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“GAY? NO WAY!” SHOULD I CONFRONT MY HOMOPHOBIC. REPRESSED COUSIN?
ments, which make both my partner and me
uncomfortable? I really do want to keep the
relationship, since most of my family is dead.
W hat’s your advice?
—Joan
D ear M s . B ehavior :
M y girlfriend and I have reconnected with
a 40-year-old cousin of mine whom I haven’t
seen in ages. Jason has moved to my neighbor
hood and is a decent guy. The problem we have
is that he makes vaguely homophobic state
ments, about one per evening that we spend
together. He also makes sure everyone knows
(since he’s always single) that he’s not gay.
He invited us to his new place last week,
and the walls are covered in vintage homo
erotic art. Though it isn’t porn, it is unmis
takably gay in its undertones—e.g. shirtless
muscle-bound men all pushing a car or fix
ing an airplane together. I spent a long time
looking at the prints. Jason noticed and said,
“Those were the days, when men were men
and a great value was placed on male bud
dies.” Male buddies? I think we should clue
Jason in; he’s probably a gay man and doesn’t
know it! Do you think it’s okay for us to
connect this fact to his homophobic com-
D ear J oan :
...tho walls are covered in
vintage homoerotic art.
Though it isn't porn, it is
unmistakably gay in its
undertones—e.g. shirtless
muscle-bound men all
pushing a cor or fixing an.
airplane together. ... Mole
buddies? I think we should
clue Jason in; h e ’s probably
a gay man and doesn’t
know it!
Your cousin may actually believe that his
interest in male friendship is totally non-
sexual. Whether it’s roping horses together
in a meadow or lifting weights at the gym,
strenuous grunting and appreciation of each
other’s glistening muscles are indeed part of
the ritual of man-on-man attachment. For
certain people, such bonding activities may
be a prelude to sex; for others, the desire for
physical touch remains hidden under the
veil of “Male Friendship.” Touching is often
only sanctioned during pastimes such as fix
ing things together, contact sports and other
forms of costumed frottage.
You can and should address Jason’s overt
homophobia and tell him that his comments
make you and your partner ill at ease. Oth
erwise it may seem that his remarks are okay
with you. Relentlessly “tsking” at his deroga
tory comments may help him catch on. (If such
subtlety doesn’t work, you may need to try ad-‘~
ministering a small shock with a cattle prod).
Suggesting that Jason needs to recognize his
own buried gay impulses, based on his artwork,
will he fruitless. It would only alienate him, at
least at this early point in your reconnection,
particularly if he’s as repressed as he seems.
Right now, all you can do is share your own lives
with him, take him to a gay fete once in a while,
and hope that when he awakens to his desire
for tea-bagging you’ll be the first to know.
\
M eryl Cohn is the author o f Do What I Say:
Ms. Behavior’s Guide to Gay and Lesbian
Etiquette. Send questions or correspondence to
mshehavior^aol. com.