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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Aug. 7, 2009)
OREGON S GAY/LESBIAN/BI/TRANS NEWSMAGAZINE AUGUST 7 2009 A L W Revealing His Scars Needn't Be a Heavy Matter D ear M s . B ehavior : I’m a 41-year-old gay man who used to weigh nearly 400 lbs— not an easy way to live within gay male culture— and now I weigh 198.1 lost it naturally (without gastric bypass), but after the huge weight loss, I was left with extra hanging skin. I had to have several cos metic surgeries, including a tummy tuck and procedures to remove extra skin from my arms, my thighs, and even my face. After years of solitary misery, I am finally interested in having a relationship. However, I’m scared and need advice. If I’m out on a date and it’s going well, should I warn him about my scars (across my middle, under my nipples, on my arms, thighs, and behind my ears) before taking my shirt off? How about my pants? My friends say I should, but won’t that just put the guy off? - Former Fatty D ear F ormer F atty : There’s no need to waste your date’s perfect ly good boner by issuing a warning about your scars. And if you’re thinking you should pre empt the action with a confession even earlier, think again. If you mention your surgery over dinner, you’re risking pre-empting your im pending frottage by frightening your date into envisioning something far more dramatic than what you actually have. someone will love you for your scars and for your former-flabby essence. You used your immense strength of character to lose all that weight and change your life; that says some thing really important about who you are. Now it’s just a matter o f skimming through the fat (in the dating world), to find that person. Granted, if you had something commu nicable, you’d need to share the information before getting naked. Your scars, however, are your own. Your date may notice them, but he’s unlikely to either catch them or to freak out. By the time a human is in his or her 40s, a lot has happened to the body. Your case may be more extreme than most, but despite what the perfect-looking actors on Desperate Housewives would have you believe, most people your age have begun to experience their share of bruises, breaks, illnesses, surgeries, and general physi cal distress— if not warts and herpes—or the effects of emotional battle scars, like having endured numerous break-ups and deaths. Wow. This is beginning to sound grim—but it’s not. The point is that while shallow people do populate the universe, you’re not seeking a shallow person for a relationship. You’re seek ing someone who isn’t all about perfect pecs and glutes of steel. Ms. Behavior doesn’t mean to sound all Mary Poppins about it, but the truth is that D ear Ms. B ehavior : Six months ago, my friend Sally was dumped by her partner of 20 years, Joy. Sally has been a total sloppy mess, crying in my liv ing room everyday. The worst part is that Joy left Sally for another friend of ours (Monica), who left her girlfriend, too. However, 20 years is a long time; now Joy is coming back around to try to patch things up with Sally, and Sally is willing to take her back. It’s good to see Sally smile, but it’s sad that she’s so easily won back by Joy the Cheater. Sally has made only one demand of Joy, which is that she stop seeing Monica immediately. All seemed okay until yesterday, when I got a phone call from Monica, who is distraught that Joy is going back to Sally. In a moment of panic and sorrow, Monica told me that she and Joy still see each other once a week and have sex. I don’t know what to do with the information. Monica probably wants me to tell Sally, so that Sally will end her reunion with Joy, and come back to her (Monica). Should I tell Sally? Should I keep it to myself? Help! - Confused D ear C onfused : You and your gaggle of friends don’t do much to contradict the notion of Lesbian Drama, do you? Ms. Behavior normally advises her read ers to stay far away from these domestic dis putes, and to avoid, at all costs, being a snitch. However, your allegiance in this instance is so clearly to Sally that it seems you really must inform her, regardless of the consequences. Not telling your very close friend this news would be a far bigger betrayal (and risk to your friend ship) than telling her. She may, of course, be upset with you— they don’t call it “killing the messenger” for nothing— but hopefully she’ll ultimately view your gesture as protective. More advice: See if you can find a stable friend or two, who don’t engage in the high art of dyke drama. M eryl C ohn is the author of Do What I Say: Ms. Behavior’s Guide to Gay and Lesbian Etiquette. Signed copies are available directly from the author. Send questions or correspondence to msbehavior@aol.com. OUTREACH »AIDS 8 HIV CAREAssist pays for health insurance premiums, prescrip tion drugs and insurance.plan co-payments and deductibles for eligible people with HIV/AIDS Program of the Oregon Department of Human Services and the Ryan White CARE Act. (8 am-5 pm Monday-Friday. 503-731-9029 or 800-805-2313. www healthoregon org.) CASCADE AIDS PROJECT (CAP) educates youth and adults about HIV prevention, supports people with HIV and their families and advocates for sound HIV policy and legislation on the national, state and local levels Spanish- language assistance available (Suite 300. 