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October 3. 2003 • jM f t M t , 17
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A
bout 24 years ago, Debbie and
Sandra Knudsen were married
for better or for worse. And
while the union has had its vic
Groups create an environment of support and education
tories and struggles like any
other, their individual journeys have made their
for trans people and their partners by Eric Plemons
partnership extraordinary.
Just two years into their young marriage,
Debbie returned home after a weekend away experience. “There was no
and discovered a woman’s nightgown slung
place for Debbie at all when I
across her bed. She was angry and hurt, suspect stared transitioning,” Sandra
ing infidelity. When she confronted her hus remembers.
band, he offered a life-changing confession. The
When Sandra became a
nightgown did not belong to an imaginary mis hoard member of the annual
tress; it belonged to him.
Esprit convention in Port
Growing up as a young hoy in South Dakota,
Angeles, Wash., Debbie
Sandra knew she was different. As a child she
worked with organizer San
dra Cole to build a Signifi
nonchalantly announced at the dinner table
cant Other program. “Esprit
that she wanted to have a sex-change operation.
Horrified, her mother sent her to spend hours in
was nice, hut it only lasted for
a ministers office, hoping the fear of God would
a week. It just wasn’t long
cure her son’s gender trouble. It didn’t.
enough,” she says.
Sandra grew up feeling that she was a
Early this year, the
woman hut knowing that her feelings had to he church the Knudsens regu
kept secret.
larly attend announced that
it was open to starting new
After confessing her desire to cross-dress to
Debbie, Sandra was able to wear women’s cloth groups. The couple decided
ing in the house on a limited basis. Finally, near that since the support net
ly two decades after she had first begun her gen work they were seeking did
der exploration with Debbie, Sandra was able to
not exist, they would create
identify herself as transgendered.
their own. Sandra had pre
Initially, Debbie struggled with the changes
viously worked to have gen
she saw in her partner. “Sandra was really excit der identity included in the
ed, and I felt like I was the roadblock. I just
open and affirming state
wasn’t ready to say, ‘Oh, I love that wig!’ I had
ment at the church, and its
to step hack and take time for myself. I was
leaders are openly queer, so
thinking, ‘Who is this person, and where did
she was confident that they
my husband go?’ ”
would provide a welcome
After waiting her whole life to live in the
meeting space for all people.
world as a woman, Sandra was anxious to
In February, TransFamilies
change her appearance and begin her new life.
began to meet at First Con- By sharing their success story, Debbie (left) and Sandra Knudsen
The hardest lesson she learned, and the advice
gregational United Church of give hope to other people dealing with similar challenges
she most often offers to oth
Christ in the
ers in transition, is one of
Park Blcx:ks. Debbie wanted struggling with Sandra’s emerging identity,
"People hove a right South
patience. “You’ve got to he
to create an environment of support
then realizing: “I was drawn to her as a sensi
as slow as a snail. You know
and education for families and
tive person. I couldn’t ask her to he a macho
to have a negative
where you want to he; you’ve
friends of trans people.
man when that sensitivity drew me to her in
attitude.
They
may
been thinking of it your
“ I try to bring in pertinent com-
the first place.”
whole life. But you’ve got to
munity
news,”
she
says.
“After
that
She witnesses many strong emotions in her
never accept it,
give (your partner] time to
it is a freeform, confidential, open group. "People have a right to have a negative
catch up.”
but I hope
session for people to talk about just attitude. They may never accept it, hut I hope
Searching for resources
about anything. Common topics they’ll come to peace with it.”
they'll conie
and education,
Debbie
include how to come out about
Christa-M argaret N elson, an active
joined Sandra at meetings of
your trans partner to family mem- church member and a trans woman, attended
to peace with it.
Northwest Gender Alliance
hers, fear of reactions and how to he an early meeting of TransFamilies. Though
—Debbie Knudsen anally to your trans partner or trans she was not partnered at the time, she feels
in Portland. Though Debbie
was well received at the
friends in the world.”
the information and support offered in the
functions, no other partners were there.
Debbie understands that not every story group would have been invaluable to her past
NW GA was not interested in starting a group
will end as happily as hers. But though she is relationships.
for families and partners of traas folks, and l \ ‘h- Sandra’s greatest supporter now, it was not
“There are so many things you get drug into
hie was searching for other people who shared her always so easy for her. Debbie remembers when you become involved with a trans per-
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son,” she says. She recalls a powerful discussion
focused on the ways that transition affects the
nontrans partner. “One participant reflected on
how her partner’s trans identity influenced her
own queer identity and self-concept. I had never
heard these kinds of conversations happening in
that way before.”
TransFamilies filled a much greater need in
the community than the Knudsens anticipated.
Many trans-identified people began to attend
the group along with family members, or on
their own. In May, Sandra decided to facilitate
a second group, TransCircle, specifically for
trans people.
Debbie feels the split is beneficial to Huh
groups. “The beginning of a transition is a stress
ful few months. There is lots of sharing to do. I
want family members to have a free voice. It also
allows trans folks a trans-only space.”
Nelson also found the separate groups to
he a positive change. “It is important fffr fam
ilies and partners to feel comfortable without
the trans person there so they can talk with
out being worried aHxit offending anyone,"
she says.
It is also a Nxm that the groups meet at the
same time, just one dixu away. “It creates an
opportunity for a rrans person and their partner
to come to different groups at the same time.
Sometimes toward the end of a meeting, the
groups join so that we can share information or
ask questions,” Debbie says. “People have hope
for their families’ acceptance when they hear
success stories.”
Sandra adds: "TransCircle is a place for trans
people to discuss family, transitioning, work
issues, etc. We are all there to learn from others’
experiences. It is nice to he in a rixim full of
transgendered people. We have so much in
common, even if we are completely different in
other ways.”
These meetings have given the Knudsens an
opportunity to share their unique experiences
with other people dealing with similar chal
lenges. The couple feel Sandra’s transition was
not just a process that she went through hut one
that they each experienced as individuals,
together.
“Come down, we’re glad to have you,” Deb
bie says with a warm smile on her face. “We wel
come anyone with questions— partners, kids,
friends. Education is really important. People
find out that it really is not a scary thing." JH
and T r a n s F a m i l i e s hold
accessible, confidential and free meetings I p.m. on
the third Saturday of every month (except October)
at First Cimgregatumal United Church of Christ,
1126 S.W. Park A t*.
T
rans
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ir c l e
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