OREGON S GAY/LESBIAN/BI/TRANS NEWSMAGAZINE
AUGUST 7 2009
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Revealing His Scars Needn't Be a Heavy Matter
D ear M s . B ehavior :
I’m a 41-year-old gay man who used to
weigh nearly 400 lbs— not an easy way to live
within gay male culture— and now I weigh
198.1 lost it naturally (without gastric bypass),
but after the huge weight loss, I was left with
extra hanging skin. I had to have several cos
metic surgeries, including a tummy tuck and
procedures to remove extra skin from my arms,
my thighs, and even my face. After years of
solitary misery, I am finally interested in having
a relationship.
However, I’m scared and need advice. If I’m
out on a date and it’s going well, should I warn
him about my scars (across my middle, under
my nipples, on my arms, thighs, and behind my
ears) before taking my shirt off? How about my
pants? My friends say I should, but won’t that
just put the guy off?
- Former Fatty
D ear F ormer F atty :
There’s no need to waste your date’s perfect
ly good boner by issuing a warning about your
scars. And if you’re thinking you should pre
empt the action with a confession even earlier,
think again. If you mention your surgery over
dinner, you’re risking pre-empting your im
pending frottage by frightening your date into
envisioning something far more dramatic than
what you actually have.
someone will love you for your scars and for
your former-flabby essence. You used your
immense strength of character to lose all that
weight and change your life; that says some
thing really important about who you are. Now
it’s just a matter o f skimming through the fat
(in the dating world), to find that person.
Granted, if you had something commu
nicable, you’d need to share the information
before getting naked. Your scars, however, are
your own. Your date may notice them, but he’s
unlikely to either catch them or to freak out.
By the time a human is in his or her 40s, a
lot has happened to the body. Your case may be
more extreme than most, but despite what the
perfect-looking actors on Desperate Housewives
would have you believe, most people your age
have begun to experience their share of bruises,
breaks, illnesses, surgeries, and general physi
cal distress— if not warts and herpes—or the
effects of emotional battle scars, like having
endured numerous break-ups and deaths.
Wow. This is beginning to sound grim—but
it’s not. The point is that while shallow people
do populate the universe, you’re not seeking a
shallow person for a relationship. You’re seek
ing someone who isn’t all about perfect pecs
and glutes of steel.
Ms. Behavior doesn’t mean to sound all
Mary Poppins about it, but the truth is that
D ear Ms. B ehavior :
Six months ago, my friend Sally was
dumped by her partner of 20 years, Joy. Sally
has been a total sloppy mess, crying in my liv
ing room everyday.
The worst part is that Joy left Sally for
another friend of ours (Monica), who left her
girlfriend, too. However, 20 years is a long
time; now Joy is coming back around to try to
patch things up with Sally, and Sally is willing
to take her back. It’s good to see Sally smile,
but it’s sad that she’s so easily won back by Joy
the Cheater. Sally has made only one demand
of Joy, which is that she stop seeing Monica
immediately.
All seemed okay until yesterday, when I got
a phone call from Monica, who is distraught
that Joy is going back to Sally. In a moment
of panic and sorrow, Monica told me that she
and Joy still see each other once a week and
have sex. I don’t know what to do with the
information.
Monica probably wants me to tell Sally, so
that Sally will end her reunion with Joy, and
come back to her (Monica). Should I tell Sally?
Should I keep it to myself? Help!
- Confused
D ear C onfused :
You and your gaggle of friends don’t do
much to contradict the notion of Lesbian
Drama, do you?
Ms. Behavior normally advises her read
ers to stay far away from these domestic dis
putes, and to avoid, at all costs, being a snitch.
However, your allegiance in this instance is so
clearly to Sally that it seems you really must
inform her, regardless of the consequences. Not
telling your very close friend this news would
be a far bigger betrayal (and risk to your friend
ship) than telling her. She may, of course, be
upset with you— they don’t call it “killing the
messenger” for nothing— but hopefully she’ll
ultimately view your gesture as protective.
More advice: See if you can find a stable
friend or two, who don’t engage in the high art
of dyke drama.
