may 21.2004 * JlIS t OUt 45
HUMOR
............... ▼.................
’know, I’m getting pretty sick of opponents
of same-sex marriage trotting out the argu
ment about thousands of years o f tradi
tion— as if they themselves have lived that
long and gotten used to it that way. As far as
concerned, unless you’re Shirley MacLaine or
the Vampire Lestat, you’ve got no credibility.
Opponents of same-sex marriage have some
very gtxxJ points— unfortunately, they’re on
their heads. Naturally, they thump their Bibles
for evidence, conveniently forgetting other bibli
cal teachings like this little gem from Deuteron
omy: “A marriage shall
be considered valid
only if the wife is a vir
gin. If the wife is not a
virgin, she shall be
stoned to death.”
Yet nowadays, the
only virgins getting
stoned are the Bush
twins.
Polygamy is also
popular in the holy
book. For instance,
Solomon the Wise was
married to 700 women;
perhaps they should
have called him Solomon the Exhausted.
Like it or not, marriage is an ever-changing
institution. U ntil the 12th century, C atholic
priests were, like Solom on, allowed to have
multiple wives and mistresses. But the church
wanted their real estate, so in 1139 it ordered
all priests to divorce.
Some argue that Jesus himself was married to
Mary Magdalene, but since the idea of a wedded
(and bedded) Jesus invalidated the whole notion
of celibacy, the church recast Mary Magdalene as
Y
Love and marriage
I’m
L’am our, l’m e rrie r
a whore. I imagine her stepping out of the cave
after Jesus has ascended and, like Judy Garland in
A Star Is Bom , addressing the crowd by saying:
“Hello, everybody. This is Mrs. Jesus Christ.”
Conservative theologians call Jesus’ mar
riage a “crackpot theory,” as opposed to all that
logical stuff like walking on water and turning
loaves into fishes.
But a married Jesus explains a lot of things,
particularly when you consider that his mom
was also named Mary. Like lots o f good Jewish
boys, Jesus married someone who reminded
him of his mother.
The whole idea gives me hope that one day
priests may be able to marry— each other.
L
ikewise, many cherished wedding traditions
derive from all kinds of long-discarded
notions. For instance, the groom not seeing
the bride before the wedding comes from the
custom of arranged marriages— because if the
bride was a real bowzer, the groom might bolt.
Yet every time marriage changes, some pin
head screams it’s the end of civilization. As late
as the 1850s, politicians argued that allowing
married women to own property “virtually
destroys the moral and social efficacy of the
marriage institution.” Sound familiar?
Here’s the deal: If you don’t like the idea of
gay marriage, don’t marry a gay person. Duh.
Just look at what happened to Liza and David
(if you dare). Liza’s lawyers argue that she was
suffering from
Mad Diva Disease,
but does her alleged
battery o f David count
as a gay-bashing? (Per
sonally, I don’t believe a
word David Gest says.
That guy puts the
strange in estranged.)
Meanwhile, Mattel
announced that, after 40 years, Ken and Barbie
have broken up. Apparently, Ken finally came
out of Barbie’s dream closet. In a related story,
G I Joe has been kicked out o f the military, hav
ing been given a full milky discharge.
Barbie has already rebounded, sporting a new
look with hoop earrings, booty shorts and a deep
tan, which make her look suspiciously like that
exemplary role model for children, Paris Hilton.
I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before we see
Barbie tonguing Skipper on awards shows.
So it’s not same-sex couples who are threaten
ing the sanctity of the institution; in the age of
Britney Spears’ micro-marriage, heterosexuals are
doing a fine job degrading it all by themselves.
Anti-gay activists ought to amend their
signs from “1 Man + 1 Woman = 1 Marriage”
to “1 Man + 1 Woman = 1 Divorce.” O r at
least get advice from the author of the Defense
of Marriage A ct, former U .S. Rep. Bob Barr,
who is a true expert on the sanctity of mar
riage, having sanctified it three times himself.
No, if marriage needs strength
ening, perhaps it should require a test. After
all, you need one to get a driver’s license.
Here’s a sample question: W hen your spouse
makes an illegal U -tum in an argument, what
should you do?
A ) Speed up.
B ) Slow down.
C ) Savor the inconsistency to use it against
them in a future argument.
For generations, queer people have moved
into distressed neighborhoods and fixed them
up. W ith lesbian carpenters and gay decorators,
urban renewal inevitably follows. So it stands
to reason that marriage, too, can be renewed
when gay people are finally allowed to give it
an Extreme Makeover.
And that, my friends, is T h e Gospel
According to Marc. |T1
M a r c A c it o ’ s first novel, How I Paid for College,
can be preordered at imuiv.marcacito.com.
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