jurifi fi. 2003 * Just out 51
HUMOR
................T.................
Beaslie boy
H
ere’s what U.S. Sen. Rick “Sanctimony”
Santorum said: “If the Supreme Court
says that you have the right to consensual
[gay] sex within your home, then you
have the right to bigamy, you have the right to
polygamy, you have the right to incest, you
have the right to adultery. You have the right
to anything.”
Well, actually, no. If the Supreme Court
says you have the right to consensual gay sex
within your home, then that means you have
the right to consensual gay sex within your
home. I mean, duh.
A nd for the record, bigamy and polygamy are
legal (not sexual) arrangements, incest doesn’t
involve consenting adults, and (hello?) adultery
actually is a protected right, one that is frequent
ly enjoyed by several members of Congress.
Whew. I feel better now.
I find it ironic that a man whose name
derives from the Latin sanctorum, meaning an
inviolably private space, should be so eager to
violate the private space of U.S. citizens. It’s
not just bigoted and un-American; it’s down
right evil.
A nd while we’re on the subject, here’s what
else the dishonorable gentleman from Pennsyl
vania had to say: “T he definition of marriage
has not ever to my knowledge included hom o
sexuality. T h a t’s not to pick on homosexuality.
It’s not, you know, man on child, man on dog,
or whatever the case may be.”
Ah, the old bestiality argument. I’ve always
found it odd that our opponents are obsessed
with the subject. I mean, I know plenty of queers
who treat their animals like they’re people, but
that doesn’t mean we, y’know, boff them.
So just who are these animal fornicators the
senator is so worried about? A cting on an
The Dishonorable Rick Santorum
THE GOSPEL
ACCORDING
TO MARC
by M arc Acito
anonymous tip, I decided to track down the
most notorious bestialists of all. I’m speaking,
of course, about W ilbur and Mr. Ed.
sat down recently with W ilbur Post to ask
what first attracted him to the famous talking
horse. “I don’t know, we just had a natural
chemistry together,” he said, “like Tracy and
Hepburn. So much of that witty banter was us
just ad-libbing. A nd you couldn’t deny that Ed
was, w ell...hung like a horse.”
“How did your family react V'
“They were upset, naturally. My mother
cried and asked me why I couldn’t at least have
chosen a female horse. But my father was more
philosophical. He pulled me aside and said:
‘Wilbur, when I was a boy, we may have slept
with the sheep, but we didn’t marry them. Back
then, it was just Wham, bam, thank you lamb.’ ”
W ilbur went on to tell how rom antic it
was at first: carriage rides through the park
with Ed pulling the carriage, lingering in cafes
over espresso and sugar cubes. But eventually
the bloom came off the rose— mainly because
Ed ate it.
I
“We were out dancing in a club and Ed got
carried away doing the Pony and broke his
leg,” W ilbur said, his voice quivering with
emotion. “But the worst part was that the vet
erinary hospital wouldn’t allow me to shoot
him because I wasn’t family."
Wilbur looked away, tears
streaming down his face.
“I got to keep the
remains, though,” he
said. “T hey’re a great
comfort to me.” He
pointed to a bottle of
Elmer’s Glue on the
mantle. “So you see, Sen.
Santorum ’s right. W e’re
just like gay people. Ours
was the love that dare not
speak its mane.”
I pondered his
point for a
moment. “Nice
try, Wilbur," I
said, “but it’s just
not the same. A
horse is a horse.”
He nodded
sadly. “O f course,
of course.”
torum, but I know he won’t listen. After all, he
met with the good folks of PFLAG and insult
ed them by refusing to apologize. So I’ve decid
ed to form a new homo political action com
mittee just to raise funds for his next opponent.
I’m calling it the Fudge PAC.
I’m sorry, but it’s time for this pinhead to
go. Santorum leads the Senate opposition to
late-term abortions, tried to sneak creationism
into an education bill and defended Trent
Lott’s comments about Strom
Thurmond. He even
called Lott “a man
of tremendous
integrity” and said
he did not view
Thurmond, who
ran for president in
1948 on a segrega
tionist platform, as
a segregationist.
W hich just goes to prove that
Santorum ’s wife, Karen, honored
last year as “Homemaker of the Year" by
homo hater Phyllis Schlafly, is
something of a bestialist herself.
After all, she’s been having sex
with a horse’s ass for years.
And that, my friends, is The
Gospel According to Marc. | H
M arc A cito is a Portland
syndicated urriter.
Write him at
marc@marcacito. com.
j wish I could
make this distinc
tion to Rick San
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