M eryl C ohn is the author of Do What I
Say: Ms. Behavior’s Guide to Gay and Lesbian
Etiquette. Signed copies are available directly
from the author. Send questions or correspondence
to msbehavior@aol.com.
OUTREACH
»AIDS 8 HIV
CAREAssist pays for health insurance premiums, prescrip
tion drugs and insurance.plan co-payments and deductibles
for eligible people with HIV/AIDS Program of the Oregon
Department of Human Services and the Ryan White CARE Act.
(8 am-5 pm Monday-Friday. 503-731-9029 or 800-805-2313.
www healthoregon org.)
CASCADE AIDS PROJECT (CAP) educates youth and
adults about HIV prevention, supports people with HIV
and their families and advocates for sound HIV policy and
legislation on the national, state and local levels Spanish-
language assistance available (Suite 300. 620 SW Fifth Ave
503-223-5907. Oregon AIDS Hotline 800-777-2937.)
CITYGUYS hosts monthly HIV testing nights at The Escape and
Steam: provides free risk reduction counseling, condoms and
lube: and offers free rapid HIV testing and STD screening at
the Men s Wellness Center (5-9pm Tuesdays and llam-2pm
Wednesdays for HIV/STD and 5-9pm Saturdays for HIV only).
928 SW Stark St.. 503-995-7699. cityguys@cascadeaids.org
CLACKAMAS COUNTY COMMUNITY HEALTH IN
OREGON CITY offers anonymous and confidential HIV test
ing and counseling for gay and bisexual men No needles!
Free condoms! Call for appointment or walk-in testing times
(3:30-6:30 pm Tuesday. 1925 Beavercreek Road Clinic:
503-655-8971. Information: 503-792-53 8 2.)
CLARK COUNTY offers free rapid HIV testing and hepati
tis A and B vaccinations to men who have sex with men in
Vancouver. Wash. (5-6:30 pm Thursday 3701 E Fourth Plain
Blvd 360 397-8098 )
COLUMBIA COUNTY PUBLIC HEALTH offers anonymous
and confidential HIV testing, counseling and case manage
ment to anyone Se habla espahol. We lend HIV books and
videos and offer educational materials and free condoms.
(503-397-9651 or 800-299-9870.)
DAILY BREAD EXPRESS provides home delivery of high-
quality meals to HIV-positive individuals in need Fresh meals
delivered weekdays, frozen meals for weekends. Volunteers
invited to inquire anytime. (Mara 503-960-3822.)
ESTHER'S PANTRY in Milwaukie provides food and per
sonal care items to people with HIV/AIDS Call to donate
or for services (503-399-9699 www ourhouseofportland
org/programs/estherspantry.)
FUZEON INFORMATION GROUP welcomes people
contemplating, using or caregiving for Fuzeon recipients.
Facilitated by experienced patients, nurses and social work
ers. (5:30-7 pm second Wednesday. 5525 SE Milwaukie Ave
RSVP to Julia 503-230-1202. ext. 235. www ohsu edu/partner-
ship/fuzeon html
HEALTH. EDUCATION. AIDS LIAISON (HEAL) offers infor
mation about alternative views of AIDS causation and HIV
testing Call for a free packet of information (503-227-2339
bwport@comcast. net.)
MULTNOMAH COUNTY HEALTH DEPARTMENT'S HIV
COMMUNITY TEST SITE offers confidential testing by
appointment with or without your name Some walk-in testing
Sliding-scale fee Se habla espahol: other interpretation by
appointment. (9 am-9:95 pm Monday-Friday except 11:00-9:95
pm Wednesday 926 SW Stark St.. Sixth Floor 50 3-9 8 8-3775 )
HIV DAY CENTER offers hot meals, counseling, laundry
facilities, clothing, showers and hygiene supplies, computers
with Internet access, phones, mail drop, recreational activi
ties. massage and haircuts. We are in need of volunteers to
work in the kitchen, meal delivery drivers, massage therapists
and folks to help cook lunch to clients on Fridays. Feel free to
call Mara at 503-960-3822. (9 am-3 pm Monday-Friday. 2991
NE Ainsworth St. 503-960-3822.)