620 SW Fifth Ave 503-223-5907. Oregon AIDS Hotline 800-777-2937.) CITYGUYS hosts monthly HIV testing nights at The Escape and Steam: provides free risk reduction counseling, condoms and lube: and offers free rapid HIV testing and STD screening at the Men s Wellness Center (5-9pm Tuesdays and llam-2pm Wednesdays for HIV/STD and 5-9pm Saturdays for HIV only). 928 SW Stark St.. 503-995-7699. cityguys@cascadeaids.org CLACKAMAS COUNTY COMMUNITY HEALTH IN OREGON CITY offers anonymous and confidential HIV test ing and counseling for gay and bisexual men No needles! Free condoms! Call for appointment or walk-in testing times (3:30-6:30 pm Tuesday. 1925 Beavercreek Road Clinic: 503-655-8971. Information: 503-792-53 8 2.) CLARK COUNTY offers free rapid HIV testing and hepati tis A and B vaccinations to men who have sex with men in Vancouver. Wash. (5-6:30 pm Thursday 3701 E Fourth Plain Blvd 360 397-8098 ) COLUMBIA COUNTY PUBLIC HEALTH offers anonymous and confidential HIV testing, counseling and case manage ment to anyone Se habla espahol. We lend HIV books and videos and offer educational materials and free condoms. (503-397-9651 or 800-299-9870.) DAILY BREAD EXPRESS provides home delivery of high- quality meals to HIV-positive individuals in need Fresh meals delivered weekdays, frozen meals for weekends. Volunteers invited to inquire anytime. (Mara 503-960-3822.) ESTHER'S PANTRY in Milwaukie provides food and per sonal care items to people with HIV/AIDS Call to donate or for services (503-399-9699 www ourhouseofportland org/programs/estherspantry.) FUZEON INFORMATION GROUP welcomes people contemplating, using or caregiving for Fuzeon recipients. Facilitated by experienced patients, nurses and social work ers. (5:30-7 pm second Wednesday. 5525 SE Milwaukie Ave RSVP to Julia 503-230-1202. ext. 235. www ohsu edu/partner- ship/fuzeon html HEALTH. EDUCATION. AIDS LIAISON (HEAL) offers infor mation about alternative views of AIDS causation and HIV testing Call for a free packet of information (503-227-2339 bwport@comcast. net.) MULTNOMAH COUNTY HEALTH DEPARTMENT'S HIV COMMUNITY TEST SITE offers confidential testing by appointment with or without your name Some walk-in testing Sliding-scale fee Se habla espahol: other interpretation by appointment. (9 am-9:95 pm Monday-Friday except 11:00-9:95 pm Wednesday 926 SW Stark St.. Sixth Floor 50 3-9 8 8-3775 ) HIV DAY CENTER offers hot meals, counseling, laundry facilities, clothing, showers and hygiene supplies, computers with Internet access, phones, mail drop, recreational activi ties. massage and haircuts. We are in need of volunteers to work in the kitchen, meal delivery drivers, massage therapists and folks to help cook lunch to clients on Fridays. Feel free to call Mara at 503-960-3822. (9 am-3 pm Monday-Friday. 2991 NE Ainsworth St. 503-960-3822.) THE LINK, a social networking group for HIV-positive gay and bi men, meets the second and fourth Wednesday of every month for social events, discussions and other outings. (928 SW Stark St. 503-223-6339. ext. 555. thelink@cascadeaids. org.) MANIFEST (formerly Q-LAND). a nonprofit men s wellness community, prevents and addresses HIV and STDs by empow ering men to pursue their wellness passions together through programs like yoga, cycling, hiking, meditation, healing touch classes, vision teams, wellness coaching, information and referrals. (503-223-8822 ext I www manifestpdx org.) MULTNOMAH COUNTY OFFERS FREE HIV RAPID TESTING to gay. bi and trans guys in NE Portland Se habla espahol. (5-7:15 pm Tuesday 5329 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd. 503-988-3030 ) OHSU HIV CLINIC provides comprehensive health care for people living with HIV/AIDS. Services include HIV specialty care, psychiatry, counseling, addiction treatment (including buprenorphine/suboxone). case management, same-day visits and online chart access. Appointments are available regardless of insurance (503-999-8562.) OUR HOUSE OF PORTLAND provides Oregon and southwest Washington s only network of integrated health and housing services for people with HIV/AIDS Programs include Our House (29-hour residential care). Neighborhood Housing and Care. Community Services and Swan House To volunteer, contact Kathryn Siebert (503-239-0175 www ourhouseofportland.org) PARTNERSHIP PROJECT provides services to people with HIV/AIDS. their families and those at risk Programs include HIV Case Management: Supporting Healthy Options for Prevention (SHOP), behavior change counseling to motivate people to protect themselves and their partners: and ALL ABOUT HIV. providing basic information for people living with HIV/AIDS. Se habla espahol. (Intake Line 503-517-3590. SHOP: Laura or Kurt 503-230-1202 or 877-795-7700 ALL ABOUT HIV: 503-230-1202 Positive Living Julia 503-230-1202. ext 235 wwwohsu.edu/partnership.) PORTLAND AREA HIV SERVICES PLANNING COUNCIL is a county decision-making body that identifies services needed for people living with HIV/AIDS and allocates federal funds annually in a six-county area Need volunteers from all walks of life (20 NE 10th Ave Second Floor 3653 SE 39th Ave 503-988-3030. ext 25703 www hivportland org ) POSITIVE DIRECTION SERIES offers life skill workshops to people