3 8
•voices’
MAY 20,2011
WWW.JUSTOUT.COM
The Right of Way is To Be Given & Not Taken
friend, here are some things to keep in mind so
this doesn’t happen again.
You can always just ask the question. Maybe
don’t make it the first question. Find out her
name and favorite color first. But there’s not
much hotter than a round of sexy 20 questions
when you’re getting to know somebody.
Remember, just because someone wears car
go shorts and ball caps doesn’t mean they’re
going to be a top. That sexual dynamic doesn’t
seem to follow traditional gender roles very
much at all. If your girl is packing, however,
you might take that as a pretty clear indication
that she’s at least willing to top.
Here’s a little trick a teacher friend taught
me: I f you’d like a hint as to whether someone
is a top or a bottom, consider what they do all
day. If, for instance, they are a lawyer, chances
are they’re a bottom. Likewise for professions
that require the person to be in control at all
times; these people are going to want to sur
render like nobody’s business. If, however, they
have a job where they have very little control,
such as a teacher or a social worker, they are
likely to want as much as they can get in the
bedroom.
Have fun with that. J0]
I recently found myself dating, after
■ a long time single. I went on several
dates with a woman whom I really enjoyed.
We eventually got around to going hack to
her place, hut when we climbed into bed, we
hit a snag: Were both tops. Now I'm afraid
to go out with her again. It’s just awkward.
What do I do about this? I low do 1 make
sure it doesn’t happen again?
Q
, Oh, friend. My condolences. I think
■ most of us have been there in one way
or another.
Here’s the thing: If you’re both really 100
percent toppy-top-tops, I’m guessing your first
night together looked like an awkward wres
tling match. I hope nobody poked an eye out.
If that’s the case, I’m not sure what to tell you.
I’d love to say that you can work it out, but it’s
possible you can’t. If one person really wants to
be the giver, and not the receiver, that means
the other has to be okay never giving—a chal
lenge in and of itself. But if you’ve got two
people intent on being in control, that’s a hard
dynamic to overcome.
It’s the same on the other side, too. I had a
girlfriend whom I loved very much and found
sexy as hell, but after the initial screw-likc-
bunnies phase of our relationship, we spent
years lying next to each other waiting for the
A
i
that she’s in the same position emotionally, as
well as sexually.
I remember the first time I was introduced
to the concept o f “top/bottom ” dynamics. I was
19 and working for the National Gay and Les
bian Task Force. I was assigned to monitor the
S&M conference room at the national conven
tion. A middle-aged furry boy in leather chaps,
other person to make the first move. That vest, collar and hat sat down next to me to tell
pretty much sucks. It might have been because me that he believed his community deserved a
place in our acronym.
we were both stubborn lawyers, but still...
“It should really be GLBTSM , because the
If, however, you both simply tend toward
top, it’s possible you just need to talk this out. most important thing when I go to find a part
It might be that one or both of you top by de ner is whether you’re a top or a bottom. That’s
fault. Maybe you’re really good at giving plea it. If we’re not compatible that way, it’ll never
sure, so that’s what your role has always been. work.” My eyes were thrown wide open that
O r maybe you really like to be in control be day like they had a leaf blower aimed at them.
cause of past, negative sexual experiences.
I started thinking about it. W hich was I?
This could be a really great opportunity to
It turned out, I was both. Then it turned out
explore what it’s like to be the sexual receiver I was one. Then I was the other. Now I’m both
from someone who knows what she’s doing. again. All that is to say, there might be hope
I’m not saying to change who you are funda for you. It’s not black and white for most o f us.
mentally, or not be your authentic self. Just see But if it doesn’t work with your new lady, move
if you’re interested in trying on a new hat, or along. Make her your wingman, and hit some
pillow or whatever. Then have a conversation singles events.
K ristin F lickinger gives and receives regu
about it as openly as you can. You might find
W hile you’re picking out your next girl larly at askthegay.com.
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