July 16» 2004 »
Continued from Page 22
“The messages in bars are same old,
same old. They are like the little
things they give you on airplanes.
Everybody s heard it, and
nobody pays attention to it ”
Jeremy explains: “I’ve had
unsate sex when 1 was
really drunk and it was
anonymous one-night
stands. We mer at bars or
bathhouses. | Friends) 1
was with sometimes— usu
ally not— made attempts
to protect me.
“It’s almost like 1 want to make it similar to
a fetish.” Jeremy continues. “That’s what was
tumuli' me on. the bare backing and the tact
that it was anonymous and dangerous. 1 never
asked guys not to use condoms, but if they
weren’t using them it was OK. When you go to
these places it’s about being somebody else. It’s
a fantasy when I’m getting tucked.
“Rut it’s not a fantasy— it’s me and it can’t
happen anymore,” he says with determination.
Finally, silence-legitimizes the misplaced
notion that sexual roles can protect us. “I’m a
top,” George says, “and I almost never use a
condom. 1 justify that because I get tested every
six months.”
Darien concurs. “I usually top,” he says.
“And that’s my rationale for being careless.”
Yet, while it’s true that the bottom is at
higher risk during anal sex, studies have shown
that HIV infection has also occurred among
men who report as tops only.
Curiously, silence is often interpreted in
polar ways. Some men take it to mean that
their partner is automatically negative and
therefore engage in riskier behavior. Others
assume everyone is potentially positive and are
responsible for the choices they make and the
risks they take. Most confusingly, the same per
—Darien
son can often interpret silence in either way
depending on the situation or who he is with.
Yet, a failure to communicate can have
damaging effects, both physically and emo
tionally. James, a 39-year-old salesman, says:
“I know a guy who is HIV-positive, and he
has said that it is the responsibility of the
other person to ask, not his to tell. But the
guys he is with are freaking out once they
find out. If you have a disease that can kill
another person, you have the responsibility to
tell them."
Or as Eddie tells me: “I [sometimes] wonder
if I’ve shared it with anyone. A couple of peo
ple who I’ve slept with told me after the fact
that they had HIV. We had anal intercourse.
I brought it up and then they said, ‘Oh, me
too.’ The guys were not wearing condoms.”
Let’s talk about sex
o where does all of this leave us? How
can we break through the conspiracy
of silence and begin communicating
about HIV in a way that doesn’t inhibit the
sexual experience?
Atlanta-based psychologist John R. Ballew
recommends that “we have the conversation
S
about sex in general, not just
two-day workshop “Celebrating
HIV.” He says we should ask:
the Body Erotic" twice a year in
“Where is the person in general?
Portland. (The next one is in
What do you like to do sexually?
November. Visit www.bodyelec-
How do you feel about condoms?”
tnc.org). Q-LAND offers “Men
W hile this may seem like an
Massaging Men” on the third
intimidating solution, anyone
Wednesday of each month.
who’s ever had phone sex knows
(Visit www.qland.org.)
that talking about it can be just as
Another thing we can do is
hot as doing it.
recognize that the fear-based mes
Ballew also feels we need to
sages of the past don’t work any
more. We must find new ways of
change the focus of safer-sex edu
cation. “A lot o f [the messages]
conveying thoughts on safer sex.
One approach is through humor.
assume that semen is toxic
“Blow jobs are the
South African writer Steve
waste,” he says. “But that just
gay man’s handshake”
doesn’t jibe with how most gay
Quinn recently teamed up with
— John R. Ballew
Canadian animation producer
men are about semen. W hat’s
Firdaus Kharas to create a public service cam
missing is the conversation about all kinds of
paign starring three talking prophylactics.
sex that’s completely safe, exploring someone’s
body, playing with them, touching them,
The aptly named Shaft, Dick and Stretch— or
“Three Amigos”— have one main concern: get
rather than focusing on the stuff we can’t do.”
In other words, we should eroticize the
ting laid. Their libidos challenge the stigma of
alternatives. Organizations like Oakland,
the condom itself and the reluctance some peo
Calif.-based Body Electric and Portland-based
ple have in using them.
Queer Love Action Network for Discovery
So far, 20 different ads starring “The Three
teach us to do just that. Body Electric offers its
Amigos” have appeared to great acclaim in
South Africa and Canada. Several U.S. organi
zations, universities and hospitals have request
ed and received tapes.
We have a long way to go toward breaking
the conspiracy of silence. If, as Ballew says,
“blow jobs are the gay man’s handshake,” gay
and bi men need to recognize that a good-faith
agreement comes with a sexual encounter—
even an anonymous one. Talking about HIV
and sex means recognizing our responsibility to
one another. And to ourselves. j n
“That’s what was
turning me on,
the barebacking
and the fact that
it was anonymous
and dangerous’’
—Jeremy
M UT LQ C Ä Y
FLOYD S klaver is a Portland free-lance journalist.
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