia prevention coalition
february7
2013
The content on this page is provided by the Vernonia Prevention Coalition
Be a Piece of the Puzzle: Another Take on Bullying
By Bonnie Harris, M.S.,
Ed. 2011
Reprinted from the
The Monadnock
Ledger-Transcript
Theories abound on why bully-
ing happens and what to do about it, but
all experts seem to agree that bullying is
about an imbalance of power. One child
gains or holds power by diminishing
another’s. It comes in many forms and
today has most destructively reached a
new high with the convenience and ano-
nymity of the internet.
Some bullies are children who
feel powerless in their own lives and
strive to gain power by identifying a
weaker victim they can feel superior to
by intimidating them in some way. Their
tactics insure superiority over the vic-
tim and help them to feel powerful in
their lives. We also now recognize that
many bullies can be the most powerful
and popular children in school—those
“lucky” kids who happen to be attrac-
tive, charismatic and even academically
successful.
They are lucky because these
qualities are inborn and admired by our
society. Learned behaviors turn these
kids into bullies. It is important to main-
tain their perceived power within their
peer groups by attracting followers, their
worker bees, and to remain superior and
“cool” by bullying weaker victims.
Some children are products of
broken homes where each parent disci-
plines in conflicting ways. Some are ig-
nored from lack of time or energy. These
children can feel powerless and invis-
ible, lacking control in their lives. They
find ways to control others whom they
can. There is no formula to accurately
define a bully. No predictive factors for
who will become one or who will bully
in their youth but rescind their ways with
maturity. It is equally difficult to find
preventative measures.
Many new bullying programs
focus on empowering the bystander to
speak up countering the age-old mes-
sage of “don’t be a tattletale.” But many
children fear later repercussions from
the bully. Although there is some suc-
cess with this approach, it is meant to
help and support the child being bullied.
But we’re still not getting it.
Bullying is thriving—always
has; always will. Until we
get to the bottom of it. We
need to look to the source.
What creates the bully? Is
it human nature? Will we
always have bullies no
matter what? Or is there
a solution? If there is, the
solution must address the
motivations of the bully.
Why must this child bul-
ly? What compels him or
her to torment, persecute,
intimidate or dominate
another? If bullying is about an imbal-
ance of power, it must develop from an
imbalance of power. Our children are
brought up in fertile territory. We teach
them how to survive in a world of bullies
every day. They watch how we do it and
they learn.
Whenever I advocate respect and
empathy as the basis of healthy commu-
nication with children, someone always
says, “That’s well and good, but it’s a
hard world out there and people aren’t
going to care how my kid feels!” So
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-TALK (8255)
suicidepreventionlifeline.org
most families go about hardening their
children for the world we have rather
than creating a microcosm of the world
we want. Look at what is being modeled
for our children—in our homes, schools,
businesses, media—in our world. Don’t
we all thrive on bullying? Aren’t we all
out for ourselves?
From yelling at and punishing
our kids when they don’t do what we
want all the way up to threatening other
countries when they don’t do what we
want, we are showing our kids the pow-
er of the bully from the bottom up. How
many of us live in truly peaceful homes
where problems are resolved with talk-
ing and negotiating, where power is
balanced within the family so no one’s
needs are any more or any less important
than anyone else’s, where punishment is
never used as a restrictive device? And
how many bullies are products of these
kinds of homes? I doubt you’ll find one.
We don’t want to take a hard,
cold look at the way we teach our chil-
dren because then it might be our fault.
It lets us off the hook to blame the child.
Let me just say, it is no one’s fault but
what generation after generation we
have slowly become. Society is addicted
to punishing, blaming, making another
suffer for wrong-doing. Is it in our na-
ture? Is it a natural impulse to punish?
Or is it just what we’ve learned?
Blaming is one of a parent’s main
teaching tools. Children are blamed and
shamed for “making” us mad, for hitting,
for not doing their chores or schoolwork,
for wanting what they want when they
want it. When children are blamed, they
have no choice but to become defensive.
Denial (“I didn’t do it”), running away
and passing the blame (“He did it.”) are
common responses. As children mature
they get cleverer at deflecting responsi-
bility. It seems natural to dump on others
to make one look bigger or more power-
ful. It is learned from early childhood. It
becomes a weapon of the bully.
Many of the tool parent’s are us-
ing in an effort to teach a child to behave
are bullying techniques. Many parents
still struggle from messages
they learned in childhood:
“What, are you stupid or
something?” “I’ll give you
something to cry about!”
“You little #@*#, who do
you think you are?” “You
ruin everything.” “You will
do what I say because I say
so.” If this isn’t bullying, I
don’t know what is. We learn
from generations past that
putting others down are the
way to get what we want.
But we have the capacity for
change. And when parents do change
their responses to their children, switch
from punishment to problem solving,
from screaming to talking, when they
learn to defuse their own buttons, the
response I hear is overwhelming. They
feel good about themselves and their
children become the beneficiaries of a
new promise.
Are you interested in helping to make
change on this issue? The Vernonia
Prevention Coalition is dedicated to
helping make a safe and healthy com-
munity through collaborative planning,
community action, policy advocacy and
enforcement. Contact DeAnna Pearl @
(503) 369- 7370 or DeAnna@vernonia-
or.gov.
Are you feeling desperate, alone or hopeless? Call the National Suicide Prevention
Lifeline a free, 24-hour hotline available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional
distress. Your call will be routed to the nearest crisis center to you.
Veterans Suicide Prevention Hotline
1-800-273-TALK (8255) Press 1
2012-2013 Vernonia Prevention Coalition Sector Representatives
Position
Name
Sector
Contact
Affiliation
Chair
Josette Mitchell
Government
(503) 429-4232
COV Mayor
Vice Chair
Pete Weisel
School
(503) 429-3521
VHS Councilor
Exec. Board
Dr. Ken Cox
Media
(503) 429-5891
VSD Superintendent
Exec. Board
Shawn Carnahan
Police
(503) 429-4232
COV Police
Board Member
Nic Welch
Faith
(503) 748-9193
Vernonia Comm. Church
Sector Member
Mark Brown
Faith
(503) 961-5281
Vernonia Comm. Church
Board Member
Breanne Mares
Prevention
(503) 396-7637
Col. County Mental Health
Board Member
Heidi Brown
Business
(503) 429-2787
Grey Dawn Gallery
Board Member
Gina Fields
Parent
(503) 429-6306
Parent Teacher Association
Board Member
Kathy Kelly
Youth Serving
(503) 369-7249
Vernonia Head Start
Board Member
Alexis Baska
Youth
(503) 429-3521
O.S.S.O.M.
Sector Member
Michal Bathurst
Youth
(503) 429-3521
O.S.S.O.M.
Board Member
George Tice
Civic Org.
(503) 880-1627
Lions Club
Board Member
Ashley Swanson
Health Serv.
(503) 396-2074
Public Health Foundation of
Columbia County
Heather Lewis
Contractor
(503) 429-4677
Resource Coordinator
VPC Mission:
To develop safe and healthy neighborhoods through collaborative planning, community action, policy advocacy
and enforcement.
Spencer Health and Wellness
School Based Health Center
will be open to patients on
Tuesdays and Fridays from 7:30 AM - 1:30 PM
