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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Aug. 5, 2011)
. W ! 2 6 voices > AUGUST 5, 2011 I want to be androgynous, neither man nor woman. I’m not a girl trapped in a boy’s body, or a boy trapped in a girl’s body. I’m me in the body I was born in, only I’d like to make my body look more like me. To me, that means more androgynous. The problem is, my mind sees either man or woman everywhere I look, and I ask myself, “W h at’s wrong with me?” I don’t want to pose that question. I want to love myself, and I want to love what I want to become. Right now, though, the world, and my mind, seems to be standing in my way. In reading .gender and sexual history, I find there have always been two poles: male and female. People who blurred the lines, men who became “effeminate” and women who grew “masculine,” were considered outcasts. They upset the culture’s unwritten rules about power, the women considered presump tuous for trying to rise above their station, the men disgraced for allowing themselves to fall. W hat I’ve been reading is what my m ind’s al ways told me, only now it’s in black and white for me to question. Is it true? How can I answer that? It’s our culture, the ^shared story that we live every day. Being an gry at the reality is like being angry at Eng lish, or crosswalks, or clothes. The problem is, clothes seem to be what I’m most angry about these days. I want to wear whatever I want to wear, but a lot of the time I don’t want to wear it. For C uc«d> /VUS >CAP Skirting The Issue from half a life to whole BY M IK K I GILLETTE Objectively, a skirt is a piece Tuesdays 11am- 1pm Thursdays 4 8 p m drag, that longed to not be me. Perhaps the shame was already there, attached to my gen der in whatever form it took. Could I wear a skirt in public and be myself today? I believe so, but I fear how it would look. I don’t relish attention, and I fear it would attract some, if not violence. Is that just in my head? I’d like to think so. I don’t like having to censor myself. Choosing to don a skirt would likely paral lel every step o f the coming out process. At first it would seem overwhelming and peril ous. My initial try would be an out-of-body experience, and eventually it would become the new normal. ~ Except that it’s hard to imagine this ever feeling normal, simply because I don’t see anyone else doing it. You don’t know me, but rest assured, I’m not a trendsetter, and I don’t believe I ’m on to the next fad here. Would I want to be the only one doing something just because I liked it? Yes, as strange as it sounds to me. I remem ber when I lived in Berkeley, a guy walked around downtown a lot sporting a business style haircut and wire-rim glasses, a tight white T-shirt, m ini-skirt and women’s pumps. I thought he was the weirdest thing I’d ever seen. I hope he didn’t agree. J#] attended, there wasn’t a skirt to be seen. “Well, maybe wearing a skirt isn’t androgy of fabric; culturally, it signifies nous,” I think. Maybe. But I wear a scarf on something, and signifies it so my head, women’s sweaters and jewelry. W hy is a skirt a divide? strongly it stops me in my tracks. This is where culture is so tricky. Objec example, tonight I’m going dancing, and it tively, a skirt is a piece o f fabric; culturally, it would be fun to wear a skirt. O r rather, it signifies something, and signifies it so strongly would be fun if my mind didn't race at the it stops me in my tracks. I don’t have to let it, but I do, because I don’t want to give up what mere suggestion of it. “A skirt? But I’m not becoming a woman. I think not wearing a skirt in public gives me. Plus, it would look weird. Also, I don’t want to In my twenties I wore skirts, but only when I get my ass kicked. Besides, what would it was in drag: wig, makeup, breasts, etc. In public mean}”That last question comes up a lot. I was androgynous: I wore men’s and women’s If I’m a biological male, and not currently clothes, had long hair and painted my nails, but trying to pass as anything different, what would the skirts were the dividing line again. it mean for me to wear a skirt in public? I hate To wear a skirt or a dress I thought I need that question. I’d prefer it simply mean I like ed “permission,” and that meant turning my wearing skirts, but my thoughts don’t stop self into a girl. I had lots of rules about it— or there. Part of me wants to know why I like maybe I just said I did. I went out in drag to wearing skirts, and its conclusions aren’t kind. clubs, but also to parties and on dates. No “Is it because I look down on myself?” I matter what the situation, I felt shame about wonder. “Because wearing a skirt is like . . . it in retrospect. abdicating my status.” I wish I could say th at’s Is it because o f the bargain I made, “You all in my head, but my eyes tell a different can wear a skirt if you’re not you”? Perhaps, M ik k i G illette is a journalist and author. story. At the last transwoman support group I but there’s a part o f me that rushed toward Visit zer blog at leelaginelle.com. Walk-in testing for guys into guys in ) When WWW.JUSTOUT.COM Clark County y Where; •HCfVlcWTLL (JOÜ S £ £ U¡Ol)Q 5 . 4 M I L ( j? ) For more info: Harm Reduction Center 3701 East Fourth Plain Vancouver. 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