♦
OREGON S GAY/LESBIAN/BI/TRANS NEWSMAGAZINE
MAY I 2009
JZ-JC
Gift It o Rest. Let Your True Feelings Be Your Guide
D ear M s . B ehavior :
My husband and I were married in 2004,
during the brief period that same-sex marriage
was legal in Portland, Oregon. Our wedding
was a very small, rushed affair in a friend’s
backyard with no chance to invite out-of-
town guests, so a simple announcement and
photo were sent out after the ceremony. No
mention of gifts was made, since this was not
the reason we got married; however, we were
slightly annoyed when we received only one
congratulatory card and not a single wedding
gift. Of course, we never brought this up to
anyone involved.
We have now received a wedding invita
tion from one of my best friends. My hus
band and I can’t attend the wedding, as it is
on the other side of the country. However, the
invitation includes a list of stores where the
couple is registered. Am I obligated to send a
wedding gift? I am normally a big gift-giver,
but it irks me to think that I am being asked
to buy a gift for a couple who didn’t even send
us a card for our wedding. If I don’t send a
gift, do I owe the couple an explanation?
- 5/z// Don't Own A Blender
D ear S till D on ’ t O wn a B lender :
Since you received virtually no response
to your announcement - ind since people
usually respond to their friends’ weddings
with an outpouring of joy, congratulations,
and gifts - something about your method of
announcing your wedding may have left your
friends feeling confused or left out.
Announcements - other than those
designed to transmit news of a birth - are
often impersonal informative declarations,
like, “Hey, I’m a realtor now! Wanna sell
your house?” Unlike invitations, wedding
announcements are usually reserved for ac
quaintances, business associates, or friends of
the parents who aren’t close to the marrying
couple. Such announcements don’t often go
to intimate friends, so it’s easy to see why a
close buddy may feel slighted by getting an
announcement instead of an invitation. Such
friends may (correctly) believe that other
people were invited and they weren’t; an ex
planation that it was ‘last minute may not
have dissuaded them from feeling that they
were on the “B-list.” Your more intimate far
away friends might even have been happy to
hop on a plane for your backyard wedding if
you’d called them and explained the shotgun
circumstances.
Now five years have passed, and you’re
still bitter about not having received gifts and
cards. It’s time to let go of your hurt feelings,
forgive your friends, and move on. You’re not
necessarily “obligated” to send a wedding gift
to “one of your best friends” but not doing
so, as you’ve seen, can hurt friendships. Since
you’re normally a bi£ gift-giver, act in ac
cordance with your true feelings - not your
resentment - and send your friends a lovely*
present and your congratulations.
♦ ♦ ♦
D ear M s . B ehavior :
For two years, my girlfriend Maria hinted,
whined, wheedled, and manipulated about our
getting married. I wasn’t sure how I felt about
marriage and said so. But more recently, after
six months of talking about it every week in
my therapist’s office, which eased my anxiety,
I finally decided to propose. When I got on
my knee and popped the question, however,
Maria said “no”; she didn’t want me to marry
her just because she wanted to get married.
(Now I’m rolling my eyes.)
What the “F” is an honest butch to do?
She wants me to, so I do, then she doesn’t
want me to because she wanted me to! What
am I supposed to do now that she’s rejected
my proposal? Beg? Or just forget it?
- Out-Femmed Butch
D ear O ut -F emmed B utch :
Like many old-fashioned femmes, Maria
wants you to perform a task and then convince
her that it was your idea all along. Proposing
was not your idea, so she’s not going to be
happy with feeling like she talked you into it.
Whatever you do, don’t share your “process”
with her, or reveal all the nitty-gritty details
of the ambivalence you experienced during
therapy. But - assuming it’s true - do let
Maria know that you really do want to marry
her. Given the insecurity that she may have
developed while you were whiling away the
hours on the therapy couch - which was the
right thing to do - you now need to romance
her, telling her all the reasons that you can’t
live without her.
