46 Ju st
out • march 5 . 2004
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HUM OR
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Maximum exposure
fell, Super Bowl Sunday has
long passed, hut the mem
ory of Janet Jackson’s
“knocker shocker” lives
What’s so naughty
on— not to mention the video.
Personally, I’m not surprised Jack-
son exposed herself in front of chil
dren— her brother has been doing it
for years. And, even though I don’t
t Mardi Gras, women are at a
aspire to pierce my nipple with a
distinct advantage. There’s
Medieval apple corer, 1 do admire
nothing like a cold February
Ms. Jackson’s audacity. You see, in
night to firm up a woman’s bosom,
addition to her breast, the pop diva
hut the winter chill causes men’s
also revealed she has no shame. 1 like
genitalia to retreat into their bodies
that in a superstar—even if it makes
faster than Osama bin Laden duck
by Marc Acito
her lcx)k like a pole dancer.
ing into a cave.
There’s something wrong with a country
Ever resourceful, BoBo thought to pre
that expresses outrage at seeing a boob on the
serve his largesse by means of a ring, and I
boob tube hut thinks nothing of watching 22
don’t mean the kind gay couples are
boobs pummel each other for hours on end.
exchanging in San Francisco. But these
(Why is gratuitous violence OK, hut not gratu
preparations made him late to meet me. “I
itous sex?) So, in honor of the Breast in Show,
would have been on time,” he explained,
1 decided to indulge in some public wardrobe
"hut just as I was getting it the right size my
malfunctioning myself. And what better time
mother called.”
to do it than Mardi Gras?
He exhibited his handiwork by flashing me,
The term “Mardi Gras” is French for Fat
and I reciprocated, giving new meaning to the
Tuesday, marking the last day Catholics can
term “double header.” Together we toured a
gorge themselves before giving up meat and
number of gay bars, and by last call we had
fats for Lent. In Italy, it’s called “Cam evale,”
inspected more meat than the U.S. Depart
which literally means “meat (cam e) goes
ment of Agriculture.
(va),” hut with so many of us on Atkins, it’s
But we didn’t stop there. Being Catholic,
should he “Carbovale.”
BoBo and I wanted to celebrate both the
Nowadays the whole thing has degenerated
sacred and the profane, and so the next day we
went to Ash Wednesday services. We chose
into a dnmken bacchanal in which you expose
yourself to strangers in exchange for plastic
the Express Mass, which is for 10 sins or less,
beads. It’s kind of like being George Michael
and we were in and out in a brisk 28 minutes. I
hut without the entrapment And my friend
guess the priests want to get through Mass as
BoBo and I were more eager to earn heads than
quickly as they can before someone slaps
the Indians who sold Manhattan.
I another lawsuit on them.
The Gospel
According
to M arc
A
about our naughty bits?
I received an especially heavy smudge on
my forehead this year and was pleased when
BoBo told me I had a nice ash. In the spirit
of the Catholic martyrs, I didn’t wash it
off all day hut, instead, risked acne in the
T-Zone (because that’s the kind of
devout Catholic I am).
The point of this story is that
believe there is a place for exposing the
human
body in
public
life,
despite the
opinion of
Attorney
Generalissimo
John Ashcroft, who
spent $8,000 of taxpayer
money to cover up the
wardrobe malfunction of an
18-fixn statue. (Ironically,
it’s called “The Spirit of
Justice.”) I swear, Ashcroft is
so uptight he can’t even kxik at
a chicken breast.
A s far as I can see, Janet’s
“Nipplegate” is simply a tempest
in a C-cup. It reminds me of the
misplaced outrage vented at Bill
Clinton. Here we had a president who
lied about a relationship (or, perhaps I
should say, “fellationship” ) and nearly got
kicked out o f office. Now we have a leader
who lied about a war and stands a gcxxl
chance of getting re-elected. I ask you,
which is worse: screwing an intern or screw
ing the country?
I’ve never understood
the uproar over Bill’s
philandering. O f
i course he lied about it.
Hello! He was cheating
on his wife. Besides, I’ve
always assumed that get
ting a little on the side
was a presidential perk,
like flying on Air Force One
or never having to carry a wallet.
I mean, what’s
the point of
N being
•J 1* leader of
the free
world if you
can’t get a
little tail?
In a
culture
that tolerates a war based solely on
weapons of mass distraction, I prefer to
fcxrus on weapons of mass attraction. So
to Janet Jackson, all 1 can say is, “Thanks
for the mammary.”
And that, my friends, is The Gospel
According to Marc. JH
M arc A cito ’ s novel, How I Paid for
College, will be published in September.
Write him at marc@marcacito.com.
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