Image provided by: University of Oregon Libraries; Eugene, OR
About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (May 16, 2003)
may 16, 20Û3 * * “ * “ * 5 3 HUMOR s your car gay? This question has been posed recently hy both Gay.com and Car.com, which means it’s only a matter of time before some enterprising soul creates GayCar.com. But just what is a gay car? A car that’s attracted to other cars? A car that goes to the body shop a lot? A car that pulls to the left? And are cars manufactured gay, or do they get that way after you stick a Madonna C D in the disc player? O f course, kxiking at your car as an expres sion of your sexual identity is not only ridicu lous, it’s narcissistic and self-absorbed, which 1 guess explains why I’ve given the matter so much thought. Usually I don’t think about cars at all. Cars are Boy Stuff, and the only Boy Stuff I care about is below the waist, not under the hood. To me, rack-and-pinion steering sounds like something a Master does in his dungeon. Nonetheless, a few forward-thinking car companies are actively targeting gay customers. Ford Motor Co. recently funded a huge market research project to discover the car needs of gay men and lesbians, and it came to the stun ning conclusion that our car needs are pretty much the same as straight people’s— four wheels, brakes, that kind of thing. But it did discover enough new information to try an ad campaign for Jaguar targeted at gay men. Perhaps you’ve seen it. It reads: “Life is full of twists and turns. Care for a partner?" Which I guess means if you buy a luxury car, you’ll get a boyfriend. Or at least a lot of debt. They wasted their money. If Jaguar wants to reach gay men, it should put a pom star in a con vertible with his hard-on resting on the steering wheel and a caption reading, “Steer this.” Car talk I OUR PLANTS ARE 6 ON THE KINSEY SCALE Queers at the wheel THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO MARC by M arc Acito Jaguars don’t even rank among the top 10 gay favorites in the Car.com survey, hut Volks- wagens take up four of the slots. (Which of course begs the question, “How many slots can you fit in a Volkswagen?” ) Interestingly, straight women voted for the same cars (Jetta, Beetle, G olf and Cabrio), while lesbians over whelmingly chose station wagons and trucks. (Does serial monogamy have anything to do with this apparent need to haul stuff around?) Meanwhile, some lesbians will he appalled to discover they share a fondness for the Ford FI 50 with (ick, p<x>h, blech) straight men. And apparently lesbians and gay men have more in common than our mutual societal oppression— a shared admiration for the Jeep Wrangler! S omething you won’t find in any survey, however, is whether your car is a top or a bottom. This subject recently generated some very contentious dinner party debate at my house, which tells you just how shallow my friends and I can he. You see, my friend BoBo insists the Jeep VW O Wrangler is a top because Brian Kinney drove one on Queer as Folk. But then again, so did Mindy on Mork & Mindy. Here’s a test: If you can imagine a perky sitcom heroine driving your car, then your car takes it up the tailpipe. The VW Beetle, for instance, with its adorable built-in hud vase— that car is so nelly, its air hags probably come with matching pillow shams. I bet the new con vertible version even has rearview vanity mirrors. OK, I admit it. I’d buy one tomorrow if I could afford it. You see, my car is hopelessly heterosexual. Floyd and I bought our champagne-colored (OK, I guess it’s a little queer) Infinity sedan when we owned a business and our main social activi ty was networking with the buttoned- down brains of the Chamber of Com merce. And because we needed to make deliveries, we also drove that leshian/straight guy favorite, the Ford FI 50, which I couldn’t wait to get rid of. (N o offense to you lesbians, straight guys or Ford 150s.) But now that Floyd and I free-lance from home, we’d like a car that better reflects our lifestyle— y’know, something that says, “We’re middle-aged and denying it every mile of the way." So even though our car can’t help being straight, I don’t feel any need to accept it the way it is. You see, unlike sexual orientations, you can always change your car by trading it in for a new one. And that, my friends, is The Gospel According to Marc. J H M arc A cito loves the feel of a gear shift in his Î\ o y J Cor " Experienced Hair Care Services J/¿zzz CBruncfi cS en es ABOARD THE PORTLAND SPIRIT Every Sunday through September, Portland Spirit hosts our } r d A nn u al Jazz Brunch Scries. It's a different artist and a new sound weekly. Join us fo r one or multiple performances. N IE (at Escapade in Hollywood) C lSTU S NURSERY 22711 N W G I LU H AN ROAD SAUVIE ISLAND w e d - s u n 10-5 by Appointment W V«'W .cV\vt«V.'é\oyJ.o*>3 Girl, you need to get OUT more! Have you tried the lust Fri ends voice personals? U pcom ing C ru ise Events: Check out page 5 4 . or submit your own 50 word ad for free right now at www.justout.coml First Jazz Brunch Cruise - June ist, featuring Gideon Hawkins— 11 year old child prodigy and saxophone player. C all (80 0 ) 224-39 0 1 or (503) 2 2 4 -3 9 0 0 Visit www.portlaridspirit.com