However, if in the darkest hours of the
night, you still have a tiny bit of nagging
doubt, arrange for a very long engagement
while you continue to work things out with
your therapist.
M eryl C ohn is the author of Da What I
Say: Ms. Behavior’s Guide to Gay and Lesbian
Etiquette. Signed copies are available directly
from the author. Send questions or correspondence
to msbehavior@aol.com.
OUTREACH
»AIDS 6 HIV
CAREAssist pays for health insurance premiums,
prescription drugs and insurance plan co-pay
ments and deductibles for eligible people with
HIV/AIDS Program of the Oregon Department of
Human Services and the Ryan White CARE Act
(8 am-5 pm Monday-Friday 503-731-4029 or
800-805-2313 www healthoregon org )
Cascade AIDS Project (CAP) educates youth
and adults about HIV prevention, supports
people with HIV and their families and advocates
for sound HIV policy and legislation on the
national, state and local levels Spanish-lan-
guage assistance available (Suite 300. 820 SW
Fifth Ave 503-223-5907 Oregon AIDS Hotline
800-777-2437)
CityGuys hosts monthly HIV testing nights at The
Escape and Steam; provides free risk reduction
counseling, çondoms and lube, and offers free
rapid HIV testing and STD screening at the Men s
Wellness Center (5-9 pm Tuesday [HIV/STD] and
Saturday [HIV only] 928 SW Stark St 503-445-7699
cityguys&cascadeaids org. )
Clackamas County Community Health in Oregon
City offers anonymous and confidential HIV test
ing and counseling for gay and bisexual men
No needles! Free condoms! Call for appointment
or walk-in testing times (3:30-8:30 pm Tuesday
1425 Beavercreek Road Clinic: 503-855-8471
Information: 503-742-5382 )
Clark County offers free rapid HIV testing
and hepatitis A and B vaccinations to men
who have sex with men in Vancouver. Wash.
(5-8:30 pm Thursday. 3701E Fourth Plain Blvd
380-397-8098)
* Columbia County Public Health offers anony
mous and confidential HIV testing, counseling
and case management to anyone Se habla
espahol We lend HIV books and videos and
offer educational materials and free condoms
(503-397-4851 or 800-244-4870.)
Daily Bread Express provides home delivery of
high-quality meals to HIV-positive individuals in
need Fresh meals delivered weekdays, frozen
meals for weekends Volunteers invited to inquire
anytime (Mara 503-480-3822 )
Esther's Pantry in Milwaukie provides food and
personal care items to people with HIV/AIDS Call
to donate or for services (503-349-4899 www
ourhouseofportland org/programs/estherspan -
try)
Fuzeon Information Group welcomes people
contemplating, using or caregiving for Fuzeon
recipients Facilitated by experienced patients,
nurses and social workers (5:30-7 pm second
Wednesday. 5525 SE Milwaukie Ave RSVP to
Julia 503-230-1202. ext 235 www ohsu edu/part-
nership/fuzeon html.)
Health. Education. AIDS Uaison (HEAL) offers infor
mation about alternative views of AIDS causation
and HIV testing Call for a free packet of informa
tion. (503-227-2339 bwport&comcast net.)
Multnomah County Health Department s HIV
Community Test Site offers confidential test
ing by appointment with or without your name
Some walk-in testing Sliding-scale fee Se
habla espahol; other interpretation by appoint
ment (9 am-4:45 pm Monday-Friday except
12:30-4 45 pm Wednesday 428 SW Stark St . Sixth
Floor 503-988-3775)
HIV Day Center offers hot meals, counseling, laundry
facilities, clothing, showers and hygiene supplies,
computers with Internet access, phones, mail drop,
recreational activities, massage and haircuts
Volunteers invited to inquire anytime (9am-3pm
Monday-Friday 2941 NE Ainsworth St 503-480-3822)
The Link, a social networking group for HIV-posi
tive gay and bi men. meets the second and fourth
Wednesday of every month for social events
discussions and other outings. (928 SW Stark St
503-223-8339 ext 555 thelmk&cascadeaidsorg)
Manifest (formerly Q-LAND). a nonprofit men s
wellness community, prevents and addresses HIV
and STDs by empowering men to pursue their
wellness passions together through programs
like yoga cycling, hiking, meditation, healing
touch classes, vision teams, wellness coaching
information and referrals (503-223-8822 ext I.
www manifestpdx. org.)
