¡anua/y 9. 2QÛ4 • J mat M t ^ g
HUMOR
2003: The year in review
ooking back on the past 12
months I’m pleased to see that
in addition to writing about
the various ephemera of gay
life (just how does Carson spell
“jeuje”?) I also weighed in on the
issues that made 2003 the biggest
Since nothing irritates me more
year in homo history: the Texas,
than Hollywood celebs waiting to
Canada and Massachusetts court
come out until no one cares,
decisions, the election of a gay
I drove out to an observatory to see
Episcopal bishop and, of course,
some real stars and get a lixik at
Liza’s divorce.
the red planet.
W hich pressing issue generated
W hat a waste. For all I knew,
the most reader mail, you ask? My
I could have been looking at a guy
hair.
across the parking lot holding a
by Mane Acito
In what is surely the gayest year
flashlight. To say that Mars was
ever, that has got to he about the
closer to Earth was like driving
gayest thing I’ve ever heard.
from New Jersey to Delaware and announcing
OK, I asked for it. I was in need of tonsoria!
you’re closer to the equator.
advice, and dozens of you voted at
None of that dampened the undeniable fact
MarcAcito.com. Yet, despite my best efforts to
that 2003 was the Year of the Queer.
convince you that long hair was the grcx>ming
In a sure sign we’ve arrived, Comedy C en
choice of gay liberation, readers voted 4-to-l in
tral announced its own version of Queer Eye ferr
favor of the close-cropped “Ckxmey.”
the Straight Guy called Straight Plan far the Gay
W ho am I to argue with the will of the
Man. Each week, a group of sloppy straight
people? I cut it off.
guys called “T he Flab Four” will descend on
Also in the mailbag, one reader subm itted
some hapless homo, presumably to redecorate
this opinion regarding the induction of the
his house with a milk crate coffee table and
gay bishop: “I’m just thankful th at the
teach him how to belch on cue.
church’s founder, Henry VIII, and his wives
As someone who regularly relies on my
C atherine of Aragon, A nne Bolcyn, Jane
straight neighbors for advice on such matters as
Seymour, A nne of Cleeves, C atherin e
where to buy tires (thanks Coo! Neighbor David),
Howard and C ath erin e Parr are no longer
1 hope they’ll pick me for the show, if only to get
alive to suffer this latest assault on C hristian
someone to finally clean out my gutters.
values.” A m en, sister.
In other news, Mars came closer to Earth
(H iking ahead, however, there is still much
than it has in nearly 60,000 years while both
to be done.
Richard Cham berlain and Tab H unter finally
For instance, an Iowa judge recently
came out after nearly the same length of time.
got in a heap of trouble for granting a divorce
Notes from the Marchive
The Gospel
According
to M arc
to a lesbian couple who were joined in a Ver
mont civil union. Republican opponents claim
the divorce is a tacit recognition of the couple’s
union or, as 1 like to call it, “reality.”
I assume the next step will he the Defense
of Divorce Ordinance, or DODO,
affirming that divorce can
only occur
between a
man and
a woman.
W inner of
this year’s
DODO
Award goes
S')
to U.S. Sen.
John Kerry, the
Democratic
presidential can
didate who said,
“Marriage is an
institution between
men and women for
the purpose of having
children,” despite the
fact that he himself is
in a childless marriage.
And in Louisiana,
a 7-year-old boy was
A o * \
sent to the princi
pal’s office when he
admitted to a class
mate that his moms are
fjCÖ'
cf*
•ss*
gay. In detention the child was forced to
repeatedly write, “I will never use the word
‘gay’ in school again."
I’m sorry, but something is definitely wrong
when kids in rural schools are more open and
courageous than celebrities in Hollywcxxj.
Ltxtk at it this way. Imagine it’s 1963. You’re
a black actor on a sitcom, and the Rev. Martin
Luther King Jr. calls: “Hey, I’m doing this March
tin Washington for civil rights, and I’m going to
do this ‘I Have a Dream’ speech,
and I want you there.” And you
say, “Sorry, Marty baby, I’d love to,
but it might jeopardize my sitcom.”
History does not look kindly
on such a person.
Personally, I think the reason
more readers wrote about my
hair than any other issue is that
gays have the Makeover Gene,
the biological predisposition
to improve things. And
wherever we’re working our
makeover magic, things are
improving— be it in the
courts, the churches or
the schixils.
2003 was a stellar
year for the history of
civil rights, but I
hope that in 2004,
the stars will finally
come out.
And that, my
friends, is The Gospel
According to Marc. J H
MARC A ci TO s first novel, How I Paid for
College, will be published in September.
P hoto by Daniel lohns
Suit by Mario's
The Portland Spirit
presents
WADE
McCOLLUM
“M cCollum is brilliant."
Star o f Batboy and Hedwig
and The Angry Inch
-T he Oregonian
V l W N N O S m Y\
Northwest’s newest, cleanest
hottest men’ s club and bath.
Hot Tub w/Large Screen video
FAjblic or FYivate Sling Room
Largest Steamroom in FDX
Friday, January 16th, 23rd and 30th
Boarding at 10:45 pm/Cruising 11:00 pm to 1:30am
• New Dark Ray Room
MW
$16 advance purchase (Adults 21+ only)
$ 2 0 at the door
$8 one-time hors d’oeuvre buffet
C all ( 8 0 0 ) 2 2 4 - 3 90 1 or (503) 2 2 4 - 3 9 0 0
Visit www.portlandspirit.com
• Hottest DJ Music
• Video Lounge
• Free Internet
m
2885 NE Sandy Blvd. Portland, OR 97232
Info Line 503.736 9999
www stoamportl and com
Must beat least 18. Membership required