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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (April 15, 2011)
voices- En Femme, How Homme? jfr j] 3 4 WWW.JUSTOUT.COM APRIL 15.201) W hat does genderqueer mean? I don’t have an exact definition, but I’ve been returning to the idea again and again. W hat if the thought of being either a “man” or a “woman” is incom plete for me? W hat if our binary gender system is just a construct, a concept that everyone ad heres to but that isn’t inclusive enough for all o f our expressions? To me, it’s catchy. W hen I started this transition, I assumed I wanted to become female. I had so much feminine energy in me that had been held down so long, when it released it was like a geyser. Nothing was girly enough. As time’s gone on, though, I’ve realized there’s some thing innately masculine to myself, and it’s not going away, which is fine. The problem is, I hate those gender words. Male and female. Masculine and feminine. Those terms have always divided me, and as with any division, rivalries and conflicts have arisen. W hen I wear a dress, a part of me says, “W hat are you doing? You’re a man.” W hen I wear khakis and a dress shirt, another part sighs, “This is so boring. W here’s the woman?” Are they really different parts, though? I don’t want to believe it. I’d like to think time and my spirit can help to integrate me. That’s why the genderqueer idea is attractive. I went to a trans support group a few weeks ago, and a participant said, “If I put a label on from half a life to whole BY LEELA GINELLE The thought of letting my true self haps alienate people in my life. The real fear seems deeper, though. out scares me. I can see rational W hat is it about? I’m tempted to say the reasons for my fear: My choice of incest, but I don’t believe th at’s it. It seems more personal than that. I think it’s about clothes could limit my employment seeing myself. I’ve been divided my whole life. possibilities and perhaps alienate From fear and perceived necessity, I compart mentalized myself. Certain realms were “male” people in my life. and others were “female.” myself, I’m giving society the power to vali In that way, it was natural when I was com date or invalidate me. If I say I’m a woman, ing out to assume I’d change one name, one and someone else doesn’t recognize me that wardrobe and one life for another. As I did this, way, then that person has the power over my though, I saw a growing self-hatred emerge. identity.” My hands, my beard, my voice— all o f them At the time I was still super femme-y, and seemed wrong. Likewise, when I uncorked my not relating very personally to what was said. femininity, I dropped everything that had been A chord was struck inside me, though, and I o f interest to me before, as though my entire haven’t forgotten zis words. A few days later I life to that point had been a falsehood. prayed to be freed of the desire to control my After the prayer, those thoughts receded gender and its expression. and a new picture emerged, one both mascu That was a frightening prayer. I associate line and feminine. It feels more balanced and my gender with sexuality, and I associate sex authentic, but it’s still rooted in those words. uality with danger. The thought of letting my W hat is it that bothers me about them? true self out scares me. I can see rational rea W hen I read writings by transgender wom L eela G inelle authored the plays En Femme: sons for my fear: My choice of clothes could en, I notice what I perceive as a fetishizing of A Transgender Journey and Suede: A Transi limit my employment possibilities and per their female personas. W hen they talk about tion Story. Visit zer blog at leelaginelle.com. i-------------------------------------------------------------- K appearing in public uen femme” there’s an illicit thrill to their descriptions, as if they’re re counting having done something nasty or forbidden. I’ve known that feeling all my life, and I’d like to drop it. The place to start seems to be within me. W hen I identify my actions as female, it’s like I’m taunting what I see as the male side of myself, telling it, “I know you don’t like this and I don’t care, I’m having fun.” W hen the tables turn and I return to my male persona, it’s as though I’m exacting revenge. “Now you’re locked away,” I seem to tell the female. “You’re no threat to me anymore.” W hat if the two coexisted? Better still, what if there were no “two,” but just me? The idea frightens me, but it may be just a linger ing fear, part o f the “If people knew my se cre t...” tape that used to run in my head. Could unity exist in me? That’s w hat’s attractive about the gender queer idea. It seems to say, “Be yourself.” If you’d like to wear something, wear it. If you want to change your body, go ahead. If you want to write in “None of the Above” on the gender box, th at’s your prerogative. W ith that type of freedom, I feel a permis sion to see myself for the first time and, al though it’s a little shocking, I like w hat’s looking back. J0] ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 THE JENN-AIR® COOKING AND REFRIGERATION EVENT January 1-April 30. 2011 H U R R Y ! T IM E IS R U N N IN G OUT! Receive up to a MasterCard Prepaid Card by mail with purchase of select Jenn-Air appliances’ During the Fire & Ice event, you have the opportunity to bring superior craftsmanship and premium styling to your kitchen. 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