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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (May 21, 2004)
may 21.2004 * JlIS t OUt 45 HUMOR ............... ▼................. ’know, I’m getting pretty sick of opponents of same-sex marriage trotting out the argu ment about thousands of years o f tradi tion— as if they themselves have lived that long and gotten used to it that way. As far as concerned, unless you’re Shirley MacLaine or the Vampire Lestat, you’ve got no credibility. Opponents of same-sex marriage have some very gtxxJ points— unfortunately, they’re on their heads. Naturally, they thump their Bibles for evidence, conveniently forgetting other bibli cal teachings like this little gem from Deuteron omy: “A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a vir gin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be stoned to death.” Yet nowadays, the only virgins getting stoned are the Bush twins. Polygamy is also popular in the holy book. For instance, Solomon the Wise was married to 700 women; perhaps they should have called him Solomon the Exhausted. Like it or not, marriage is an ever-changing institution. U ntil the 12th century, C atholic priests were, like Solom on, allowed to have multiple wives and mistresses. But the church wanted their real estate, so in 1139 it ordered all priests to divorce. Some argue that Jesus himself was married to Mary Magdalene, but since the idea of a wedded (and bedded) Jesus invalidated the whole notion of celibacy, the church recast Mary Magdalene as Y Love and marriage I’m L’am our, l’m e rrie r a whore. I imagine her stepping out of the cave after Jesus has ascended and, like Judy Garland in A Star Is Bom , addressing the crowd by saying: “Hello, everybody. This is Mrs. Jesus Christ.” Conservative theologians call Jesus’ mar riage a “crackpot theory,” as opposed to all that logical stuff like walking on water and turning loaves into fishes. But a married Jesus explains a lot of things, particularly when you consider that his mom was also named Mary. Like lots o f good Jewish boys, Jesus married someone who reminded him of his mother. The whole idea gives me hope that one day priests may be able to marry— each other. L ikewise, many cherished wedding traditions derive from all kinds of long-discarded notions. For instance, the groom not seeing the bride before the wedding comes from the custom of arranged marriages— because if the bride was a real bowzer, the groom might bolt. Yet every time marriage changes, some pin head screams it’s the end of civilization. As late as the 1850s, politicians argued that allowing married women to own property “virtually destroys the moral and social efficacy of the marriage institution.” Sound familiar? Here’s the deal: If you don’t like the idea of gay marriage, don’t marry a gay person. Duh. Just look at what happened to Liza and David (if you dare). Liza’s lawyers argue that she was suffering from Mad Diva Disease, but does her alleged battery o f David count as a gay-bashing? (Per sonally, I don’t believe a word David Gest says. That guy puts the strange in estranged.) Meanwhile, Mattel announced that, after 40 years, Ken and Barbie have broken up. Apparently, Ken finally came out of Barbie’s dream closet. In a related story, G I Joe has been kicked out o f the military, hav ing been given a full milky discharge. Barbie has already rebounded, sporting a new look with hoop earrings, booty shorts and a deep tan, which make her look suspiciously like that exemplary role model for children, Paris Hilton. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before we see Barbie tonguing Skipper on awards shows. So it’s not same-sex couples who are threaten ing the sanctity of the institution; in the age of Britney Spears’ micro-marriage, heterosexuals are doing a fine job degrading it all by themselves. Anti-gay activists ought to amend their signs from “1 Man + 1 Woman = 1 Marriage” to “1 Man + 1 Woman = 1 Divorce.” O r at least get advice from the author of the Defense of Marriage A ct, former U .S. Rep. Bob Barr, who is a true expert on the sanctity of mar riage, having sanctified it three times himself. No, if marriage needs strength ening, perhaps it should require a test. After all, you need one to get a driver’s license. Here’s a sample question: W hen your spouse makes an illegal U -tum in an argument, what should you do? A ) Speed up. B ) Slow down. C ) Savor the inconsistency to use it against them in a future argument. For generations, queer people have moved into distressed neighborhoods and fixed them up. W ith lesbian carpenters and gay decorators, urban renewal inevitably follows. So it stands to reason that marriage, too, can be renewed when gay people are finally allowed to give it an Extreme Makeover. 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