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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Oct. 3, 2003)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ October 3. 2003 • jM f t M t , 17 i7TTIiiTTiw77ineit;s A bout 24 years ago, Debbie and Sandra Knudsen were married for better or for worse. And while the union has had its vic Groups create an environment of support and education tories and struggles like any other, their individual journeys have made their for trans people and their partners by Eric Plemons partnership extraordinary. Just two years into their young marriage, Debbie returned home after a weekend away experience. “There was no and discovered a woman’s nightgown slung place for Debbie at all when I across her bed. She was angry and hurt, suspect stared transitioning,” Sandra ing infidelity. When she confronted her hus remembers. band, he offered a life-changing confession. The When Sandra became a nightgown did not belong to an imaginary mis hoard member of the annual tress; it belonged to him. Esprit convention in Port Growing up as a young hoy in South Dakota, Angeles, Wash., Debbie Sandra knew she was different. As a child she worked with organizer San dra Cole to build a Signifi nonchalantly announced at the dinner table cant Other program. “Esprit that she wanted to have a sex-change operation. Horrified, her mother sent her to spend hours in was nice, hut it only lasted for a ministers office, hoping the fear of God would a week. It just wasn’t long cure her son’s gender trouble. It didn’t. enough,” she says. Sandra grew up feeling that she was a Early this year, the woman hut knowing that her feelings had to he church the Knudsens regu kept secret. larly attend announced that it was open to starting new After confessing her desire to cross-dress to Debbie, Sandra was able to wear women’s cloth groups. The couple decided ing in the house on a limited basis. Finally, near that since the support net ly two decades after she had first begun her gen work they were seeking did der exploration with Debbie, Sandra was able to not exist, they would create identify herself as transgendered. their own. Sandra had pre Initially, Debbie struggled with the changes viously worked to have gen she saw in her partner. “Sandra was really excit der identity included in the ed, and I felt like I was the roadblock. I just open and affirming state wasn’t ready to say, ‘Oh, I love that wig!’ I had ment at the church, and its to step hack and take time for myself. I was leaders are openly queer, so thinking, ‘Who is this person, and where did she was confident that they my husband go?’ ” would provide a welcome After waiting her whole life to live in the meeting space for all people. world as a woman, Sandra was anxious to In February, TransFamilies change her appearance and begin her new life. began to meet at First Con- By sharing their success story, Debbie (left) and Sandra Knudsen The hardest lesson she learned, and the advice gregational United Church of give hope to other people dealing with similar challenges she most often offers to oth Christ in the ers in transition, is one of Park Blcx:ks. Debbie wanted struggling with Sandra’s emerging identity, "People hove a right South patience. “You’ve got to he to create an environment of support then realizing: “I was drawn to her as a sensi as slow as a snail. You know and education for families and tive person. I couldn’t ask her to he a macho to have a negative where you want to he; you’ve friends of trans people. man when that sensitivity drew me to her in attitude. They may been thinking of it your “ I try to bring in pertinent com- the first place.” whole life. But you’ve got to munity news,” she says. “After that She witnesses many strong emotions in her never accept it, give (your partner] time to it is a freeform, confidential, open group. "People have a right to have a negative catch up.” but I hope session for people to talk about just attitude. They may never accept it, hut I hope Searching for resources about anything. Common topics they’ll come to peace with it.” they'll conie and education, Debbie include how to come out about Christa-M argaret N elson, an active joined Sandra at meetings of your trans partner to family mem- church member and a trans woman, attended to peace with it. Northwest Gender Alliance hers, fear of reactions and how to he an early meeting of TransFamilies. Though —Debbie Knudsen anally to your trans partner or trans she was not partnered at the time, she feels in Portland. Though Debbie was well received at the friends in the world.” the information and support offered in the functions, no other partners were there. Debbie understands that not every story group would have been invaluable to her past NW GA was not interested in starting a group will end as happily as hers. But though she is relationships. for families and partners of traas folks, and l \ ‘h- Sandra’s greatest supporter now, it was not “There are so many things you get drug into hie was searching for other people who shared her always so easy for her. Debbie remembers when you become involved with a trans per- S upport S ystem OUR PLANTS ARE 6 O N THE KINSEY SCALE You...A Good Singer who likes all styles of music and fun performances! 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In May, Sandra decided to facilitate a second group, TransCircle, specifically for trans people. Debbie feels the split is beneficial to Huh groups. “The beginning of a transition is a stress ful few months. There is lots of sharing to do. I want family members to have a free voice. It also allows trans folks a trans-only space.” Nelson also found the separate groups to he a positive change. “It is important fffr fam ilies and partners to feel comfortable without the trans person there so they can talk with out being worried aHxit offending anyone," she says. It is also a Nxm that the groups meet at the same time, just one dixu away. “It creates an opportunity for a rrans person and their partner to come to different groups at the same time. Sometimes toward the end of a meeting, the groups join so that we can share information or ask questions,” Debbie says. “People have hope for their families’ acceptance when they hear success stories.” Sandra adds: "TransCircle is a place for trans people to discuss family, transitioning, work issues, etc. We are all there to learn from others’ experiences. It is nice to he in a rixim full of transgendered people. We have so much in common, even if we are completely different in other ways.” These meetings have given the Knudsens an opportunity to share their unique experiences with other people dealing with similar chal lenges. The couple feel Sandra’s transition was not just a process that she went through hut one that they each experienced as individuals, together. “Come down, we’re glad to have you,” Deb bie says with a warm smile on her face. “We wel come anyone with questions— partners, kids, friends. Education is really important. People find out that it really is not a scary thing." JH and T r a n s F a m i l i e s hold accessible, confidential and free meetings I p.m. on the third Saturday of every month (except October) at First Cimgregatumal United Church of Christ, 1126 S.W. Park A t*. T rans C ir c l e E r ic : P L E M O N S is a Portland free-lance water. ‘IT’S ALL IN YOUR H EAD’ TRAIN YOUR BRAIN. CHANGE YOUR LIFE. 7 h a v e to d a te lost 2 2 lbs a n d a m o ff Zoloft A ll thanks to you. You a re a g o d d e s s ." -Don Clarkson. 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