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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (June 6, 2003)
jurifi fi. 2003 * Just out 51 HUMOR ................T................. Beaslie boy H ere’s what U.S. Sen. Rick “Sanctimony” Santorum said: “If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual [gay] sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything.” Well, actually, no. If the Supreme Court says you have the right to consensual gay sex within your home, then that means you have the right to consensual gay sex within your home. I mean, duh. A nd for the record, bigamy and polygamy are legal (not sexual) arrangements, incest doesn’t involve consenting adults, and (hello?) adultery actually is a protected right, one that is frequent ly enjoyed by several members of Congress. Whew. I feel better now. I find it ironic that a man whose name derives from the Latin sanctorum, meaning an inviolably private space, should be so eager to violate the private space of U.S. citizens. It’s not just bigoted and un-American; it’s down right evil. A nd while we’re on the subject, here’s what else the dishonorable gentleman from Pennsyl vania had to say: “T he definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included hom o sexuality. T h a t’s not to pick on homosexuality. It’s not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be.” Ah, the old bestiality argument. I’ve always found it odd that our opponents are obsessed with the subject. I mean, I know plenty of queers who treat their animals like they’re people, but that doesn’t mean we, y’know, boff them. So just who are these animal fornicators the senator is so worried about? A cting on an The Dishonorable Rick Santorum THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO MARC by M arc Acito anonymous tip, I decided to track down the most notorious bestialists of all. I’m speaking, of course, about W ilbur and Mr. Ed. sat down recently with W ilbur Post to ask what first attracted him to the famous talking horse. “I don’t know, we just had a natural chemistry together,” he said, “like Tracy and Hepburn. So much of that witty banter was us just ad-libbing. A nd you couldn’t deny that Ed was, w ell...hung like a horse.” “How did your family react V' “They were upset, naturally. My mother cried and asked me why I couldn’t at least have chosen a female horse. But my father was more philosophical. He pulled me aside and said: ‘Wilbur, when I was a boy, we may have slept with the sheep, but we didn’t marry them. Back then, it was just Wham, bam, thank you lamb.’ ” W ilbur went on to tell how rom antic it was at first: carriage rides through the park with Ed pulling the carriage, lingering in cafes over espresso and sugar cubes. But eventually the bloom came off the rose— mainly because Ed ate it. I “We were out dancing in a club and Ed got carried away doing the Pony and broke his leg,” W ilbur said, his voice quivering with emotion. “But the worst part was that the vet erinary hospital wouldn’t allow me to shoot him because I wasn’t family." Wilbur looked away, tears streaming down his face. “I got to keep the remains, though,” he said. “T hey’re a great comfort to me.” He pointed to a bottle of Elmer’s Glue on the mantle. “So you see, Sen. Santorum ’s right. W e’re just like gay people. Ours was the love that dare not speak its mane.” I pondered his point for a moment. “Nice try, Wilbur," I said, “but it’s just not the same. A horse is a horse.” He nodded sadly. “O f course, of course.” torum, but I know he won’t listen. After all, he met with the good folks of PFLAG and insult ed them by refusing to apologize. So I’ve decid ed to form a new homo political action com mittee just to raise funds for his next opponent. I’m calling it the Fudge PAC. I’m sorry, but it’s time for this pinhead to go. Santorum leads the Senate opposition to late-term abortions, tried to sneak creationism into an education bill and defended Trent Lott’s comments about Strom Thurmond. He even called Lott “a man of tremendous integrity” and said he did not view Thurmond, who ran for president in 1948 on a segrega tionist platform, as a segregationist. W hich just goes to prove that Santorum ’s wife, Karen, honored last year as “Homemaker of the Year" by homo hater Phyllis Schlafly, is something of a bestialist herself. After all, she’s been having sex with a horse’s ass for years. 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