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rm may 7, 2004 » ju st by R o ey T h orpe The IN publication for the OUT population The wedding gift Vol. 21 No. 13 Despite temporary setbacks, we’re on our way to permanent equality FEATURE F ounded 1983 • J ay B rown and R enee L a C hance May 7, 2004 TRANSITIONAL TERMS: What the T has to do with t(tTT us convinced ourselves marriage wasn’t important, because part of living elcome to the family.” T hat’s what my partner’s a happy life in an unequal world is learning to gently lower our expecta sister and brother said to me on the day we mar tions. Like many people, I believe that if you spend all your time focused ried. And although 1 already felt that I was on what you don’t have, you don’t appreciate the beauty around you. accepted as part of the family, I understood that on our wedding day, things changed. We partici But in this moment, this shining moment, we just as gently stepped pated in a ritual that is part of joining this big, loving family, a ritual over our lowered expectations and took a step into new territory. It was that meant I was clearly and irrevocably a relative for the first time: a tremendous, it was joyous, it was exhilarating. What I don’t know that sister-in-law, a daughter-in-law and, for some reason the hardest word we realized as we took that step, however, was that history is not static. for me, a wife. Stepping into it is like standing in the (Kean tide— the force of the pull, back and forth, can knock you off your feet. You don’t know where There wasn’t a dry eye in the room when we got married. I cried you’ll be pulled or where you’ll end up. That’s what’s happening now. so hard I could barely say my vows! W hen I asked Missy’s 80- something grandmother (my grandmother-in-law?) what she thought These are some very uncertain times. We have had court decisions, about her first same-sex wedding, she said, “1 didn’t know what to recall campaigns of our heroic commissioners, threats from the Legisla ture, and many of us have had uncomfortable conversa expect, but it’s not a bit different from anyone else.” 1 had to agree. We had chosen vows that we didn’t tions with people we love and thought we could count Those 3 ,000 couples realize were the same as Missy’s sister, and our wed on. Personally, I’ve never been a part of such a historic ding just seemed like any couple who decide to marry who chose to m arry moment, and I had no idea how emotional it would be. on the fly and invite family and friends to their home It has made me think differently about the other civil here in Oregon were rights movements I’ve read about and has given me new for the ceremony: spontaneous, heartfelt, lovely. for everyone involved. Everything our wedding lacked in terms of planning also choosing to make respect We knew our marriages would take love and com was more than compensated by the knowledge that mitment, and we knew we would have to show courage. we were making history. history, and our But I don’t think we had time to prepare for what It’s been two months now, and my happiness has “I do's" meant that would follow, and I don’t think we knew how vulnera become more complicated. 1 know I’m not alone in this because here at Basic Rights Oregon, we get a lot of calls we were laying our ble we would feel. It is almost unbearable to think that anyone would try to take our rights away or even that from people who, like me, are anxious. We worry over hearts on the line we might experience temporary setbacks on our way to the threats that are being made by those who want to permanent equality. take our marriages away. We have conversations with because we have the This is what I know for sure: We have a long road people who mean well but who think we should just call ahead, and we have got to stay strong. No matter what our marriages something else so we don’t offend anyone. radical notion that our happens, we will end up ahead of where we started, if We hold our breath when we hear about a new court love and commitment only because we see ourselves as equal in a way that we decision and then try to understand what it all means for never did before. This is how change happens— herky- us personally. to our partners and jerky, with no clear end point and wins and losses along Marriage is never easy, but we have a lot more to the way. Change is emotional, life-changing, nail-biting face than most newlyweds. Missy’s grandma was only families is equal to and completely irrational. Change is annoying, un partly right— our relationships aren’t so different, but our neighbors' predictable and terrifying. But change is also what our marriages are, at least for now. Those 3,000 cou makes a life worth living, what creates the memories ples who chose to marry here in Oregon were also we’ll treasure forever, what embodies our hopes and dreams, including choosing to make history, and our “ I do’s” meant that we were laying the hopes and dreams that sprang from some of our own darkest times. our hearts on the line because we have the radical notion that our We’re not going back. We made a promise that included “for bet love and commitment to our partners and families is equal to our ter or for worse,” and it’s true that our “for worse” includes all these neighbors’. threats that most couples will never face. But you know what? Most In doing so, we were taking an enormous risk, as was everyone we couples never get to know that their wedding day was important not love who supported our marriages. We risked something incredibly per only to them, hut to generations of people who might never have to sonal and huge: our happiness. Because part of the joy that was pouring settle for less than full equality. T h at’s the most precious wedding gift out of Multnomah County was about what it feels like to experience of all. j n equality, real equality. Not domestic partnership equality, not civil union equality, but marriage equality. It’s something most of us never thought R oey T horpe is the executive director o f Basic Rights Oregon. we’d see, so we didn’t spend a lot of time complaining about it. Many of NEWS NO R TH W E S T- U S Rep Dennis Kucinich of Ohio encourages queer voters to send the Democratic Party a clear message; judge issues mixed ruling on same-sex marriage; Just Out talks to Kelly Clark, attorney for the Defense of Marriage Coalition; students take action to combat harassment in schools pp 9-19 NATIONAL • North Carolina school officials censor gay student’s campaign posters; attorneys attempt “trans panic” defense 20-2T WORLD . Gay member of Parliament steals jewelry, announces leave pp 23-25 pp ARTS AND CULTURE THEATER • Confessions reveal the true story of a spiritual survivor; Mark Setlock’s two dozen characters make hundreds of happy Portlanders pp 37-39 FILM • Bianchi does Brecht in a gritty little fable from Brazil p41 WHAT'S P O P P IN '? • Foreign flicks top picks P 43 CULTURE • Event benefits law students who vow to fight discrimination p 45 DIVERSIONS • Go gay camping this summer; new queer nights; Eugene rolls out the dykes for Lesbopalooza; uncovering hidden queer film near you P 47 COLUMNS M S . BEHAVIOR • The difference between gay boys and girls ^ P 35 EPIQUEEREAN • Portland's food triangle P 40 OUT W ITH IT I • Fatty Fatty 2x4 P 47 P 49 Ballots must be returned by 8 p.m. May 18. Just Out does not make endorsements in every electoral contest. ju s t o u t is p u b lish ed on the first a n d th ird F ri d a y o f each m onth. G ipyn gh t © 2004 hy Just ( )ut. 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