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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (May 1, 2009)
♦ OREGON S GAY/LESBIAN/BI/TRANS NEWSMAGAZINE MAY I 2009 JZ-JC Gift It o Rest. Let Your True Feelings Be Your Guide D ear M s . B ehavior : My husband and I were married in 2004, during the brief period that same-sex marriage was legal in Portland, Oregon. Our wedding was a very small, rushed affair in a friend’s backyard with no chance to invite out-of- town guests, so a simple announcement and photo were sent out after the ceremony. No mention of gifts was made, since this was not the reason we got married; however, we were slightly annoyed when we received only one congratulatory card and not a single wedding gift. Of course, we never brought this up to anyone involved. We have now received a wedding invita tion from one of my best friends. My hus band and I can’t attend the wedding, as it is on the other side of the country. However, the invitation includes a list of stores where the couple is registered. Am I obligated to send a wedding gift? I am normally a big gift-giver, but it irks me to think that I am being asked to buy a gift for a couple who didn’t even send us a card for our wedding. If I don’t send a gift, do I owe the couple an explanation? - 5/z// Don't Own A Blender D ear S till D on ’ t O wn a B lender : Since you received virtually no response to your announcement - ind since people usually respond to their friends’ weddings with an outpouring of joy, congratulations, and gifts - something about your method of announcing your wedding may have left your friends feeling confused or left out. Announcements - other than those designed to transmit news of a birth - are often impersonal informative declarations, like, “Hey, I’m a realtor now! Wanna sell your house?” Unlike invitations, wedding announcements are usually reserved for ac quaintances, business associates, or friends of the parents who aren’t close to the marrying couple. Such announcements don’t often go to intimate friends, so it’s easy to see why a close buddy may feel slighted by getting an announcement instead of an invitation. Such friends may (correctly) believe that other people were invited and they weren’t; an ex planation that it was ‘last minute may not have dissuaded them from feeling that they were on the “B-list.” Your more intimate far away friends might even have been happy to hop on a plane for your backyard wedding if you’d called them and explained the shotgun circumstances. Now five years have passed, and you’re still bitter about not having received gifts and cards. It’s time to let go of your hurt feelings, forgive your friends, and move on. You’re not necessarily “obligated” to send a wedding gift to “one of your best friends” but not doing so, as you’ve seen, can hurt friendships. Since you’re normally a bi£ gift-giver, act in ac cordance with your true feelings - not your resentment - and send your friends a lovely* present and your congratulations. ♦ ♦ ♦ D ear M s . B ehavior : For two years, my girlfriend Maria hinted, whined, wheedled, and manipulated about our getting married. I wasn’t sure how I felt about marriage and said so. But more recently, after six months of talking about it every week in my therapist’s office, which eased my anxiety, I finally decided to propose. When I got on my knee and popped the question, however, Maria said “no”; she didn’t want me to marry her just because she wanted to get married. (Now I’m rolling my eyes.) What the “F” is an honest butch to do? She wants me to, so I do, then she doesn’t want me to because she wanted me to! What am I supposed to do now that she’s rejected my proposal? Beg? Or just forget it? - Out-Femmed Butch D ear O ut -F emmed B utch : Like many old-fashioned femmes, Maria wants you to perform a task and then convince her that it was your idea all along. Proposing was not your idea, so she’s not going to be happy with feeling like she talked you into it. Whatever you do, don’t share your “process” with her, or reveal all the nitty-gritty details of the ambivalence you experienced during therapy. But - assuming it’s true - do let Maria know that you really do want to marry her. Given the insecurity that she may have developed while you were whiling away the hours on the therapy couch - which was the right thing to do - you now need to romance her, telling her all the reasons that you can’t live without her. However, if in the darkest hours of the night, you still have a tiny bit of nagging doubt, arrange for a very long engagement while you continue to work things out with your therapist. M eryl C ohn is the author of Da What I Say: Ms. Behavior’s Guide to Gay and Lesbian Etiquette. Signed copies are available directly from the author. Send questions or correspondence to msbehavior@aol.com. OUTREACH »AIDS 6 HIV CAREAssist pays for health insurance premiums, prescription drugs and insurance plan co-pay ments and deductibles for eligible people with HIV/AIDS Program of the Oregon Department of Human Services and the Ryan White CARE Act (8 am-5 pm Monday-Friday 503-731-4029 or 800-805-2313 www healthoregon org ) Cascade AIDS Project (CAP) educates youth and adults about HIV prevention, supports people with HIV and their families and advocates for sound HIV policy and legislation on the national, state and local levels Spanish-lan- guage assistance available (Suite 300. 