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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (May 20, 2011)
3 8 •voices’ MAY 20,2011 WWW.JUSTOUT.COM The Right of Way is To Be Given & Not Taken friend, here are some things to keep in mind so this doesn’t happen again. You can always just ask the question. Maybe don’t make it the first question. Find out her name and favorite color first. But there’s not much hotter than a round of sexy 20 questions when you’re getting to know somebody. Remember, just because someone wears car go shorts and ball caps doesn’t mean they’re going to be a top. That sexual dynamic doesn’t seem to follow traditional gender roles very much at all. If your girl is packing, however, you might take that as a pretty clear indication that she’s at least willing to top. Here’s a little trick a teacher friend taught me: I f you’d like a hint as to whether someone is a top or a bottom, consider what they do all day. If, for instance, they are a lawyer, chances are they’re a bottom. Likewise for professions that require the person to be in control at all times; these people are going to want to sur render like nobody’s business. If, however, they have a job where they have very little control, such as a teacher or a social worker, they are likely to want as much as they can get in the bedroom. Have fun with that. J0] I recently found myself dating, after ■ a long time single. I went on several dates with a woman whom I really enjoyed. We eventually got around to going hack to her place, hut when we climbed into bed, we hit a snag: Were both tops. Now I'm afraid to go out with her again. It’s just awkward. What do I do about this? I low do 1 make sure it doesn’t happen again? Q , Oh, friend. My condolences. I think ■ most of us have been there in one way or another. Here’s the thing: If you’re both really 100 percent toppy-top-tops, I’m guessing your first night together looked like an awkward wres tling match. I hope nobody poked an eye out. If that’s the case, I’m not sure what to tell you. I’d love to say that you can work it out, but it’s possible you can’t. If one person really wants to be the giver, and not the receiver, that means the other has to be okay never giving—a chal lenge in and of itself. But if you’ve got two people intent on being in control, that’s a hard dynamic to overcome. It’s the same on the other side, too. I had a girlfriend whom I loved very much and found sexy as hell, but after the initial screw-likc- bunnies phase of our relationship, we spent years lying next to each other waiting for the A i that she’s in the same position emotionally, as well as sexually. I remember the first time I was introduced to the concept o f “top/bottom ” dynamics. I was 19 and working for the National Gay and Les bian Task Force. I was assigned to monitor the S&M conference room at the national conven tion. A middle-aged furry boy in leather chaps, other person to make the first move. That vest, collar and hat sat down next to me to tell pretty much sucks. It might have been because me that he believed his community deserved a place in our acronym. we were both stubborn lawyers, but still... “It should really be GLBTSM , because the If, however, you both simply tend toward top, it’s possible you just need to talk this out. most important thing when I go to find a part It might be that one or both of you top by de ner is whether you’re a top or a bottom. That’s fault. Maybe you’re really good at giving plea it. If we’re not compatible that way, it’ll never sure, so that’s what your role has always been. work.” My eyes were thrown wide open that O r maybe you really like to be in control be day like they had a leaf blower aimed at them. cause of past, negative sexual experiences. I started thinking about it. W hich was I? This could be a really great opportunity to It turned out, I was both. Then it turned out explore what it’s like to be the sexual receiver I was one. Then I was the other. Now I’m both from someone who knows what she’s doing. again. All that is to say, there might be hope I’m not saying to change who you are funda for you. It’s not black and white for most o f us. mentally, or not be your authentic self. Just see But if it doesn’t work with your new lady, move if you’re interested in trying on a new hat, or along. Make her your wingman, and hit some pillow or whatever. Then have a conversation singles events. K ristin F lickinger gives and receives regu about it as openly as you can. You might find W hile you’re picking out your next girl larly at askthegay.com. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 -------- ------- I TAUGHT THAT KID EVERYTHING HE KNOWS l L i A. 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