voices-
En Femme, How Homme?
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WWW.JUSTOUT.COM
APRIL 15.201)
W hat does genderqueer mean? I don’t have
an exact definition, but I’ve been returning to
the idea again and again. W hat if the thought
of being either a “man” or a “woman” is incom
plete for me? W hat if our binary gender system
is just a construct, a concept that everyone ad
heres to but that isn’t inclusive enough for all
o f our expressions? To me, it’s catchy.
W hen I started this transition, I assumed I
wanted to become female. I had so much
feminine energy in me that had been held
down so long, when it released it was like a
geyser. Nothing was girly enough. As time’s
gone on, though, I’ve realized there’s some
thing innately masculine to myself, and it’s
not going away, which is fine. The problem is,
I hate those gender words.
Male and female. Masculine and feminine.
Those terms have always divided me, and as
with any division, rivalries and conflicts have
arisen. W hen I wear a dress, a part of me says,
“W hat are you doing? You’re a man.” W hen I
wear khakis and a dress shirt, another part
sighs, “This is so boring. W here’s the woman?”
Are they really different parts, though? I
don’t want to believe it. I’d like to think time
and my spirit can help to integrate me. That’s
why the genderqueer idea is attractive.
I went to a trans support group a few weeks
ago, and a participant said, “If I put a label on
from half a life to whole
BY LEELA GINELLE
The thought of letting my true self
haps alienate people in my life. The real fear
seems deeper, though.
out scares me. I can see rational
W hat is it about? I’m tempted to say the
reasons for my fear: My choice of
incest, but I don’t believe th at’s it. It seems
more personal than that. I think it’s about
clothes could limit my employment
seeing myself. I’ve been divided my whole life.
possibilities and perhaps alienate
From fear and perceived necessity, I compart
mentalized myself. Certain realms were “male”
people in my life.
and others were “female.”
myself, I’m giving society the power to vali
In that way, it was natural when I was com
date or invalidate me. If I say I’m a woman, ing out to assume I’d change one name, one
and someone else doesn’t recognize me that wardrobe and one life for another. As I did this,
way, then that person has the power over my though, I saw a growing self-hatred emerge.
identity.”
My hands, my beard, my voice— all o f them
At the time I was still super femme-y, and seemed wrong. Likewise, when I uncorked my
not relating very personally to what was said. femininity, I dropped everything that had been
A chord was struck inside me, though, and I o f interest to me before, as though my entire
haven’t forgotten zis words. A few days later I life to that point had been a falsehood.
prayed to be freed of the desire to control my
After the prayer, those thoughts receded
gender and its expression.
and a new picture emerged, one both mascu
That was a frightening prayer. I associate line and feminine. It feels more balanced and
my gender with sexuality, and I associate sex authentic, but it’s still rooted in those words.
uality with danger. The thought of letting my W hat is it that bothers me about them?
true self out scares me. I can see rational rea
W hen I read writings by transgender wom L eela G inelle authored the plays En Femme:
sons for my fear: My choice of clothes could en, I notice what I perceive as a fetishizing of A Transgender Journey and Suede: A Transi
limit my employment possibilities and per their female personas. W hen they talk about tion Story. Visit zer blog at leelaginelle.com.
i--------------------------------------------------------------
K
appearing in public uen femme” there’s an illicit
thrill to their descriptions, as if they’re re
counting having done something nasty or
forbidden. I’ve known that feeling all my life,
and I’d like to drop it.
The place to start seems to be within me.
W hen I identify my actions as female, it’s like
I’m taunting what I see as the male side of
myself, telling it, “I know you don’t like this
and I don’t care, I’m having fun.” W hen the
tables turn and I return to my male persona,
it’s as though I’m exacting revenge. “Now
you’re locked away,” I seem to tell the female.
“You’re no threat to me anymore.”
W hat if the two coexisted? Better still,
what if there were no “two,” but just me? The
idea frightens me, but it may be just a linger
ing fear, part o f the “If people knew my se
cre t...” tape that used to run in my head.
Could unity exist in me?
That’s w hat’s attractive about the gender
queer idea. It seems to say, “Be yourself.” If
you’d like to wear something, wear it. If you
want to change your body, go ahead. If you
want to write in “None of the Above” on the
gender box, th at’s your prerogative.
W ith that type of freedom, I feel a permis
sion to see myself for the first time and, al
though it’s a little shocking, I like w hat’s
looking back. J0]
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