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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Jan. 7, 2011)
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G R E E L E Y A V E . www.justout.com JUST OUT RESEFTVES THE RIGHT TO REJECT OR EDIT ANY ADVERTISEMENT THAT MAY BE DEMEANING OR OFFENSIVE TO OUR READERS. “GAY? NO WAY!” SHOULD I CONFRONT MY HOMOPHOBIC. REPRESSED COUSIN? ments, which make both my partner and me uncomfortable? I really do want to keep the relationship, since most of my family is dead. W hat’s your advice? —Joan D ear M s . B ehavior : M y girlfriend and I have reconnected with a 40-year-old cousin of mine whom I haven’t seen in ages. Jason has moved to my neighbor hood and is a decent guy. The problem we have is that he makes vaguely homophobic state ments, about one per evening that we spend together. He also makes sure everyone knows (since he’s always single) that he’s not gay. He invited us to his new place last week, and the walls are covered in vintage homo erotic art. Though it isn’t porn, it is unmis takably gay in its undertones—e.g. shirtless muscle-bound men all pushing a car or fix ing an airplane together. I spent a long time looking at the prints. Jason noticed and said, “Those were the days, when men were men and a great value was placed on male bud dies.” Male buddies? I think we should clue Jason in; he’s probably a gay man and doesn’t know it! Do you think it’s okay for us to connect this fact to his homophobic com- D ear J oan : ...tho walls are covered in vintage homoerotic art. Though it isn't porn, it is unmistakably gay in its undertones—e.g. shirtless muscle-bound men all pushing a cor or fixing an. airplane together. ... Mole buddies? I think we should clue Jason in; h e ’s probably a gay man and doesn’t know it! Your cousin may actually believe that his interest in male friendship is totally non- sexual. Whether it’s roping horses together in a meadow or lifting weights at the gym, strenuous grunting and appreciation of each other’s glistening muscles are indeed part of the ritual of man-on-man attachment. For certain people, such bonding activities may be a prelude to sex; for others, the desire for physical touch remains hidden under the veil of “Male Friendship.” Touching is often only sanctioned during pastimes such as fix ing things together, contact sports and other forms of costumed frottage. You can and should address Jason’s overt homophobia and tell him that his comments make you and your partner ill at ease. Oth erwise it may seem that his remarks are okay with you. Relentlessly “tsking” at his deroga tory comments may help him catch on. (If such subtlety doesn’t work, you may need to try ad-‘~ ministering a small shock with a cattle prod). Suggesting that Jason needs to recognize his own buried gay impulses, based on his artwork, will he fruitless. It would only alienate him, at least at this early point in your reconnection, particularly if he’s as repressed as he seems. Right now, all you can do is share your own lives with him, take him to a gay fete once in a while, and hope that when he awakens to his desire for tea-bagging you’ll be the first to know. \ M eryl Cohn is the author o f Do What I Say: Ms. Behavior’s Guide to Gay and Lesbian Etiquette. Send questions or correspondence to mshehavior^aol. com.
