rm
may 7, 2004 » ju st
by
R o ey T
h orpe
The IN publication for the OUT population
The wedding gift
Vol. 21 No. 13
Despite temporary setbacks, we’re on our way to permanent equality
FEATURE
F ounded 1983 • J ay B rown
and
R enee L a C hance
May 7, 2004
TRANSITIONAL TERMS: What the T has to do with
t(tTT
us convinced ourselves marriage wasn’t important, because part of living
elcome to the family.” T hat’s what my partner’s
a happy life in an unequal world is learning to gently lower our expecta
sister and brother said to me on the day we mar
tions. Like many people, I believe that if you spend all your time focused
ried. And although 1 already felt that I was
on what you don’t have, you don’t appreciate the beauty around you.
accepted as part of the family, I understood that
on our wedding day, things changed. We partici
But in this moment, this shining moment, we just as gently stepped
pated in a ritual that is part of joining this big, loving family, a ritual
over our lowered expectations and took a step into new territory. It was
that meant I was clearly and irrevocably a relative for the first time: a
tremendous, it was joyous, it was exhilarating. What I don’t know that
sister-in-law, a daughter-in-law and, for some reason the hardest word
we realized as we took that step, however, was that history is not static.
for me, a wife.
Stepping into it is like standing in the (Kean tide— the force of the pull,
back and forth, can knock you off your feet. You don’t know where
There wasn’t a dry eye in the room when we got married. I cried
you’ll be pulled or where you’ll end up. That’s what’s happening now.
so hard I could barely say my vows! W hen I asked Missy’s 80-
something grandmother (my grandmother-in-law?) what she thought
These are some very uncertain times. We have had court decisions,
about her first same-sex wedding, she said, “1 didn’t know what to
recall campaigns of our heroic commissioners, threats from the Legisla
ture, and many of us have had uncomfortable conversa
expect, but it’s not a bit different from anyone else.” 1
had to agree. We had chosen vows that we didn’t
tions with people we love and thought we could count
Those
3
,000
couples
realize were the same as Missy’s sister, and our wed
on. Personally, I’ve never been a part of such a historic
ding just seemed like any couple who decide to marry
who chose to m arry moment, and I had no idea how emotional it would be.
on the fly and invite family and friends to their home
It has made me think differently about the other civil
here in Oregon were rights movements I’ve read about and has given me new
for the ceremony: spontaneous, heartfelt, lovely.
for everyone involved.
Everything our wedding lacked in terms of planning
also choosing to make respect
We knew our marriages would take love and com
was more than compensated by the knowledge that
mitment, and we knew we would have to show courage.
we were making history.
history, and our
But I don’t think we had time to prepare for what
It’s been two months now, and my happiness has
“I
do's"
meant
that
would
follow, and I don’t think we knew how vulnera
become more complicated. 1 know I’m not alone in this
because here at Basic Rights Oregon, we get a lot of calls
we were laying our ble we would feel. It is almost unbearable to think that
anyone would try to take our rights away or even that
from people who, like me, are anxious. We worry over
hearts on the line
we might experience temporary setbacks on our way to
the threats that are being made by those who want to
permanent equality.
take our marriages away. We have conversations with
because
we
have
the
This is what I know for sure: We have a long road
people who mean well but who think we should just call
ahead,
and we have got to stay strong. No matter what
our marriages something else so we don’t offend anyone.
radical notion that our
happens, we will end up ahead of where we started, if
We hold our breath when we hear about a new court
love and commitment only because we see ourselves as equal in a way that we
decision and then try to understand what it all means for
never did before. This is how change happens— herky-
us personally.
to our partners and jerky,
with no clear end point and wins and losses along
Marriage is never easy, but we have a lot more to
the
way.
Change is emotional, life-changing, nail-biting
face than most newlyweds. Missy’s grandma was only
families is equal to
and completely irrational. Change is annoying, un
partly right— our relationships aren’t so different, but
our
neighbors'
predictable and terrifying. But change is also what
our marriages are, at least for now. Those 3,000 cou
makes a life worth living, what creates the memories
ples who chose to marry here in Oregon were also
we’ll treasure forever, what embodies our hopes and dreams, including
choosing to make history, and our “ I do’s” meant that we were laying
the hopes and dreams that sprang from some of our own darkest times.
our hearts on the line because we have the radical notion that our
We’re not going back. We made a promise that included “for bet
love and commitment to our partners and families is equal to our
ter or for worse,” and it’s true that our “for worse” includes all these
neighbors’.
threats that most couples will never face. But you know what? Most
In doing so, we were taking an enormous risk, as was everyone we
couples never get to know that their wedding day was important not
love who supported our marriages. We risked something incredibly per
only to them, hut to generations of people who might never have to
sonal and huge: our happiness. Because part of the joy that was pouring
settle for less than full equality. T h at’s the most precious wedding gift
out of Multnomah County was about what it feels like to experience
of all. j n
equality, real equality. Not domestic partnership equality, not civil union
equality, but marriage equality. It’s something most of us never thought
R oey T horpe is the executive director o f Basic Rights Oregon.