living with HIV/AIDS at Cascade AIDS Project Topics include employment, parenting, health, women s self-image and sexuality, budgeting and tenant education. (Shyle Ruder 503-223-5907. ext. 202 www cascadeaids org.) POSITIVE LIVING SERIES is a seven-week self-manage ment series for people living with HIV/AIDS designed to assist you in taking care of your illness, give you skills to carry out normal daily activities and provide you with the tools to man age emotional changes (Julia 503 230 1202. ext. 235 www ohsu edu/partnership/fuzeon.html.) ♦TALK is a five-week program for people living with HIV designed to reduce stress around talking about your HIV status and negotiating safer sex New sessions start monthly (Josh 503-223-5907 jferrer@cascadeaids.org.) QUEST CENTER FOR INTEGRATIVE HEALTH offers conventional and alternative health care, nutrition classes, support groups and recreational sports activities for people seeking a wellness focus to living and dying, especially those living with HIV/AIDS or cancer (2901 E Burnside St . 503-238-5203. info@quest-center org) THE RESEARCH 8 EDUCATION GROUP provides access to HIV/AIDS research trials of new drugs and therapies for people in Oregon and southwest Washington. (2311 NW Northrup St. »105 503-229-8928.) THE RISK REDUCTION ZONE, a program of Outside In. provides a queer safe space that offers HIV. hepatitis C and STD prevention programs: Internet resources peer counsel ing: referrals: and support groups in a nonclinical setting (1030 SW 13th Ave 503-535-3895.) SELF-INJECTION MEDICATION SUPPORT GROUP provides a monthly education and support group for people taking any medication that requires self injection (Fuzeon. Insulin. Interferon. Vitamin BI2. Testosterone) or those who are considering taking those medications Providers, care givers and support people are also welcome Group meets the fourth Tuesdays of the month from 1-2.30 p m at Our House at 2727 SE Alder St.. Portland. OR 97219 (For informa tion or to RSVP contact Julee Graven RN Partnership Project Nurse Case Manager at 503-720-6939 or 503-913-6389 www ohsu.edu/partnership) SOCIAL AND SUPPORT GROUP discusses HIV issues for men at Quest Center Meet other nice guys, share information and have fun. (7-8 pm Tuesdays. 2901 E Burnside St., contact Arthur at 503-290-9389.) SWAN HOUSE is a specialized adult foster care home for • low-income people with HIV/AIDS who need assistance with personal care mobility, medications or drug/alco- hol/mental health support (Business 503-786-9829. Volunteers 503-239-0175 www ourhouseofportland org/programs/swanhouse) TOD S CORNER in Milwaukie provides clothing household items, companion pet care, cremations and more to people with HIV/AIDS Call to donate or for services (503-399 9699 www ourhouseofportland org/programs/todscorner ) WASHINGTON COUNTY HEALTH DEPARTMENT offers low-cost HIV testing at community health clinics for guys who have sex with other guys No appointment needed Results in 20 minutes. Se habla espahol. (Beaverton: 5:30-7:30 pm Monday. 12550 SW Second St Hillsboro 9-5:30 pm Tuesday and 9-11 am Friday. 266 W Main St.) »COMMUNITY General BABBLE-ON TOASTMASTERS meets at Red Coach Restaurant to develop communications and leadership skills, including prepared speeches impromptu speaking and running effective meetings (9-5:30 pm Sunday 615 SW Broadway 503-330-2706 www babble-ontm org.) BISEXUAL COMMUNITY FORUM is a space to meet people and freely discuss issues relevant to the bi community at Red and Black Cafe Everyone is welcome (7:30 pm first Monday 900 SE 12th Ave Laury 503-285-9898.) DEAF 8 HEARING OUT REACH (DHOR) is a nonprofit orga nization dedicated to building community among deaf and hearing queers and allies Visit our Web site for programs, services, events and community resources (dhorpdx@gmail. com. dhorpdx blogspot com ) DOUBLE RAINBOW FOUNDATION is available to help all queer parents who co-conceive children to be treated equally We believe, regardless of gender two adults in com mitted relationships who agree to co-create children should be given the same rights as heterosexual couples (www myspace.com/doublerainbowfoundation.) ELDER RESOURCE ALLIANCE is a coalition of organi zations and individuals working to enhance the lives of older members of the sexual minorities community through education, advocacy, outreach and resource development Activities include sensitivity trainings, creating social change recreational activities, information and assistance (3:30-9:30 pm first Wednesday Friendly House Community Center 1737 NW 26th Ave Rachel 503-229-2690 eracoordinator@yahoo com.) EQUITY FOUNDATION is a nonprofit organization founded by gays and lesbians to build communities that embrace the dignity and worth of all people Equity has distributed more than J3 million in grants and scholarships throughout Oregon. (503-231-5759 www equityfoundation org ) FIFTY* LESBIAN SOCIAL GROUP meets the third Saturday of each month (9-7pm). For additional information call 503 692 3360 or 971 2161173 or email sutaytig@aol com GETTING BI PDX is a women s group that meets for discus sion. coffee and planning social events (www gettingbipdx com ) KBOO-FM s Out Loud queer news and public affairs show featuring local guests and announcements, airs second and continued on page 42
