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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (March 5, 2004)
46 Ju st out • march 5 . 2004 . ______ HUM OR .............. w ' ▼ .............. Maximum exposure fell, Super Bowl Sunday has long passed, hut the mem ory of Janet Jackson’s “knocker shocker” lives What’s so naughty on— not to mention the video. Personally, I’m not surprised Jack- son exposed herself in front of chil dren— her brother has been doing it for years. And, even though I don’t t Mardi Gras, women are at a aspire to pierce my nipple with a distinct advantage. There’s Medieval apple corer, 1 do admire nothing like a cold February Ms. Jackson’s audacity. You see, in night to firm up a woman’s bosom, addition to her breast, the pop diva hut the winter chill causes men’s also revealed she has no shame. 1 like genitalia to retreat into their bodies that in a superstar—even if it makes faster than Osama bin Laden duck by Marc Acito her lcx)k like a pole dancer. ing into a cave. There’s something wrong with a country Ever resourceful, BoBo thought to pre that expresses outrage at seeing a boob on the serve his largesse by means of a ring, and I boob tube hut thinks nothing of watching 22 don’t mean the kind gay couples are boobs pummel each other for hours on end. exchanging in San Francisco. But these (Why is gratuitous violence OK, hut not gratu preparations made him late to meet me. “I itous sex?) So, in honor of the Breast in Show, would have been on time,” he explained, 1 decided to indulge in some public wardrobe "hut just as I was getting it the right size my malfunctioning myself. And what better time mother called.” to do it than Mardi Gras? He exhibited his handiwork by flashing me, The term “Mardi Gras” is French for Fat and I reciprocated, giving new meaning to the Tuesday, marking the last day Catholics can term “double header.” Together we toured a gorge themselves before giving up meat and number of gay bars, and by last call we had fats for Lent. In Italy, it’s called “Cam evale,” inspected more meat than the U.S. Depart which literally means “meat (cam e) goes ment of Agriculture. (va),” hut with so many of us on Atkins, it’s But we didn’t stop there. Being Catholic, should he “Carbovale.” BoBo and I wanted to celebrate both the Nowadays the whole thing has degenerated sacred and the profane, and so the next day we went to Ash Wednesday services. We chose into a dnmken bacchanal in which you expose yourself to strangers in exchange for plastic the Express Mass, which is for 10 sins or less, beads. It’s kind of like being George Michael and we were in and out in a brisk 28 minutes. I hut without the entrapment And my friend guess the priests want to get through Mass as BoBo and I were more eager to earn heads than quickly as they can before someone slaps the Indians who sold Manhattan. I another lawsuit on them. The Gospel According to M arc A about our naughty bits? I received an especially heavy smudge on my forehead this year and was pleased when BoBo told me I had a nice ash. In the spirit of the Catholic martyrs, I didn’t wash it off all day hut, instead, risked acne in the T-Zone (because that’s the kind of devout Catholic I am). The point of this story is that believe there is a place for exposing the human body in public life, despite the opinion of Attorney Generalissimo John Ashcroft, who spent $8,000 of taxpayer money to cover up the wardrobe malfunction of an 18-fixn statue. (Ironically, it’s called “The Spirit of Justice.”) I swear, Ashcroft is so uptight he can’t even kxik at a chicken breast. A s far as I can see, Janet’s “Nipplegate” is simply a tempest in a C-cup. It reminds me of the misplaced outrage vented at Bill Clinton. Here we had a president who lied about a relationship (or, perhaps I should say, “fellationship” ) and nearly got kicked out o f office. Now we have a leader who lied about a war and stands a gcxxl chance of getting re-elected. I ask you, which is worse: screwing an intern or screw ing the country? I’ve never understood the uproar over Bill’s philandering. O f i course he lied about it. Hello! He was cheating on his wife. Besides, I’ve always assumed that get ting a little on the side was a presidential perk, like flying on Air Force One or never having to carry a wallet. I mean, what’s the point of N being •J 1* leader of the free world if you can’t get a little tail? In a culture that tolerates a war based solely on weapons of mass distraction, I prefer to fcxrus on weapons of mass attraction. So to Janet Jackson, all 1 can say is, “Thanks for the mammary.” And that, my friends, is The Gospel According to Marc. JH M arc A cito ’ s novel, How I Paid for College, will be published in September. Write him at marc@marcacito.com. The Portland Spirit presents STORM ON THE STAR Portland’s favorite “Loungecore” act *s n e w e s t, c le a n e s t c l u b a n d b a th . Screen video Sling Room Steam room in PDX Play Room E>J Music Friday, Boarding at 1045pm/Cruising 11:00pm to 1:30am Portland S16 advance/$20 at door (Adults 21+ only) Holes Blvd. Portland, OR 97232 503.736.9999 . M e m b e r s h ip req u ire d $8 one-time hors d’oeuvre buffet Book today—seating is limited! C a l l (8 0 0 ) 2 2 4 - 3 9 0 1 or ( 503) 2 2 4 - 3 9 0 0 Visit www.portlandspirit.com
