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“ The reason to date is to see if there is
someone out there who could bring that
wonderful level of intimacy you just don’t
get outside of a relationship”
— Gwenn Baldwin
nator of the United Sexualities group. Fortu
nately, her outgoing personality and her will
ingness to risk rejection have made her adept
at meeting women.
“If I see someone I like, I’ll go up and talk
to them. You only live once, so you might as
well go for it. The worst that can happen is
they say no and you chalk it up to experience.”
Missy Earll, a lesbian graduate student at Port
land State University, is another advocate of the
direct approach. “I make my dates by just going
up to a woman I find attractive or intriguing or
desirable and just asking her out right there and
then," she says. “Women like my boldness and
say my confidence is a huge turn-on for them."
you don’t know them until you’ve been in their
presence,” she warns. “I met this woman online
and we really hit it off; we totally fell for each
other. But then when I actually talked to her,
her voice really irritated me. There was no way
1 could be with her.”
Sevastopolous agrees, saying she spent a
long time posting back and forth with a couple
of women. Finally she met both pen pals, only
to discover a complete lack of chemistry.
Some women prefer to call on friends to
introduce them to potential partners. Gwenn
Baldwin, who is in her 40s, moved hack to
Portland to open a communications consulting
firm after several years as director of the Los
Angeles Gay and Lesbian Center.
“You either have to go out a lot— and the
law of averages says you’re going to meet some
body,” she says. “Or the other way is to have
friends and family who know you well enough
to say, ‘You might like this person.’ ”
Or you might meet Ms. Right at the dog
park. In fact, Baldwin says her two dogs are often
great conversation starters, contrary to what
Sprecher might think. “Dogs have always been
used romantically— unbeknownst to them.”
What's in a date?
hatever breaks the ice, when it comes
to attraction the only rule is that
there are no rules. Sometimes an
invitation can feel so casual it’s unclear
whether it’s a date. Sevastopolous admits she
doesn’t always know for sure.
"I will usually figure this out during the
evening,” she says. “ But I wonder, did she leave
the house thinking she was on a date.”
Earll says she never thinks beyond the short
term. “I’m not looking for a relationship but
rather companionship and fun.”
Lesbians with children have other factors to
consider. Waller, whose 8-year-old son is with
W
Chat rooms and dog parks
f course, not everyone has the kind of
chutzpah it takes to engage a total
stranger, and Diva-style flirt cards
aren’t always at hand. But the less extroverted
among us do have other options.
Elaine Waller signed up with PlanetOut
personals when she arrived in Portland after
living in Albuquerque, N.M., and Port
Townsend, Wash. Like many other lesbians,
she says she has made friends and met interest
ing women through her personal ad. The trick
is not to delay that face-to-face meeting.
“The had thing about the Internet is you
can feel as if you really know this person, hut
O
her half of the time,
says casual dating is
ideal for the
moment.
“ I’m looking for
people I enjoy
spending time with.
Maybe I’ll have a
second date, or not.
Maybe have sex, or
not. I don’t really
want a relationship
right now.”
Whenever sex
comes into focus,
women express
strong feelings and
divergent opinions.
Earll won’t do casual
sex. Lowrey enjoys
having multiple part
ners. Waller and
Sevastopolous don’t
completely rule out
sex on a first date.
Sprecher prefers to
wait. Where every
one agrees, however,
is that you have to
talk about your
expectations.
Lowrey talks
openly about
polyamory from the
start. “T hat’s some
thing 1 bring up on
the first date. I say
this is something you
should know about me, and if it’s a problem we
should just be friends from now on."
She also uses protection and has regular
ST D tests.
Practicing safer sex is a must for anyone who
has an active sex life, says Rebecca Block, a
social worker researching attitudes about HIV.
“In the dyke community, safer sex is hard to
come by. I think a lot of dykes feel that, well, since
I’m only sleeping with women there is no risk.”
Looking for love, or just fun
or some of us, dating is simply good fun
and a great way to meet other lesbians.
For others, the whole point of dating is
the possibility that we will fall in love.
“Sex for me is intellectual and emotional as
well as physical,” says Sprecher. “I think that’s
why women are more interesting and compli
cated. There’s so much more to us than (just
our bodies). That’s what’s erotic.”
But forget that tired old joke about lesbians
F
“ The had thing about the Internet is vou
can feel as if you really know this person,
hut you don’t”
— Elaine Waller
Coventry
Cycle (V W orks
taking a U-Haul to the second date. Most
women say they date casually for long periods
and often see several women at a time.
“It’s really stressful when I meet someone who
goes into dating thinking they’re going to find
someone to spend the rest of their lives with,”
says Lowrey. “That kind of makes my hair stand
up on end, and I run in the opposite direction.”
Sevastopolous is enjoying playing the field,
she says. “I definitely want to have fun for a
while. I’m not looking for a monogamous,
committed relationship.”
Baldwin is happy with her single life and
more choosy now than ever.
“For me, the reason to date is to see if there
is someone out there who could bring that won
derful level of intimacy you just don’t get outside
of a relationship,” she says. “Sure, I’d like that in
my life, but I’m not willing to find a relationship
just for the sake of it. That’s not worth it.” JH
HELEN S ilvis is a Portland free-lance writer and
editor.
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