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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Jan. 9, 2004)
¡anua/y 9. 2QÛ4 • J mat M t ^ g HUMOR 2003: The year in review ooking back on the past 12 months I’m pleased to see that in addition to writing about the various ephemera of gay life (just how does Carson spell “jeuje”?) I also weighed in on the issues that made 2003 the biggest Since nothing irritates me more year in homo history: the Texas, than Hollywood celebs waiting to Canada and Massachusetts court come out until no one cares, decisions, the election of a gay I drove out to an observatory to see Episcopal bishop and, of course, some real stars and get a lixik at Liza’s divorce. the red planet. W hich pressing issue generated W hat a waste. For all I knew, the most reader mail, you ask? My I could have been looking at a guy hair. across the parking lot holding a by Mane Acito In what is surely the gayest year flashlight. To say that Mars was ever, that has got to he about the closer to Earth was like driving gayest thing I’ve ever heard. from New Jersey to Delaware and announcing OK, I asked for it. I was in need of tonsoria! you’re closer to the equator. advice, and dozens of you voted at None of that dampened the undeniable fact MarcAcito.com. Yet, despite my best efforts to that 2003 was the Year of the Queer. convince you that long hair was the grcx>ming In a sure sign we’ve arrived, Comedy C en choice of gay liberation, readers voted 4-to-l in tral announced its own version of Queer Eye ferr favor of the close-cropped “Ckxmey.” the Straight Guy called Straight Plan far the Gay W ho am I to argue with the will of the Man. Each week, a group of sloppy straight people? I cut it off. guys called “T he Flab Four” will descend on Also in the mailbag, one reader subm itted some hapless homo, presumably to redecorate this opinion regarding the induction of the his house with a milk crate coffee table and gay bishop: “I’m just thankful th at the teach him how to belch on cue. church’s founder, Henry VIII, and his wives As someone who regularly relies on my C atherine of Aragon, A nne Bolcyn, Jane straight neighbors for advice on such matters as Seymour, A nne of Cleeves, C atherin e where to buy tires (thanks Coo! Neighbor David), Howard and C ath erin e Parr are no longer 1 hope they’ll pick me for the show, if only to get alive to suffer this latest assault on C hristian someone to finally clean out my gutters. values.” A m en, sister. In other news, Mars came closer to Earth (H iking ahead, however, there is still much than it has in nearly 60,000 years while both to be done. Richard Cham berlain and Tab H unter finally For instance, an Iowa judge recently came out after nearly the same length of time. got in a heap of trouble for granting a divorce Notes from the Marchive The Gospel According to M arc to a lesbian couple who were joined in a Ver mont civil union. Republican opponents claim the divorce is a tacit recognition of the couple’s union or, as 1 like to call it, “reality.” I assume the next step will he the Defense of Divorce Ordinance, or DODO, affirming that divorce can only occur between a man and a woman. W inner of this year’s DODO Award goes S') to U.S. Sen. John Kerry, the Democratic presidential can didate who said, “Marriage is an institution between men and women for the purpose of having children,” despite the fact that he himself is in a childless marriage. And in Louisiana, a 7-year-old boy was A o * \ sent to the princi pal’s office when he admitted to a class mate that his moms are fjCÖ' cf* •ss* gay. In detention the child was forced to repeatedly write, “I will never use the word ‘gay’ in school again." I’m sorry, but something is definitely wrong when kids in rural schools are more open and courageous than celebrities in Hollywcxxj. Ltxtk at it this way. Imagine it’s 1963. You’re a black actor on a sitcom, and the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. calls: “Hey, I’m doing this March tin Washington for civil rights, and I’m going to do this ‘I Have a Dream’ speech, and I want you there.” And you say, “Sorry, Marty baby, I’d love to, but it might jeopardize my sitcom.” History does not look kindly on such a person. Personally, I think the reason more readers wrote about my hair than any other issue is that gays have the Makeover Gene, the biological predisposition to improve things. And wherever we’re working our makeover magic, things are improving— be it in the courts, the churches or the schixils. 2003 was a stellar year for the history of civil rights, but I hope that in 2004, the stars will finally come out. And that, my friends, is The Gospel According to Marc. J H MARC A ci TO s first novel, How I Paid for College, will be published in September. P hoto by Daniel lohns Suit by Mario's The Portland Spirit presents WADE McCOLLUM “M cCollum is brilliant." Star o f Batboy and Hedwig and The Angry Inch -T he Oregonian V l W N N O S m Y\ Northwest’s newest, cleanest hottest men’ s club and bath. Hot Tub w/Large Screen video FAjblic or FYivate Sling Room Largest Steamroom in FDX Friday, January 16th, 23rd and 30th Boarding at 10:45 pm/Cruising 11:00 pm to 1:30am • New Dark Ray Room MW $16 advance purchase (Adults 21+ only) $ 2 0 at the door $8 one-time hors d’oeuvre buffet C all ( 8 0 0 ) 2 2 4 - 3 90 1 or (503) 2 2 4 - 3 9 0 0 Visit www.portlandspirit.com • Hottest DJ Music • Video Lounge • Free Internet m 2885 NE Sandy Blvd. Portland, OR 97232 Info Line 503.736 9999 www stoamportl and com Must beat least 18. Membership required