THE LINK, a social networking group for HIV-positive gay and
bi men, meets the second and fourth Wednesday of every
month for social events, discussions and other outings. (928
SW Stark St. 503-223-6339. ext. 555. thelink@cascadeaids.
org.)
MANIFEST (formerly Q-LAND). a nonprofit men s wellness
community, prevents and addresses HIV and STDs by empow
ering men to pursue their wellness passions together through
programs like yoga, cycling, hiking, meditation, healing
touch classes, vision teams, wellness coaching, information
and referrals. (503-223-8822 ext I www manifestpdx org.)
MULTNOMAH COUNTY OFFERS FREE HIV RAPID
TESTING to gay. bi and trans guys in NE Portland Se habla
espahol. (5-7:15 pm Tuesday 5329 NE Martin Luther King Jr.
Blvd. 503-988-3030 )
OHSU HIV CLINIC provides comprehensive health care for
people living with HIV/AIDS. Services include HIV specialty
care, psychiatry, counseling, addiction treatment (including
buprenorphine/suboxone). case management, same-day
visits and online chart access. Appointments are available
regardless of insurance (503-999-8562.)
OUR HOUSE OF PORTLAND provides Oregon and
southwest Washington s only network of integrated health
and housing services for people with HIV/AIDS Programs
include Our House (29-hour residential care). Neighborhood
Housing and Care. Community Services and Swan House
To volunteer, contact Kathryn Siebert (503-239-0175 www
ourhouseofportland.org)
PARTNERSHIP PROJECT provides services to people with
HIV/AIDS. their families and those at risk Programs include
HIV Case Management: Supporting Healthy Options for
Prevention (SHOP), behavior change counseling to motivate
people to protect themselves and their partners: and ALL
ABOUT HIV. providing basic information for people living
with HIV/AIDS. Se habla espahol. (Intake Line 503-517-3590.
SHOP: Laura or Kurt 503-230-1202 or 877-795-7700 ALL ABOUT
HIV: 503-230-1202 Positive Living Julia 503-230-1202. ext 235
wwwohsu.edu/partnership.)
PORTLAND AREA HIV SERVICES PLANNING COUNCIL
is a county decision-making body that identifies services
needed for people living with HIV/AIDS and allocates federal
funds annually in a six-county area Need volunteers from all
walks of life (20 NE 10th Ave Second Floor 3653 SE 39th Ave
503-988-3030. ext 25703 www hivportland org )
POSITIVE DIRECTION SERIES offers life skill workshops to
people living with HIV/AIDS at Cascade AIDS Project Topics
include employment, parenting, health, women s self-image
and sexuality, budgeting and tenant education. (Shyle Ruder
503-223-5907. ext. 202 www cascadeaids org.)
POSITIVE LIVING SERIES is a seven-week self-manage
ment series for people living with HIV/AIDS designed to assist
you in taking care of your illness, give you skills to carry out
normal daily activities and provide you with the tools to man
age emotional changes (Julia 503 230 1202. ext. 235 www
ohsu edu/partnership/fuzeon.html.)
♦TALK is a five-week program for people living with HIV
designed to reduce stress around talking about your HIV
status and negotiating safer sex New sessions start monthly
(Josh 503-223-5907 jferrer@cascadeaids.org.)
QUEST CENTER FOR INTEGRATIVE HEALTH offers
conventional and alternative health care, nutrition classes,
support groups and recreational sports activities for people
seeking a wellness focus to living and dying, especially
those living with HIV/AIDS or cancer (2901 E Burnside St .
503-238-5203. info@quest-center org)
THE RESEARCH 8 EDUCATION GROUP provides access
to HIV/AIDS research trials of new drugs and therapies
for people in Oregon and southwest Washington. (2311 NW
Northrup St. »105 503-229-8928.)
