may 16, 20Û3 * * “ * “ * 5 3
HUMOR
s your car gay?
This question has been posed recently
hy both Gay.com and Car.com, which
means it’s only a matter of time before some
enterprising soul creates GayCar.com.
But just what is a gay car? A car that’s
attracted to other cars? A car that goes to the
body shop a lot? A car that pulls to the left?
And are cars manufactured gay, or do they get
that way after you stick a Madonna C D in the
disc player?
O f course, kxiking at your car as an expres
sion of your sexual identity is not only ridicu
lous, it’s narcissistic and self-absorbed, which 1
guess explains why I’ve given the matter so
much thought.
Usually I don’t think about cars at all. Cars
are Boy Stuff, and the only Boy Stuff I care
about is below the waist, not under the hood.
To me, rack-and-pinion steering sounds like
something a Master does in his dungeon.
Nonetheless, a few forward-thinking car
companies are actively targeting gay customers.
Ford Motor Co. recently funded a huge market
research project to discover the car needs of
gay men and lesbians, and it came to the stun
ning conclusion that our car needs are pretty
much the same as straight people’s— four
wheels, brakes, that kind of thing.
But it did discover enough new information
to try an ad campaign for Jaguar targeted at gay
men. Perhaps you’ve seen it. It reads: “Life is
full of twists and turns. Care for a partner?"
Which I guess means if you buy a luxury car,
you’ll get a boyfriend. Or at least a lot of debt.
They wasted their money. If Jaguar wants to
reach gay men, it should put a pom star in a con
vertible with his hard-on resting on the steering
wheel and a caption reading, “Steer this.”
Car talk
I
OUR PLANTS ARE 6
ON THE KINSEY SCALE
Queers at the wheel
THE GOSPEL
ACCORDING
TO MARC
by M arc Acito
Jaguars don’t even rank among the top 10
gay favorites in the Car.com survey, hut Volks-
wagens take up four of the slots. (Which of
course begs the question, “How many slots can
you fit in a Volkswagen?” ) Interestingly,
straight women voted for the same cars (Jetta,
Beetle, G olf and Cabrio), while lesbians over
whelmingly chose station wagons and trucks.
(Does serial monogamy have anything to do
with this apparent need to haul stuff around?)
Meanwhile, some lesbians will he appalled
to discover they share a fondness for the Ford
FI 50 with (ick, p<x>h, blech) straight men.
And apparently lesbians and gay men have
more in common than our mutual societal
oppression— a shared admiration for the Jeep
Wrangler!
S
omething you won’t find in any survey,
however, is whether your car is a top or a
bottom. This subject recently generated
some very contentious dinner party debate at
my house, which tells you just how shallow my
friends and I can he.
You see, my friend BoBo insists the Jeep
VW O
Wrangler is a top because Brian Kinney drove
one on Queer as Folk. But then again, so did
Mindy on Mork & Mindy.
Here’s a test: If you can imagine a perky
sitcom heroine driving your car, then your car
takes it up the tailpipe. The VW Beetle, for
instance, with its adorable built-in hud vase—
that car is so nelly, its air hags probably come
with matching pillow shams. I bet the new con
vertible version even has rearview vanity mirrors.
OK, I admit it. I’d buy one
tomorrow if I
could afford it.
You see, my car is
hopelessly
heterosexual.
Floyd and I bought our
champagne-colored (OK, I
guess it’s a little queer)
Infinity sedan when we
owned a business and
our main social activi
ty was networking
with the buttoned-
down brains of the
Chamber of Com
merce. And because
we needed to make
deliveries, we also
drove that
leshian/straight guy
favorite, the Ford
FI 50, which I couldn’t
wait to get rid of. (N o offense to you lesbians,
straight guys or Ford 150s.)
But now that Floyd and I free-lance from
home, we’d like a car that better reflects our
lifestyle— y’know, something that says, “We’re
middle-aged and denying it every mile of the
way." So even though our car can’t help being
straight, I don’t feel any need to accept it the
way it is.
You see, unlike sexual orientations, you can
always change your car by trading it in for a
new one.
And that, my friends, is The Gospel
According to Marc. J H
M arc A cito loves the feel of a gear shift in his
Î\ o y J
Cor
"
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