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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Aug. 6, 2004)
augusta nnn I J ilt >Mt|23 IS sa “ The reason to date is to see if there is someone out there who could bring that wonderful level of intimacy you just don’t get outside of a relationship” — Gwenn Baldwin nator of the United Sexualities group. Fortu nately, her outgoing personality and her will ingness to risk rejection have made her adept at meeting women. “If I see someone I like, I’ll go up and talk to them. You only live once, so you might as well go for it. The worst that can happen is they say no and you chalk it up to experience.” Missy Earll, a lesbian graduate student at Port land State University, is another advocate of the direct approach. “I make my dates by just going up to a woman I find attractive or intriguing or desirable and just asking her out right there and then," she says. “Women like my boldness and say my confidence is a huge turn-on for them." you don’t know them until you’ve been in their presence,” she warns. “I met this woman online and we really hit it off; we totally fell for each other. But then when I actually talked to her, her voice really irritated me. There was no way 1 could be with her.” Sevastopolous agrees, saying she spent a long time posting back and forth with a couple of women. Finally she met both pen pals, only to discover a complete lack of chemistry. Some women prefer to call on friends to introduce them to potential partners. Gwenn Baldwin, who is in her 40s, moved hack to Portland to open a communications consulting firm after several years as director of the Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Center. “You either have to go out a lot— and the law of averages says you’re going to meet some body,” she says. “Or the other way is to have friends and family who know you well enough to say, ‘You might like this person.’ ” Or you might meet Ms. Right at the dog park. In fact, Baldwin says her two dogs are often great conversation starters, contrary to what Sprecher might think. “Dogs have always been used romantically— unbeknownst to them.” What's in a date? hatever breaks the ice, when it comes to attraction the only rule is that there are no rules. Sometimes an invitation can feel so casual it’s unclear whether it’s a date. Sevastopolous admits she doesn’t always know for sure. "I will usually figure this out during the evening,” she says. “ But I wonder, did she leave the house thinking she was on a date.” Earll says she never thinks beyond the short term. “I’m not looking for a relationship but rather companionship and fun.” Lesbians with children have other factors to consider. Waller, whose 8-year-old son is with W Chat rooms and dog parks f course, not everyone has the kind of chutzpah it takes to engage a total stranger, and Diva-style flirt cards aren’t always at hand. But the less extroverted among us do have other options. Elaine Waller signed up with PlanetOut personals when she arrived in Portland after living in Albuquerque, N.M., and Port Townsend, Wash. Like many other lesbians, she says she has made friends and met interest ing women through her personal ad. The trick is not to delay that face-to-face meeting. “The had thing about the Internet is you can feel as if you really know this person, hut O her half of the time, says casual dating is ideal for the moment. “ I’m looking for people I enjoy spending time with. Maybe I’ll have a second date, or not. Maybe have sex, or not. I don’t really want a relationship right now.” Whenever sex comes into focus, women express strong feelings and divergent opinions. Earll won’t do casual sex. Lowrey enjoys having multiple part ners. Waller and Sevastopolous don’t completely rule out sex on a first date. Sprecher prefers to wait. Where every one agrees, however, is that you have to talk about your expectations. Lowrey talks openly about polyamory from the start. “T hat’s some thing 1 bring up on the first date. I say this is something you should know about me, and if it’s a problem we should just be friends from now on." She also uses protection and has regular ST D tests. Practicing safer sex is a must for anyone who has an active sex life, says Rebecca Block, a social worker researching attitudes about HIV. “In the dyke community, safer sex is hard to come by. I think a lot of dykes feel that, well, since I’m only sleeping with women there is no risk.” Looking for love, or just fun or some of us, dating is simply good fun and a great way to meet other lesbians. For others, the whole point of dating is the possibility that we will fall in love. “Sex for me is intellectual and emotional as well as physical,” says Sprecher. “I think that’s why women are more interesting and compli cated. There’s so much more to us than (just our bodies). That’s what’s erotic.” But forget that tired old joke about lesbians F “ The had thing about the Internet is vou can feel as if you really know this person, hut you don’t” — Elaine Waller Coventry Cycle (V W orks taking a U-Haul to the second date. Most women say they date casually for long periods and often see several women at a time. “It’s really stressful when I meet someone who goes into dating thinking they’re going to find someone to spend the rest of their lives with,” says Lowrey. “That kind of makes my hair stand up on end, and I run in the opposite direction.” Sevastopolous is enjoying playing the field, she says. “I definitely want to have fun for a while. I’m not looking for a monogamous, committed relationship.” Baldwin is happy with her single life and more choosy now than ever. “For me, the reason to date is to see if there is someone out there who could bring that won derful level of intimacy you just don’t get outside of a relationship,” she says. “Sure, I’d like that in my life, but I’m not willing to find a relationship just for the sake of it. That’s not worth it.” JH HELEN S ilvis is a Portland free-lance writer and editor. 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