Multnomah County offers free HIV rapid testing
to gay bi and trans guys. Se habla espahol
(5-7:15 pm Tuesday. 5329 NE Martin Luther King
Jr Blvd. 503-988-3030 )
OHSU HIV Clinic provides comprehensive health
care for people living with HIV/AIDS. Services
include HIV specialty care psychiatry, counseling
addiction treatment (including buprenorphine/
suboxone). case management, same-day visits
and online chart access Appointments are avail
able regardless of insurance (503-ÍI94-8582)
Our House of Portland provides Oregon and
southwest Washington s only network of inte
grated health and housing services for people
with HIV/AIDS Programs include Our House (24-
hour residential care). Neighborhood Housing
and Care. Community Services and Swan
House To volunteer, contact Kathryn Siebert
(503-234-0175 www ourhouseofportland org. I
(1030 SW 13th Ave 503-535-3895 )
Partnership Project provides services to people
with HIV/AIDS. their families and those at risk
Programs include HIV Case Management:
Supporting Healthy Options for Prevention
(SHOP) behavior change counseling to moti
vate people to protect themselves and their
partners: and HIV 101. providing basic informa
tion for people recently diagnosed Se habla
espahol. (Intake Line 503-517-3590 SHOP: Laura
or Kurt 503-230-1202 or 877-795-7700 HIV 101:
503-230-1202 Positive Living Julia 503-230-1202.
ext 235 www ohsu edu/partnership)
Social and Support Group discusses HIV issues for
men at Quest Center Meet other nice guys, share
information and have fun. (7-8 pm Tuesday 2901
E Burnside St Terry 503-253-2292 )
Portland Area HIV Services Planning Council is
a county decision-making body that identifies
services needed for people living with HIV/AIDS
and allocates federal funds annually in a six-
county area Need volunteers from all walks of life
(20 NE 10th Ave. Second Floor 3853 SE 34th Ave
503-988-3030 ext 25703 wwwhivportlandorg.)
Positive Direction Series offers life skill workshops
to people living with HIV/AIDS at Cascade AIDS
Project. Topics include employment, parent
ing. health, women s self-image and sexuality,
budgeting and tenant education (Shyle Ruder
503-223-5907. ext 203 www cascadeaids org)
Positive Living Series is a seven-week self-man
agement series for people living with HIV/AIDS
designed to assist you in taking care of your
illness, give you skills to carry out normal daily
activities and provide you with the tools to man
age emotional changes (Julia 503-230-1202.
ext 235 www ohsu edu/partnership/fuzeon html)
•talk is a five-week program for people living with
HIV designed to reduce stress around talking
about your HIV status and negotiating safer sex
New sessions start monthly (Josh 503-223-5907
jferrer&cascadeaidsorg)
Project Quest Integrative Health Center offers
conventional and alternative health care, nutri
tion classes, support groups and recreational
sports activities for people seeking a wellness
focus to living and dying, especially those liv
ing with HIV/AIDS or cancer (2901 E Burnside St
503-238-5203 pquest0qwest.net)
The Research 6 Education Group provides access to
HIV/AIDS research trials of new drugs and therapies
for people in Oregon and southwest Washington
(2311 NW Northrup St "105 503-229-8428 )
The Risk Reduction Zone a program of Outside
In. provides a queer safe spac? that offers
HIV. hepatitis C and STD prevention programs:
Internet resources peer counseling referrals:
and support groups in a nonclinical setting
Swan House is a specialized adult foster care
home for low-income people with HIV/AIDS who
need assistance with personal care, mobility, medi
cations or drug/alcohol/mental health support
(Business: 503-788-4829 Volunteers 503-234-0175
www ourhouseofportland org/programs/swan-
house)
Tod's Corner in Milwaukie provides clothing,
household items, companion pet care, crema
tions and more to people with HIV/AIDS. Call
to donate or for services (503-349-4899 www
ourhouseofportland org/programs/todscorner)
Washington County Health Department offers
free HIV testing for guys who have sex with other
guys at community health clinics No appoint
ment needed Results in 20 minutes. Se habla
espahol (Beaverton 5:30-7:30 pm Monday.