we’d see, so we didn’t spend a lot of time complaining about it. Many of
NEWS
NO R TH W E S T- U S Rep Dennis Kucinich of
Ohio encourages queer voters to send the
Democratic Party a clear message; judge issues
mixed ruling on same-sex marriage; Just Out
talks to Kelly Clark, attorney for the Defense of
Marriage Coalition; students take action to
combat harassment in schools
pp 9-19
NATIONAL • North Carolina school officials
censor gay student’s campaign posters;
attorneys attempt “trans panic” defense
20-2T
WORLD . Gay member of Parliament steals
jewelry, announces leave
pp 23-25
pp
ARTS AND CULTURE
THEATER • Confessions reveal the true story of a
spiritual survivor; Mark Setlock’s two dozen
characters make hundreds of happy Portlanders
pp 37-39
FILM • Bianchi does Brecht in a gritty little fable
from Brazil
p41
WHAT'S P O P P IN '? • Foreign flicks top picks
P 43
CULTURE • Event benefits law students who vow
to fight discrimination
p 45
DIVERSIONS • Go gay camping this summer;
new queer nights; Eugene rolls out the dykes for
Lesbopalooza; uncovering hidden queer film
near you
P
47
COLUMNS
M S . BEHAVIOR • The difference between gay boys
and girls
^
P 35
EPIQUEEREAN • Portland's food triangle
P 40
OUT W ITH IT I • Fatty Fatty 2x4
P
47
P 49
Ballots must be returned by 8 p.m. May 18. Just Out does not make endorsements in every electoral contest.
ju s t o u t is p u b lish ed on the first a n d th ird F ri
d a y o f each m onth. G ipyn gh t © 2004 hy Just ( )ut. N o part
o f Just Out may he reproduced without written permission from
the publisher.
The su b m issio n o f w ritten an d g rap h ic m ateri
a ls is w elcom ed. Written material should he typed and dou-
• Portland Mayor: Tom Potter
• Portland City Council, Position 1: Sam Adams
• Portland City Council, Position 4: Randy Leonard
• Multnomah County Commissioner, District 1: Maria Rojo de Steffey
• Multnomah County Commissioner, District 3: Lisa Naito
• Judge of the Supreme Court, Position 4: Rives Kistler
M T S ANB CULTURE E lfT M • Lisa Bradshaw
Timothy Krause, Adina Lepp, Andy Mangels,
Christopher McQuain, Eric Plemons, Bob Roehr,
Floyd Sklaver, Roey Thorpe, Rex Wockner
FEATTRES E M T N • Meg Daly
ADVERTISING IIRECTBR • Larry Lewis
a w m u w T M S * Marc Acito, Michael E Barrett,
Stephen Blair, Meryl Cohn, Kobe Kemple,
A lV H m S IN S REPRESENTATIVES • Kan Tate,
NEW S ED ITM • J im Radosta
p 26
THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO MARC . Straight talk
PRIMARY ELECTION ENDORSEMENTS
I H M • Marty Davis
G LB
Ashley Austin
I • Kevin Moore
ASSISTANT • Zanne dejanvier
I • Kristine Ashton, Allison Benn,
Ed Carder, Ashley Conley, Darren Linder,
S & E Distributors
ble-spaced. Just Out reserves the right to edit for grammar, punc
tuation, style, liability concerns and length. We will reject or edit
articles or advertisements that are offensive, demeaning or may
result in legal action.
Letters to the ed ito r laould he limited to 500 words. A n
nouncements regarding life transitions (births, deaths, unions,
etc.) should he limited to 200 words; photos are welcome. D ead
line for su b m issio n s < > the editorial department and for the
C alen dar IS the Thursday 15 days before the next publication
date. Views expressed in letters to the editor, columns and features
are not necessarily those of the publisher.
The d isp la y a d v e rtisin g deadlin e is the Monday 12
days hetiire the next publication date.
classified ad s must be received at the Just ( >ut office by 4 p m.
on the Thursday eight days before' the next publication date, along
with payment. Ads may be placed via the Internet with Visa or
MasterCard payment, by mail with a check, or in person at c sir office
Ad policy: lust Out reserves the right to reject or edit any
advertisement. Compensation for errors in, or cancellation of,
advertising will be made with credit toward future advertising.
Advertising rates are available upon request.
D istribution policy: lust Out is available free >4 charge, one
copy per person. Just Out is delivered only to authorized distnbu-
tors. N o person may, without prior written permission from Just
Out, take more than one copy. Any person who takes more than
one copy may be held liable for theft, including Nit not limited to
civil damages and/or criminal prosecution.
S u b scriptio n s are $22.50 for ^ is s u e s . First Class (in an
envelope) is $40 for 12 issues.
C on tact Just Out at P.O. Box 14400, Portland, O R
97291-0400; 503-236-1252, advertising 503-236-1253, fax
503-236-1257; e-mail iu.stour9justout.com. Visit our Internet site
at www.justout.com.
3