820 SW Fifth Ave 503-223-5907 Oregon AIDS Hotline 800-777-2437) CityGuys hosts monthly HIV testing nights at The Escape and Steam; provides free risk reduction counseling, çondoms and lube, and offers free rapid HIV testing and STD screening at the Men s Wellness Center (5-9 pm Tuesday [HIV/STD] and Saturday [HIV only] 928 SW Stark St 503-445-7699 cityguys&cascadeaids org. ) Clackamas County Community Health in Oregon City offers anonymous and confidential HIV test ing and counseling for gay and bisexual men No needles! Free condoms! Call for appointment or walk-in testing times (3:30-8:30 pm Tuesday 1425 Beavercreek Road Clinic: 503-855-8471 Information: 503-742-5382 ) Clark County offers free rapid HIV testing and hepatitis A and B vaccinations to men who have sex with men in Vancouver. Wash. (5-8:30 pm Thursday. 3701E Fourth Plain Blvd 380-397-8098) * Columbia County Public Health offers anony mous and confidential HIV testing, counseling and case management to anyone Se habla espahol We lend HIV books and videos and offer educational materials and free condoms (503-397-4851 or 800-244-4870.) Daily Bread Express provides home delivery of high-quality meals to HIV-positive individuals in need Fresh meals delivered weekdays, frozen meals for weekends Volunteers invited to inquire anytime (Mara 503-480-3822 ) Esther's Pantry in Milwaukie provides food and personal care items to people with HIV/AIDS Call to donate or for services (503-349-4899 www ourhouseofportland org/programs/estherspan - try) Fuzeon Information Group welcomes people contemplating, using or caregiving for Fuzeon recipients Facilitated by experienced patients, nurses and social workers (5:30-7 pm second Wednesday. 5525 SE Milwaukie Ave RSVP to Julia 503-230-1202. ext 235 www ohsu edu/part- nership/fuzeon html.) Health. Education. AIDS Uaison (HEAL) offers infor mation about alternative views of AIDS causation and HIV testing Call for a free packet of informa tion. (503-227-2339 bwport&comcast net.) Multnomah County Health Department s HIV Community Test Site offers confidential test ing by appointment with or without your name Some walk-in testing Sliding-scale fee Se habla espahol; other interpretation by appoint ment (9 am-4:45 pm Monday-Friday except 12:30-4 45 pm Wednesday 428 SW Stark St . Sixth Floor 503-988-3775) HIV Day Center offers hot meals, counseling, laundry facilities, clothing, showers and hygiene supplies, computers with Internet access, phones, mail drop, recreational activities, massage and haircuts Volunteers invited to inquire anytime (9am-3pm Monday-Friday 2941 NE Ainsworth St 503-480-3822) The Link, a social networking group for HIV-posi tive gay and bi men. meets the second and fourth Wednesday of every month for social events discussions and other outings. (928 SW Stark St 503-223-8339 ext 555 thelmk&cascadeaidsorg) Manifest (formerly Q-LAND). a nonprofit men s wellness community, prevents and addresses HIV and STDs by empowering men to pursue their wellness passions together through programs like yoga cycling, hiking, meditation, healing touch classes, vision teams, wellness coaching information and referrals (503-223-8822 ext I. www manifestpdx. org.) Multnomah County offers free HIV rapid testing to gay bi and trans guys. Se habla espahol (5-7:15 pm Tuesday. 5329 NE Martin Luther King Jr Blvd. 503-988-3030 ) OHSU HIV Clinic provides comprehensive health care for people living with HIV/AIDS. Services include HIV specialty care psychiatry, counseling addiction treatment (including buprenorphine/ suboxone). case management, same-day visits and online chart access Appointments are avail able regardless of insurance (503-ÍI94-8582) Our House of Portland provides Oregon and southwest Washington s only network of inte grated health and housing services for people with HIV/AIDS Programs include Our House (24- hour residential care). Neighborhood Housing and Care. Community Services and Swan House To volunteer, contact Kathryn Siebert (503-234-0175 www ourhouseofportland org. I (1030 SW 13th Ave 503-535-3895 ) Partnership Project provides services to people with HIV/AIDS. their families and those at risk Programs include HIV Case Management: Supporting Healthy Options for Prevention (SHOP) behavior change counseling to moti vate people to protect themselves and their partners: and HIV 101. providing basic informa tion for people recently diagnosed Se habla espahol. (Intake Line 503-517-3590 SHOP: Laura or Kurt 503-230-1202 or 877-795-7700 HIV 101: 503-230-1202 Positive Living Julia 503-230-1202. ext 235 www ohsu edu/partnership) Social and Support Group discusses HIV issues for men at Quest Center Meet other nice guys, share information and have fun. (7-8 pm Tuesday 2901 E Burnside St Terry 503-253-2292 ) Portland Area HIV Services Planning Council is a county decision-making body that identifies services needed for people living with HIV/AIDS and allocates federal funds annually in a six- county area Need volunteers from all walks of life (20 NE 10th Ave. Second Floor 3853 SE 34th Ave 503-988-3030 ext 25703 wwwhivportlandorg.) Positive Direction Series offers life skill workshops to people living with HIV/AIDS at Cascade AIDS Project. Topics include employment, parent ing. health, women s self-image and sexuality, budgeting and tenant education (Shyle Ruder 503-223-5907. ext 203 www cascadeaids org) Positive