12550 SW Second St Hillsboro 4-5:30 pm Tuesday
and 9-11 am Friday. 288 W Main St.)
»COMMUNITY
General
Babble-On Toastmasters meets at Red Coach
Restaurant 4o develop communications and
leadership skills, including prepared speeches,
impromptu speaking and running effective
meetings (4-5:30 pm Sunday 815 SW Broadway
503-330-2708 www babble-ontm org)
Bisexual Community Forum is a space to meet
people and freely discuss issues relevant to the
bi community at Red and Black Cafe Everyone is
welcome (7:30 pm first Monday 400 SE 12th Ave
Laury 503-285-4848)
Deaf 6 Hearing Out Reach (DHOR) is a nonprofit
organization dedicated to building community
among deaf and hearing queers and allies
Visit our Web site for programs, services, events
and community resources. (dhorpdx&gmail com
dhorpdx blogspot com)
Double Rainbow Foundation is available to help
all queer parents who co-conceive children to
be treated equally We believe, regardless of
gender two adults in committed relationships
who agree to co-create children should be given
the same rights as heterosexual couples (www
myspace com/doublerambowfoundation)
Elder Resource Alliance is a coalition of organiza
tions and individuals working to enhance the lives
of older members of the sexual minorities com
munity through education, advocacy, outreach
and resource development Activities include
sensitivity trainings, creating social change rec
reational activities, information and assistance
(3:30-4:30 pm first Wednesday Friendly House
Community Center. 1737 NW 28th Ave Rachel
503-224-2840 eracoordinator&yahoo com.)
Equity Foundation is a nonprofit organization
founded by gays and lesbians to build commu
nities that embrace the dignity and worth of all
people Equity has distributed more than $3 million
in grants and scholarships throughout Oregon
(503-231-5759 www equityfoundation org)
Getting Bi PDX is a women s group that meets for
discussion, coffee and planning social events
(wwwgettingbipdxcom.)
*■
KBOO-FM $ Out Loud queer news and public
affairs show featuring local guests and announce
ments. airs second and fourth Tuesdays This Way
Out the international queer show, airs on first,
third and fifth Tuesdays. (8 pm 90.7 FM Portland
9I 9FM Hood River. 100 7 FM Willamette Valley
wwwkboofm kboooutloud&yahoo com )
Love Makes a Family is an international orga
nization that provides a public voice for queer
headed families Your membership supports
parents and their children, works for safe schools
and encourages equal rights for all couples <
(503-228-3892 www Imfamily org:)
Manifest (formerly Q-LAND). a nonprofit men s
wellness community, empowers men to pursue
their wellness passions together through pro
grams like yoga, cycling hiking, meditation,
healing touch classes vision teams, well
ness coaching, information and referrals We
manifest wellness and love through community
(503-223-8822. ext I www manifestpdx org)
Men s Wellness Center is a space dedicated to
the health and wellness of gay/bi men offering
a variety of fun social events, discussion groups,
workshops HIV/STD testing free condoms
and lube, risk reduction counseling. WiFi and
Internet access. (5-9 pm Tuesday (testing only],
4-10 pm Wednesday Saturday 928 SW Stark St
503-445-7699 cityguys&cascadeaids org.)
The Oregon Safe Schools and Community Coalition
seeks to create safe schools and communities
for families educators and students statewide
•
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