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About Vernonia's voice. (Vernonia, OR) 2007-current | View Entire Issue (April 10, 2012)
in other words april10 2012 Voices From the Crowd: Don’t Give Money to Your Dog! By Peter O’Leary Where was I? Oh yeah, we were talking at work the other day about the pickup truck Timmy’s Dad drove on the old “Lassie” television show. It was so cool. It was two-tone, with black and white and shades of black and white, and shades of gray and….. Anyway, I did some research and discovered that it was a 1958 Dodge D200. When I was a pre- pubescent Catholic grade school boy I sat in class daydreaming of driving that truck, with June Lockhart perched perkily to my right and Timmy riding shotgun. How I replaced Timmy’s Dad I don’t know. Presumably he got trapped in an abandoned mine shaft and Lassie blew it off. I’m OK with that, because that leaves me with June (who I’m guessing is still pretty hot well into her 80’s.) So we’re barreling down a dirt road trying to get to the feed store before it closes. There’s a cold, wind- driven rain pounding the truck, casting a dark curtain over the otherwise bucolic terrain of Lassieville. Lassie’s in the truck bed barking and Timmy is facing the window, crying silently. “Damn it Lassie, everything is not a crisis,” I say. “Timmy, will you please stop crying?” At about this point my attention usually returned to focusing on the bra- strap outlines visible on the blouse of Yvonne Escobar, who was seated in the desk in front of me. Lassie was really not much of an actor, if you want to know the truth. First of all she was a he, which saddled her/him with some crushing feelings of gender stigma. Years of therapy never truly served to address the hidden angst. Lassie clearly relied throughout her/his career on the stunning beauty which overshadowed an alarming lack of acting skill. Mr. Ed was also not a very good actor. I know what you’re thinking; “One’s a dog, the other’s a horse. You can’t fairly compare their mastery of the craft.” Ok, Mr. Ed did bring some comedic skills to the table, but I like to think I’m progressive enough to judge acting on merits, not species. Mr. Ed could not act his way out of a paper bag, nor a feed bag for that matter. He relied almost entirely on props and stunts. Funny hats, crazy glasses and wacky outfits were his springboard to fame. “Shoot me a straight line Wilbur, I’m wearing a Hula skirt.” No thanks. You know who was a good actor? Remember Tiger from the Brady Bunch? Now there was a professional. He hit his marks, remembered his lines (barks), and picked up the slack while personal crises and dysfunction ran rampant among the human element of the cast. Talented actor, that Tiger, but the money ruined him. After The Brady Bunch was cancelled Tiger developed a nasty crack habit, spent some time in rehab, and now barks for kibble at a dinner theatre in Branson, Missouri. Lassie didn’t fare much better, losing a substantial investment in a southern Ecuadorian Snausage mine. This brings me to my primary point. Do not give money to your dog. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but even the smartest dogs are not very adept financially. Are you familiar with that painting of the dogs playing poker? I’m pretty sure that didn’t really happen because every one of them would have been thumping their tails for the first three of a kind they were dealt. A straight flush and that bulldog would have been peeing on the table like a water cannon. Have you ever noticed how dogs wear sweaters but they don’t wear pants? While we’re on the subject, have you ever noticed that Mickey Mouse wears pants but no shirt, while Donald Duck wears a shirt but no pants? What’s the story there? But let’s get back to the dogs. Dogs don’t wear pants because pants have pockets, and if dogs had pockets they could carry money. We don’t even want to think about what else they might keep in their pockets (probably tater Vernonia Community Theater Profiles Senior Director for his high school in his senior year. He attended Lawrence University in Appleton, Wisconsin where he joined the Attic Theater. “I was best friends with Willem Dafoe; he and I were in several shows together,” says Longhenry. Those productions included Cabaret and several other musicals. After university Longhen- ry moved on to Chicago where he worked for the Oak Park Players do- ing set design and set construction. In Alaska Longhenry was part of the Pier One Theatre Group where he per- formed Shakespeare, including Mac- beth. This is Longhenry’s first pro- duction with the VCT. In addition to directing, he will also have a role on stage as a detective. He thinks the Vernonia audience will really enjoy this production. ‘It’s a simple twist on Vernonia’s school situation,” says Longhenry. “Community theater is a great chance for people who are somewhat inhibited about getting on stage,” says Longhenry. “You can start and work backstage and see how much fun the people are having on stage and then come on stage eventually. It’s a great place for kids to get experience.” Terry’s Gym 7 tots), but the money would be the real problem. The only positive about dogs in pants is that maybe they’d think twice about peeing every twenty feet. “Is this really worth unzipping for?” I’m sure it would start innocently enough. The dogs would spend their four waking hours hanging out at the Mini Mart, chomping down Slim Jims and corndogs until they made themselves sick. When they became bored with that they might hang out at the park, pull out a dollar bill and say “Hey Chipper, I’ll give a buck if you roll in that.”Or “I’ll bet you five bucks you won’t sniff Bridget’s butt.” There would be a lot of that kind of foolishness. The thing is we don’t know where it might end. Dogs with lots of money might buy Nascar teams just so they can stick their heads out the window at two hundred twelve miles per hour. So don’t give money to your dog. No good can come of it. I should mention that Mr. Ed invested in a jockey breeding program in Kentucky and retired quite comfortably with over three million dollars in the bank. That ain’t road apples. Peter O’Leary formerly wrote a humorous column for Vernonia’s Voice called Voices in my Head. He has been greatly missed. continued from front page Longhenry is impressed with the cast the VCT has put together for their production of Vaudeville’s My Home. “I think there is some great tal- ent that we’ve found in this town for this production,” he says. “We’ve been very successful in finding talent and I think the people who see this show are really going to enjoy it.” Vernonia Volunteer Firefighters 5 th Annual JOIN THE TEAM! 503-901-1705 16720 Noakes Rd. Vernonia IT’S TAX TIME Call your LOCAL tax preparer Individual and small business Saturday, May 5th 8:00am~12:00pm VMS Cafeteria R Y O A LL PL P US LLC Pancakes, Biscuits & Gravy, Ham, Eggs, Fruit & More! Cord of Wood Raffle $1/ticket or $5/6 tickets Fire truck rides & blood pressure checks! Edi Sheldon 503-429-1819 edisheldon@gmail.com Pancake Feed! LTC#29629-C Bookkeeping • QuickBooks Assistance • Full Service Payroll Adult Plate $7 Kid Plate (12 & under) $5 Seniors (62+) $5 Family (max 6) $25