THE RISK REDUCTION ZONE, a program of Outside In.
provides a queer safe space that offers HIV. hepatitis C and
STD prevention programs: Internet resources peer counsel
ing: referrals: and support groups in a nonclinical setting
(1030 SW 13th Ave 503-535-3895.)
SELF-INJECTION MEDICATION SUPPORT GROUP
provides a monthly education and support group for people
taking any medication that requires self injection (Fuzeon.
Insulin. Interferon. Vitamin BI2. Testosterone) or those who
are considering taking those medications Providers, care
givers and support people are also welcome Group meets
the fourth Tuesdays of the month from 1-2.30 p m at Our
House at 2727 SE Alder St.. Portland. OR 97219 (For informa
tion or to RSVP contact Julee Graven RN Partnership Project
Nurse Case Manager at 503-720-6939 or 503-913-6389 www
ohsu.edu/partnership)
SOCIAL AND SUPPORT GROUP discusses HIV issues for
men at Quest Center Meet other nice guys, share information
and have fun. (7-8 pm Tuesdays. 2901 E Burnside St., contact
Arthur at 503-290-9389.)
SWAN HOUSE is a specialized adult foster care home for
• low-income people with HIV/AIDS who need assistance
with personal care mobility, medications or drug/alco-
hol/mental health support
(Business
503-786-9829.
Volunteers
503-239-0175
www ourhouseofportland
org/programs/swanhouse)
TOD S CORNER in Milwaukie provides clothing household
items, companion pet care, cremations and more to people
with HIV/AIDS Call to donate or for services (503-399 9699
www ourhouseofportland org/programs/todscorner )
WASHINGTON COUNTY HEALTH DEPARTMENT offers
low-cost HIV testing at community health clinics for guys who
have sex with other guys No appointment needed Results
in 20 minutes. Se habla espahol. (Beaverton: 5:30-7:30 pm
Monday. 12550 SW Second St Hillsboro 9-5:30 pm Tuesday
and 9-11 am Friday. 266 W Main St.)
»COMMUNITY
General
BABBLE-ON TOASTMASTERS meets at Red Coach
Restaurant to develop communications and leadership
skills, including prepared speeches impromptu speaking
and running effective meetings (9-5:30 pm Sunday 615 SW
Broadway 503-330-2706 www babble-ontm org.)
BISEXUAL COMMUNITY FORUM is a space to meet
people and freely discuss issues relevant to the bi community
at Red and Black Cafe Everyone is welcome (7:30 pm first
Monday 900 SE 12th Ave Laury 503-285-9898.)
DEAF 8 HEARING OUT REACH (DHOR) is a nonprofit orga
nization dedicated to building community among deaf and
hearing queers and allies Visit our Web site for programs,
services, events and community resources (dhorpdx@gmail.
com. dhorpdx blogspot com )
DOUBLE RAINBOW FOUNDATION is available to help
all queer parents who co-conceive children to be treated
equally We believe, regardless of gender two adults in com
mitted relationships who agree to co-create children should
be given the same rights as heterosexual couples (www
myspace.com/doublerainbowfoundation.)
ELDER RESOURCE ALLIANCE is a coalition of organi
zations and individuals working to enhance the lives of
older members of the sexual minorities community through
education, advocacy, outreach and resource development
Activities include sensitivity trainings, creating social change
recreational activities, information and assistance (3:30-9:30
pm first Wednesday Friendly House Community Center 1737
NW 26th Ave Rachel 503-229-2690 eracoordinator@yahoo
com.)
EQUITY FOUNDATION is a nonprofit organization founded
by gays and lesbians to build communities that embrace
the dignity and worth of all people Equity has distributed
more than J3 million in grants and scholarships throughout
Oregon. (503-231-5759 www equityfoundation org )
FIFTY* LESBIAN SOCIAL GROUP meets the third Saturday
of each month (9-7pm). For additional information call
503 692 3360 or 971 2161173 or email sutaytig@aol com
GETTING BI PDX is a women s group that meets for discus
sion. coffee and planning social events (www gettingbipdx
com )
KBOO-FM s Out Loud queer news and public affairs show
featuring local guests and announcements, airs second and
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