. W !
2 6
voices >
AUGUST 5, 2011
I want to be androgynous, neither man nor
woman. I’m not a girl trapped in a boy’s body,
or a boy trapped in a girl’s body. I’m me in the
body I was born in, only I’d like to make my
body look more like me. To me, that means
more androgynous.
The problem is, my mind sees either man or
woman everywhere I look, and I ask myself,
“W h at’s wrong with me?”
I don’t want to pose that question. I want
to love myself, and I want to love what I want
to become. Right now, though, the world, and
my mind, seems to be standing in my way.
In reading .gender and sexual history, I find
there have always been two poles: male and
female. People who blurred the lines, men
who became “effeminate” and women who
grew “masculine,” were considered outcasts.
They upset the culture’s unwritten rules
about power, the women considered presump
tuous for trying to rise above their station, the
men disgraced for allowing themselves to fall.
W hat I’ve been reading is what my m ind’s al
ways told me, only now it’s in black and white
for me to question. Is it true?
How can I answer that? It’s our culture, the
^shared story that we live every day. Being an
gry at the reality is like being angry at Eng
lish, or crosswalks, or clothes. The problem is,
clothes seem to be what I’m most angry about
these days.
I want to wear whatever I want to wear, but
a lot of the time I don’t want to wear it. For
C uc«d> /VUS
>CAP
Skirting The Issue
from half a life to whole
BY M IK K I GILLETTE
Objectively, a skirt is a piece
Tuesdays 11am- 1pm
Thursdays 4 8 p m
drag, that longed to not be me. Perhaps the
shame was already there, attached to my gen
der in whatever form it took.
Could I wear a skirt in public and be myself
today? I believe so, but I fear how it would
look. I don’t relish attention, and I fear it
would attract some, if not violence. Is that just
in my head? I’d like to think so. I don’t like
having to censor myself.
Choosing to don a skirt would likely paral
lel every step o f the coming out process. At
first it would seem overwhelming and peril
ous. My initial try would be an out-of-body
experience, and eventually it would become
the new normal. ~
Except that it’s hard to imagine this ever
feeling normal, simply because I don’t see
anyone else doing it. You don’t know me, but
rest assured, I’m not a trendsetter, and I don’t
believe I ’m on to the next fad here. Would I
want to be the only one doing something just
because I liked it?
Yes, as strange as it sounds to me. I remem
ber when I lived in Berkeley, a guy walked
around downtown a lot sporting a business
style haircut and wire-rim glasses, a tight
white T-shirt, m ini-skirt and women’s pumps.
I thought he was the weirdest thing I’d ever
seen.
I hope he didn’t agree. J#]
attended, there wasn’t a skirt to be seen.
“Well, maybe wearing a skirt isn’t androgy
of fabric; culturally, it signifies
nous,” I think. Maybe. But I wear a scarf on
something, and signifies it so
my head, women’s sweaters and jewelry. W hy
is a skirt a divide?
strongly it stops me in my tracks.
This is where culture is so tricky. Objec
example, tonight I’m going dancing, and it tively, a skirt is a piece o f fabric; culturally, it
would be fun to wear a skirt. O r rather, it signifies something, and signifies it so strongly
would be fun if my mind didn't race at the it stops me in my tracks. I don’t have to let it,
but I do, because I don’t want to give up what
mere suggestion of it.
“A skirt? But I’m not becoming a woman. I think not wearing a skirt in public gives me.
Plus, it would look weird. Also, I don’t want to
In my twenties I wore skirts, but only when I
get my ass kicked. Besides, what would it was in drag: wig, makeup, breasts, etc. In public
mean}”That last question comes up a lot.
I was androgynous: I wore men’s and women’s
If I’m a biological male, and not currently clothes, had long hair and painted my nails, but
trying to pass as anything different, what would the skirts were the dividing line again.
it mean for me to wear a skirt in public? I hate
To wear a skirt or a dress I thought I need
that question. I’d prefer it simply mean I like ed “permission,” and that meant turning my
wearing skirts, but my thoughts don’t stop self into a girl. I had lots of rules about it— or
there. Part of me wants to know why I like maybe I just said I did. I went out in drag to
wearing skirts, and its conclusions aren’t kind.
clubs, but also to parties and on dates. No
“Is it because I look down on myself?” I matter what the situation, I felt shame about
wonder. “Because wearing a skirt is like . . . it in retrospect.
abdicating my status.” I wish I could say th at’s
Is it because o f the bargain I made, “You
all in my head, but my eyes tell a different can wear a skirt if you’re not you”? Perhaps, M ik k i G illette is a journalist and author.
story. At the last transwoman support group I but there’s a part o f me that rushed toward Visit zer blog at leelaginelle.com.
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