Living Series is a seven-week self-man agement series for people living with HIV/AIDS designed to assist you in taking care of your illness, give you skills to carry out normal daily activities and provide you with the tools to man age emotional changes (Julia 503-230-1202. ext 235 www ohsu edu/partnership/fuzeon html) •talk is a five-week program for people living with HIV designed to reduce stress around talking about your HIV status and negotiating safer sex New sessions start monthly (Josh 503-223-5907 jferrer&cascadeaidsorg) Project Quest Integrative Health Center offers conventional and alternative health care, nutri tion classes, support groups and recreational sports activities for people seeking a wellness focus to living and dying, especially those liv ing with HIV/AIDS or cancer (2901 E Burnside St 503-238-5203 pquest0qwest.net) The Research 6 Education Group provides access to HIV/AIDS research trials of new drugs and therapies for people in Oregon and southwest Washington (2311 NW Northrup St "105 503-229-8428 ) The Risk Reduction Zone a program of Outside In. provides a queer safe spac? that offers HIV. hepatitis C and STD prevention programs: Internet resources peer counseling referrals: and support groups in a nonclinical setting Swan House is a specialized adult foster care home for low-income people with HIV/AIDS who need assistance with personal care, mobility, medi cations or drug/alcohol/mental health support (Business: 503-788-4829 Volunteers 503-234-0175 www ourhouseofportland org/programs/swan- house) Tod's Corner in Milwaukie provides clothing, household items, companion pet care, crema tions and more to people with HIV/AIDS. Call to donate or for services (503-349-4899 www ourhouseofportland org/programs/todscorner) Washington County Health Department offers free HIV testing for guys who have sex with other guys at community health clinics No appoint ment needed Results in 20 minutes. Se habla espahol (Beaverton 5:30-7:30 pm Monday. 12550 SW Second St Hillsboro 4-5:30 pm Tuesday and 9-11 am Friday. 288 W Main St.) »COMMUNITY General Babble-On Toastmasters meets at Red Coach Restaurant 4o develop communications and leadership skills, including prepared speeches, impromptu speaking and running effective meetings (4-5:30 pm Sunday 815 SW Broadway 503-330-2708 www babble-ontm org) Bisexual Community Forum is a space to meet people and freely discuss issues relevant to the bi community at Red and Black Cafe Everyone is welcome (7:30 pm first Monday 400 SE 12th Ave Laury 503-285-4848) Deaf 6 Hearing Out Reach (DHOR) is a nonprofit organization dedicated to building community among deaf and hearing queers and allies Visit our Web site for programs, services, events and community resources. (dhorpdx&gmail com dhorpdx blogspot com) Double Rainbow Foundation is available to help all queer parents who co-conceive children to be treated equally We believe, regardless of gender two adults in committed relationships who agree to co-create children should be given the same rights as heterosexual couples (www myspace com/doublerambowfoundation) Elder Resource Alliance is a coalition of organiza tions and individuals working to enhance the lives of older members of the sexual minorities com munity through education, advocacy, outreach and resource development Activities include sensitivity trainings, creating social change rec reational activities, information and assistance (3:30-4:30 pm first Wednesday Friendly House Community Center. 1737 NW 28th Ave Rachel 503-224-2840 eracoordinator&yahoo com.) Equity Foundation is a nonprofit organization founded by gays and lesbians to build commu nities that embrace the dignity and worth of all people Equity has distributed more than $3 million in grants and scholarships throughout Oregon (503-231-5759 www equityfoundation org) Getting Bi PDX is a women s group that meets for discussion, coffee and planning social events (wwwgettingbipdxcom.) *■ KBOO-FM $ Out Loud queer news and public affairs show featuring local guests and announce ments. airs second and fourth Tuesdays This Way Out the international queer show, airs on first, third and fifth Tuesdays. (8 pm 90.7 FM Portland 9I 9FM Hood River. 100 7 FM Willamette Valley wwwkboofm kboooutloud&yahoo com ) Love Makes a Family is an international orga nization that provides a public voice for queer headed families Your membership supports parents and their children, works for safe schools and encourages equal rights for all couples < (503-228-3892 www Imfamily org:) Manifest (formerly Q-LAND). a nonprofit men s wellness community, empowers men to pursue their wellness passions together through pro grams like yoga, cycling hiking, meditation, healing touch classes vision teams, well ness coaching, information and referrals We manifest wellness and love through community (503-223-8822. ext I www manifestpdx org) Men s Wellness Center is a space dedicated to the health and wellness of gay/bi men offering a variety of fun social events, discussion groups, workshops HIV/STD testing free condoms and lube, risk reduction counseling. WiFi and Internet access. (5-9 pm Tuesday (testing only], 4-10 pm Wednesday Saturday 928 SW Stark St 503-445-7699 cityguys&cascadeaids org.) The Oregon Safe Schools and Community Coalition seeks to create safe schools and communities for families educators and students statewide • continued on page 38
