Image provided by: University of Oregon Libraries; Eugene, OR
About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Feb. 18, 2011)
voices Coming Out Is Hard When You Don’t Know There’s A Closet IT J OREGON S LGBTO NEWSMAGAZINE I often receive questions from people about the transition from identifying as straight to identifying as gay. W hether it’s the 55-year-old guy who suddenly finds himself looking at the men in his adult videos or the married woman wondering if she’s gay, such in-between places can be uncomfortable for those involved. I try to take these questions with extreme gentleness. These are the times when allies can be made or broken. For example, I re ceived a question from a man who had been married to a woman for 26 years when she fell in love with another woman. He never had a clue she was gay. 1 le bravely asked, "Is it common for lesbians to build long-term rela tionships with straight men? Do they do it to have kids and then leave? 1 know I should ask her—but there is still tension about the split. ’ That’s not unheard of—I mean, it was an Oprah special. But it’s still tough. In response: There’s no chapter in the les bian playbook about how to snare a straight man tor the purposes o f procreating. I.esbians are a practical people. It would be much easier to go to the sperm bank. Truly, some women aren’t aware they are lesbian or bisexual until they meet a woman who rocks their world and their understand ing of attraction. It can be a total surprise to i-------------------------------------------------------------- ' ;• vi, - B Y K R IS T IN F L IC K IN G E R FEBRUARY 18, 2011 33_JS that it would be easier to fit in. Books, movies, TV shows, magazines, cocktail parties, co workers, all point to the “normal” straight re lationships that are the generally assumed goal. Sometimes the idea o f trying to live that dream can be enough to convince people who would otherwise live as gay to push down the essence of who they are to try to be “normal.” Having a shot at a patently accepted life with someone you love— especially someone who is your best friend— can be tempting, even if you know you’re not attracted to them. But society is changing. And that means that lesbians who have in the past chosen to try to live a straight life now dwell in a more accepting society. And that can allow all o f us the beautiful freedom to live our lives fully and honestly. For the women who find them selves in inauthentic relationships with men, however, the transition can be painful for them and tor their partners. I’m grateful the current generation will suffer less of these painful transitions as they are able to be themselves more fully from the beginning. It’s an incredibly hard thing to be yourself when you’re gay— but it’s even harder not to. In the end, who we are will always come to the surface. W hen you’re able to talk with your ex about the whats and whys, you may find that when she married you, she married her best friend. And nobody wants to hurt their best f riend. JM « where the idea o f being in a committed rela tionship with another woman wasn’t an impos sible one. It was often presented as “not what I’d want for my daughter, but at least it’s love.” Still, I remember being in high school and deciding not to be gav— looking at my guy friends and making a list o f whom I could most stand to spend my life with, knowing I’d never be attracted to them. I wasn’t thinking about building a strategic relationship. I was both them and their partners. Some women thinking that I liked them — loved them, think it’s normal to not want to kiss a male even— and that I’d be able to make it work. partner or be neutral about, even “grossed o u t” Ihev weren’t some suckers I thought 1 could by sex with a man. It may sound crazy, but dupe. They were loving, beautiful men whose I’ve heard it described by “straight” friends. friendship was strong enough that I thought Some women are willing to ignore the fact I could have a lifelong emotional relationship that they are gay in order to try to live the with them — even though I was in a long-term white-picket-fence dream of having a familv relationship with a woman at the time. and a husband and a home. It's the dream I he generation older than mine grew up in we re taught and the default we start with. a very different world, one where the idea of After all, most o f our parents are straight. two women living together was a near impos I believe there are generational things go sibility reserved for spinster sisters or widows. ing on as well. Relationships between women were hidden, Generally speaking, my generation of lesbi deviant. Gay sex was illegal in many states. K ristin F lickingf . r also offers guidance to ans (thirtyish) grew up in a shifting society, Nearly everything around us still screams lesbians-in-training a t askthegay.com. * X Voted Willamette Week's TOP 100 NEW S E A S O N S —1 1 m &ÜA t $N K t - «n*n w w w .b e l l y r e s ta u r a n t .c o m NE Fremont 6c MLK | BOX * 503.249.9764 happy hour * Sunday brunch • dinner 503.285.5490 atomic-pizza.com 2150 N. Killingsworth St., Portland, OR 97217 Tue. - Sat.: 11 a m - 9 p m , Sun.: 4 pm - 9 pm , Mon. Closed. * P ¿fa ¥> Y] o 4 6 3 5 SE Hawthorne Blvd 5 0 3 .9 5 4 .3 1 3 3 3 5 2 4 N. Mississippi Ave 5 0 3 .4 6 7 .4 1 4 9 C A F F E m M I N G 0 SIMPLE ITALIAN COOKING dinner 7 nights a week porqueno-tacoa.com 807 NW Twenty First • Portland 503.226.4646
