voices
Coming Out Is Hard When You
Don’t Know There’s A Closet
IT J
OREGON S LGBTO NEWSMAGAZINE
I often receive questions from people about
the transition from identifying as straight to
identifying as gay. W hether it’s the 55-year-old
guy who suddenly finds himself looking at the
men in his adult videos or the married woman
wondering if she’s gay, such in-between places
can be uncomfortable for those involved.
I try to take these questions with extreme
gentleness. These are the times when allies
can be made or broken. For example, I re
ceived a question from a man who had been
married to a woman for 26 years when she
fell in love with another woman. He never
had a clue she was gay. 1 le bravely asked, "Is it
common for lesbians to build long-term rela
tionships with straight men? Do they do it to
have kids and then leave? 1 know I should ask
her—but there is still tension about the split. ’
That’s not unheard of—I mean, it was an
Oprah special. But it’s still tough.
In response: There’s no chapter in the les
bian playbook about how to snare a straight
man tor the purposes o f procreating. I.esbians
are a practical people. It would be much easier
to go to the sperm bank.
Truly, some women aren’t aware they are
lesbian or bisexual until they meet a woman
who rocks their world and their understand
ing of attraction. It can be a total surprise to
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B Y K R IS T IN
F L IC K IN G E R
FEBRUARY 18, 2011
33_JS
that it would be easier to fit in. Books, movies,
TV shows, magazines, cocktail parties, co
workers, all point to the “normal” straight re
lationships that are the generally assumed
goal. Sometimes the idea o f trying to live that
dream can be enough to convince people who
would otherwise live as gay to push down the
essence of who they are to try to be “normal.”
Having a shot at a patently accepted life with
someone you love— especially someone who
is your best friend— can be tempting, even if
you know you’re not attracted to them.
But society is changing. And that means
that lesbians who have in the past chosen to
try to live a straight life now dwell in a more
accepting society. And that can allow all o f us
the beautiful freedom to live our lives fully
and honestly. For the women who find them
selves in inauthentic relationships with men,
however, the transition can be painful for
them and tor their partners. I’m grateful the
current generation will suffer less of these
painful transitions as they are able to be
themselves more fully from the beginning.
It’s an incredibly hard thing to be yourself
when you’re gay— but it’s even harder not to.
In the end, who we are will always come to
the surface. W hen you’re able to talk with
your ex about the whats and whys, you may
find that when she married you, she married
her best friend. And nobody wants to hurt
their best f riend. JM
«
where the idea o f being in a committed rela
tionship with another woman wasn’t an impos
sible one. It was often presented as “not what
I’d want for my daughter, but at least it’s love.”
Still, I remember being in high school and
deciding not to be gav— looking at my guy
friends and making a list o f whom I could
most stand to spend my life with, knowing I’d
never be attracted to them. I wasn’t thinking
about building a strategic relationship. I was
both them and their partners. Some women thinking that I liked them — loved them,
think it’s normal to not want to kiss a male even— and that I’d be able to make it work.
partner or be neutral about, even “grossed o u t” Ihev weren’t some suckers I thought 1 could
by sex with a man. It may sound crazy, but dupe. They were loving, beautiful men whose
I’ve heard it described by “straight” friends.
friendship was strong enough that I thought
Some women are willing to ignore the fact I could have a lifelong emotional relationship
that they are gay in order to try to live the with them — even though I was in a long-term
white-picket-fence dream of having a familv relationship with a woman at the time.
and a husband and a home. It's the dream
I he generation older than mine grew up in
we re taught and the default we start with. a very different world, one where the idea of
After all, most o f our parents are straight.
two women living together was a near impos
I believe there are generational things go sibility reserved for spinster sisters or widows.
ing on as well.
Relationships between women were hidden,
Generally speaking, my generation of lesbi deviant. Gay sex was illegal in many states.
K ristin F lickingf . r also offers guidance to
ans (thirtyish) grew up in a shifting society,
Nearly everything around us still screams lesbians-in-training a t askthegay.com.
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