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in other words november8 2011 Better Parenting: Kids Who Beat the Odds 15 How Parents Can Make the Difference Creating Resilience in Their Kids - Part 2 By Sonia Spackman MA, MFT Children today seem to experience more stress filled situations that hinder their thinking and behaving in everyday life. They are developing coping patterns that can hinder them now and as adults. Yet, other children that suffer are able to use their resiliency. This explains why some kids overcome overwhelming misfortune while others become victims of their early experiences. Join me in Part 2 as we examine the last 7 of 13 ways that we as parents or adults can make the difference in a child’s life. #7 Do not overindulge your child, teach “delayed gratification” It’s OK for kids not to have everything they want or what their friends have. They can learn to earn some of the things they want. It is OK for kids to wait – to prove they are responsible. I will tell you a story about how well to do and caring parents handicapped their kids. These boys were considered good kids, graduating with honors from Grant High School, one was president of the senior class. The boys shocked the community when they were arrested for a series of robberies in Portland. When asked why, they replied that their parents would not buy them stereos for their cars. Their faulty thinking was they didn’t have money or a job, so they thought robbery was the fastest way to get the stereos. Many parents give generously to their kids but fail to teach them about miss out on the opportunity to become delayed gratification and responsibility. competent. #10 Help your child develop a talent #8 Love your child unconditionally To build resilience in a child Love your children for who they are not for what they do well. Love them does not require a super kid. What is even if they don’t get good grades or are needed is to find one or two places where good in sports – even when your kids are a child can succeed and feel some self- not keeping up with the Joneses’ kids or confidence. Adults can encourage a kid are dressing weird and full of piercings to get good at something even if he does and tattoos. Many children mistake poorly at school – like art, music, sports parents’ disappointment for lack of love. where he feels he/she has a value. The difference between A long-term kids that have one or psychological study of Resilient kids usually more talents or hobbies infants found that those become resilient and those that have none who did not get enough adults, able to roll with is major. Adults who help love and attention ended the punches of being a child gain skills (and up as adults with broken human in an imperfect possibly a career path as relationships and in and unfair world. an adult) can help their trouble with the law. #9 Hand over control to your child lives be more positive. #11 Teach (and model) for your kids when it is reasonable Let children in an age- to do the right thing. Show your child how to stand appropriate way, have as much power, and as many choices and opportunities up for him or herself and others. Teach to fail - or succeed as possible – without them how to be caring and do thoughtful parent disapproval or swooping in to things for others each day. Teach manners and how to become the person take control or rescue them. Children learn flexibility and they want others to be. If the adults in cooperation and gain confidence from a child’s world will act this way the chores or a part time job. In the process, kids will follow suit. This can be the they have to manage their time, solve real- best thing your child learns at home to life problems and be more independent. produce a successful life. Surveys show that children who have #12 Give your child information At age 2, like many children chores at home do better in school. A Joey was afraid of the roar of the vacuum child needs to feel she is an important member of the family with something cleaner. His mother opened the inside real to give. Then he needs praise, but so he could see there was nothing scary only for a job well done. Some children inside. At any age information can have so much done for them that they be the tool against the terror of the unknown. A child needs to be prepared for a crisis, like going to the hospital to get his tonsils out. If you tell your child the truth about what is going to happen and tell him you will be there and give him a chance to ask questions and he will have a better sense of control. #13 Give your child hope for the future Why do some kids from abusive homes become abusers themselves, while others become model parents? Researchers have found one overriding trait: “ a basic view of optimism and hope.” So if you hope, dream and plan, chances are your child will too. The difference between an emotionally strong and resilient child and a weak one can be how well the parent expectations match the child’s know how, a mismatch can leave a child devastated. In closing, it is the individuals who use resiliency to comfort and empower themselves that are able to persevere through their own adversity, become stronger because of it, and help others do the same Resources Sam Goldstein, Ph.D, Robert Brooks, Ph.D., Raising Resilient Children, Robert Sullivan, What Makes a Child Resilient? Denise Allen, OT, Lori Day Consulting, Claire Safran, Kids Who Beat the Odds. soniaspackman@ msn.com The Gun Doctor: The Four Basic Rules of Firearm Safety By Wolfgang Rotbart This is the first in an ongoing series on firearm safety, proper usage, maintenance, etc. In these articles, I will not advocate firearm ownership and will avoid political issues such as gun control. I will, however, try to cover issues one should consider before acquiring a firearm, especially for self- defense. I chose this topic as the lead because it is the foundation for the safe handling and use of all firearms in general, whether for hunting, target or self-defense. By possessing a firearm, you are continually making a series of life-or- death decisions every time you use or even handle it. It is a grave responsibility that should not be taken lightly. The Four Basic Rules, if followed unfailingly, all but eliminate the possibility of a serious or fatal unintentional discharge. So let’s get to them. The Four Basic Rules of Firearm Safety: 1) ALWAYS assume ALL firearms are loaded. A surprising number of people have been killed with what they thought were “unloaded” firearms. 2) Never point a firearm at anything you are not willing to kill, maim or destroy. Stated another way, keep it pointed in a safe direction at all times except in cases of extreme self-defense. 3) Keep your finger off the trigger until ANY time, but rather that they have a bit your sights are on target and you have of built-in redundancy to them. made the decision to shoot. These rules do not adequately address the subject of firearm safety 4) Be sure of your target and what is in and around the home, especially beyond it. You are legally and morally regarding children. That is a topic that responsible for everything that occurs will require its own article. from the moment you pull the trigger I welcome ideas for topics for until the bullet stops. these articles. Please email them to: Wolfgang@WolfgangTheGunDoctor. I like this set of rules better than com or call me at (503)429-7342, 10:00 some of the others out there because it – 5:00 M – F. is short and easy to remember. Most of the other sets of rules are just variations Wolfgang Rotbart is an AGI-certified and combinations of these four. Another Master Gunsmith and a NRA-certified reason is that you pretty much have to Basic Pistol Course Instructor. He break two or more of the rules at one time works as a gunsmith and as an Oregon before someone gets hurt. However, I Concealed Handgun Safety Course don’t mean to imply that anyone should Instructor. 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