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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (July 16, 2004)
July 16» 2004 » Continued from Page 22 “The messages in bars are same old, same old. They are like the little things they give you on airplanes. Everybody s heard it, and nobody pays attention to it ” Jeremy explains: “I’ve had unsate sex when 1 was really drunk and it was anonymous one-night stands. We mer at bars or bathhouses. | Friends) 1 was with sometimes— usu ally not— made attempts to protect me. “It’s almost like 1 want to make it similar to a fetish.” Jeremy continues. “That’s what was tumuli' me on. the bare backing and the tact that it was anonymous and dangerous. 1 never asked guys not to use condoms, but if they weren’t using them it was OK. When you go to these places it’s about being somebody else. It’s a fantasy when I’m getting tucked. “Rut it’s not a fantasy— it’s me and it can’t happen anymore,” he says with determination. Finally, silence-legitimizes the misplaced notion that sexual roles can protect us. “I’m a top,” George says, “and I almost never use a condom. 1 justify that because I get tested every six months.” Darien concurs. “I usually top,” he says. “And that’s my rationale for being careless.” Yet, while it’s true that the bottom is at higher risk during anal sex, studies have shown that HIV infection has also occurred among men who report as tops only. Curiously, silence is often interpreted in polar ways. Some men take it to mean that their partner is automatically negative and therefore engage in riskier behavior. Others assume everyone is potentially positive and are responsible for the choices they make and the risks they take. Most confusingly, the same per —Darien son can often interpret silence in either way depending on the situation or who he is with. Yet, a failure to communicate can have damaging effects, both physically and emo tionally. James, a 39-year-old salesman, says: “I know a guy who is HIV-positive, and he has said that it is the responsibility of the other person to ask, not his to tell. But the guys he is with are freaking out once they find out. If you have a disease that can kill another person, you have the responsibility to tell them." Or as Eddie tells me: “I [sometimes] wonder if I’ve shared it with anyone. A couple of peo ple who I’ve slept with told me after the fact that they had HIV. We had anal intercourse. I brought it up and then they said, ‘Oh, me too.’ The guys were not wearing condoms.” Let’s talk about sex o where does all of this leave us? How can we break through the conspiracy of silence and begin communicating about HIV in a way that doesn’t inhibit the sexual experience? Atlanta-based psychologist John R. Ballew recommends that “we have the conversation S about sex in general, not just two-day workshop “Celebrating HIV.” He says we should ask: the Body Erotic" twice a year in “Where is the person in general? Portland. (The next one is in What do you like to do sexually? November. Visit www.bodyelec- How do you feel about condoms?” tnc.org). Q-LAND offers “Men W hile this may seem like an Massaging Men” on the third intimidating solution, anyone Wednesday of each month. who’s ever had phone sex knows (Visit www.qland.org.) that talking about it can be just as Another thing we can do is hot as doing it. recognize that the fear-based mes Ballew also feels we need to sages of the past don’t work any more. We must find new ways of change the focus of safer-sex edu cation. “A lot o f [the messages] conveying thoughts on safer sex. One approach is through humor. assume that semen is toxic “Blow jobs are the South African writer Steve waste,” he says. “But that just gay man’s handshake” doesn’t jibe with how most gay Quinn recently teamed up with — John R. Ballew Canadian animation producer men are about semen. W hat’s Firdaus Kharas to create a public service cam missing is the conversation about all kinds of paign starring three talking prophylactics. sex that’s completely safe, exploring someone’s body, playing with them, touching them, The aptly named Shaft, Dick and Stretch— or “Three Amigos”— have one main concern: get rather than focusing on the stuff we can’t do.” In other words, we should eroticize the ting laid. Their libidos challenge the stigma of alternatives. Organizations like Oakland, the condom itself and the reluctance some peo Calif.-based Body Electric and Portland-based ple have in using them. Queer Love Action Network for Discovery So far, 20 different ads starring “The Three teach us to do just that. Body Electric offers its Amigos” have appeared to great acclaim in South Africa and Canada. Several U.S. organi zations, universities and hospitals have request ed and received tapes. We have a long way to go toward breaking the conspiracy of silence. If, as Ballew says, “blow jobs are the gay man’s handshake,” gay and bi men need to recognize that a good-faith agreement comes with a sexual encounter— even an anonymous one. Talking about HIV and sex means recognizing our responsibility to one another. And to ourselves. j n “That’s what was turning me on, the barebacking and the fact that it was anonymous and dangerous’’ —Jeremy M UT LQ C Ä Y FLOYD S klaver is a Portland free-lance journalist. THERE ARE MORE POSITIVE THINGS IN YOUR LIFE THAN HIV. CHAT LIVE with LOCAL MEN! free Hepatitis A & B vaccine f lep.nitis A and B are highly contagious viruses that affect riie liver. 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