in other words
april10
2012
Voices From the Crowd: Don’t Give Money to Your Dog!
By Peter O’Leary
Where was I? Oh yeah, we were
talking at work the other day about the
pickup truck Timmy’s Dad drove on the
old “Lassie” television show. It was so
cool. It was two-tone, with black and
white and shades of black and white, and
shades of gray and…..
Anyway, I did some research
and discovered that it was a 1958
Dodge D200. When I was a pre-
pubescent Catholic grade school boy
I sat in class daydreaming of driving
that truck, with June Lockhart perched
perkily to my right and Timmy riding
shotgun. How I replaced Timmy’s
Dad I don’t know. Presumably he got
trapped in an abandoned mine shaft and
Lassie blew it off. I’m OK with that,
because that leaves me with June (who
I’m guessing is still pretty hot well into
her 80’s.) So we’re barreling down a
dirt road trying to get to the feed store
before it closes. There’s a cold, wind-
driven rain pounding the truck, casting
a dark curtain over the otherwise bucolic
terrain of Lassieville. Lassie’s in the
truck bed barking and Timmy is facing
the window, crying silently. “Damn it
Lassie, everything is not a crisis,” I say.
“Timmy, will you please stop crying?”
At about this point my attention usually
returned to focusing on the bra- strap
outlines visible on the blouse of Yvonne
Escobar, who was seated in the desk in
front of me.
Lassie was really not much of
an actor, if you want to know the truth.
First of all she was a he, which saddled
her/him with some crushing feelings of
gender stigma. Years of therapy never
truly served to address the hidden angst.
Lassie clearly relied throughout her/his
career on the stunning beauty which
overshadowed an alarming lack of acting
skill.
Mr. Ed was also not a very good
actor. I know what you’re thinking;
“One’s a dog, the other’s a horse. You
can’t fairly compare their mastery of
the craft.” Ok, Mr. Ed did bring some
comedic skills to the table, but I like to
think I’m progressive enough to judge
acting on merits, not species. Mr. Ed
could not act his way out of a paper bag,
nor a feed bag for that matter. He relied
almost entirely on props and stunts.
Funny hats, crazy glasses and wacky
outfits were his springboard to fame.
“Shoot me a straight line Wilbur, I’m
wearing a Hula skirt.” No thanks.
You know who was a good
actor? Remember Tiger from the Brady
Bunch? Now there was a professional.
He hit his marks, remembered his lines
(barks), and picked up the slack while
personal crises and dysfunction ran
rampant among the human element of
the cast. Talented actor, that Tiger, but
the money ruined him. After The Brady
Bunch was cancelled Tiger developed
a nasty crack habit, spent some time
in rehab, and now barks for kibble at
a dinner theatre in Branson, Missouri.
Lassie didn’t fare much better, losing
a substantial investment in a southern
Ecuadorian Snausage mine.
This brings me to my primary
point. Do not give money to your dog.
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but even
the smartest dogs are not very adept
financially. Are you familiar with that
painting of the dogs playing poker? I’m
pretty sure that didn’t really happen
because every one of them would have
been thumping their tails for the first
three of a kind they were dealt. A straight
flush and that bulldog would have been
peeing on the table like a water cannon.
Have you ever noticed how dogs wear
sweaters but they don’t wear pants?
While we’re on the subject, have you
ever noticed that Mickey Mouse wears
pants but no shirt, while Donald Duck
wears a shirt but no pants? What’s the
story there? But let’s get back to the dogs.
Dogs don’t wear pants because pants
have pockets, and if dogs had pockets
they could carry money. We don’t even
want to think about what else they might
keep in their pockets (probably tater
Vernonia Community Theater Profiles
Senior Director for his high school in
his senior year. He attended Lawrence
University in Appleton,
Wisconsin
where he joined the Attic Theater. “I
was best friends with Willem Dafoe; he
and I were in several shows together,”
says Longhenry. Those productions
included Cabaret and several other
musicals.
After university Longhen-
ry moved on to Chicago where he
worked for the Oak Park Players do-
ing set design and set construction.
In Alaska Longhenry was part of the
Pier One Theatre Group where he per-
formed Shakespeare, including Mac-
beth.
This is Longhenry’s first pro-
duction with the VCT. In addition to
directing, he will also have a role on
stage as a detective. He thinks the
Vernonia audience will really enjoy
this production. ‘It’s a simple twist
on Vernonia’s school situation,” says
Longhenry.
“Community theater is a
great chance for people who are
somewhat inhibited about getting on
stage,” says Longhenry. “You can start
and work backstage and see how much
fun the people are having on stage and
then come on stage eventually. It’s a
great place for kids to get experience.”
Terry’s
Gym
7
tots), but the money would be the real
problem. The only positive about dogs
in pants is that maybe they’d think twice
about peeing every twenty feet. “Is this
really worth unzipping for?”
I’m sure it would start innocently
enough. The dogs would spend their four
waking hours hanging out at the Mini
Mart, chomping down Slim Jims and
corndogs until they made themselves
sick. When they became bored with
that they might hang out at the park, pull
out a dollar bill and say “Hey Chipper,
I’ll give a buck if you roll in that.”Or
“I’ll bet you five bucks you won’t sniff
Bridget’s butt.” There would be a lot of
that kind of foolishness. The thing is we
don’t know where it might end. Dogs
with lots of money might buy Nascar
teams just so they can stick their heads
out the window at two hundred twelve
miles per hour. So don’t give money to
your dog. No good can come of it.
I should mention that Mr. Ed
invested in a jockey breeding program in
Kentucky and retired quite comfortably
with over three million dollars in the
bank. That ain’t road apples.
Peter O’Leary formerly wrote a
humorous column for Vernonia’s Voice
called Voices in my Head. He has been
greatly missed.
continued from front page
Longhenry is impressed with
the cast the VCT has put together for
their production of Vaudeville’s My
Home. “I think there is some great tal-
ent that we’ve found in this town for this
production,” he says. “We’ve been very
successful in finding talent and I think
the people who see this show are really
going to enjoy it.”
Vernonia Volunteer
Firefighters
5 th
Annual
JOIN
THE TEAM!
503-901-1705
16720 Noakes Rd. Vernonia
IT’S TAX TIME
Call your LOCAL tax preparer
Individual and small business
Saturday, May 5th
8:00am~12:00pm
VMS Cafeteria
R
Y
O
A
LL PL
P
US LLC
Pancakes, Biscuits & Gravy, Ham, Eggs, Fruit & More!
Cord of Wood Raffle $1/ticket or $5/6 tickets
Fire truck rides & blood pressure checks!
Edi Sheldon 503-429-1819
edisheldon@gmail.com
Pancake Feed!
LTC#29629-C
Bookkeeping • QuickBooks Assistance • Full Service Payroll
Adult Plate $7 Kid Plate (12 & under) $5
Seniors (62+) $5 Family (max 6) $25