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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Feb. 21, 2003)
42 :uaty-2L-2Qûa HUMOR ........ f ........ M oney* w^at s a 1944 Celeste Holm musical?” These kinds of requests are frequently m shouted across my house hy my boyfriend, Mr. Times-Crossword-Puzzle-in-Ink. “Bloomer Grri,” I shout hack. I’m hopeless when it comes to crosswords (eight-letter word for my attitude: W-H-O- C -A -R-E-S), hut I’m a reliable source for the occasional music theater reference. The fact is, I’ve never seen Bloom er Girl. I’ve never heard Blixxmer Girl. Hell, I don’t even know what a bloomer girl is. But I do know that BLxrmer G irl was a 1944 Celeste Holm musical. You see, I’m not just a music theater queen, I’m an empress. And I have been ever since I hurst out of the womb crying: “Hello, everybtxJy! My name’s June. W hat’s yours F I mean, I was the 9-year-old who scolded the clerks in the record department at Sears for putting original cast albums under "sound tracks.” When I went to college I even majored in musical theater. Like the song says, “Gayer than laughter am I.” Certainly it’s no accident that plays without music are called “straight plays.” But what is it about musicals that so captivates gay men? It’s not because musicals are created by gay men, although they often are. In fact, Arthur Freed’s production unit, responsible for nearly all of the classic MGM musicals of the 1940s and '50s, was so queer it was known in the industry as “Freed’s Fairies.” Likewise for the creative teams behind the current hits Chicago and Hcurspray, as well as nearly every high school production since the dawn of time. But lots of straight men create musicals and lots go to them, although I’m sure many a Give 'em the old razzle dazzle Gay men and musicals THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO MARC b y M a rc Acito mother has brought her sissy hoy to a matinee of Annie and gone home singing, “My son’ll come out...tomorrow!” St) what is it about musicals? Here’s an eight-letter word for my attitude: W-H-O- C-A-R-E-S? Musicals are fun; they’re buoyant and joy ful and not prone to a lot of introspection. Look at Cats, which is a two-hour pageant to see which feline gets into kitty heaven. (Again, W -H -O-C-A-R-E-S?) They should post a sign in the lobby saying, “Warning: This musical contains material which may insult your intelligence.” And even a classic like Oklahoma! is just a simple story about who Laurie will choose to escort her to the box social, which sounds to me like a lesbian potluck. Critics of the form snipe that “people in real life don’t burst into song.” Oh yeah? I know guys who are so queer they not only burst into song, they burst into flames. Presumably one of the reasons Chicago is such a hit is that it solves this problem by mak ing all the songs occur in the character Roxie Hart’s head. Now don’t get me wrong; I loved this movie. (Richard Gere has the role of a life time as a sleazy lawyer. And Catherine Zeta- Jones has the role of a lifetime as an oppor tunistic gold digger who’ll do any thing for publici ty. She also plays one in the film.) But the crit ics miss the point. Musi cals are back because we need them. Now more than ever. This is a form that blos somed during the anxieties of a world at war; in fact, research shows that Carol Channing actually started touring in Hello, Dolly! during the Crusades. We miss seeing movies with scenes like the one where Renée Zell weger dances on top of the word “Roxie” in lights, although to be more accurate it should have said, “Anoroxie." (I thought she was terrific, but it’s definitely time for this girl to go back on solid fcxxls. Rumor has it she collapsed in rehearsals from exhaustion and was faxed to the hospital.) Even the stepchild of musicals, the beach movie, is being revived with a spring break- themed film recently rushed into production starring American Idol’s Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini, the latter of whom is clearly destined for greatness because he has Barbra Streisand’s hairdo from A Star Is Bom . I think we should just recut all the current movies to make them musicals. For instance, in Far from Heaven when Julianne Moore walks in on Dennis Quaid with another man, you could splice in some footage of him as Jerry Lee Lewis singing, “Goodness gracious, great balls of fire!” And in an effort to lighten up Gangs o f N ew York, you could use the scene in C harlie’s Angels where Cameron Diaz dances in her Spider-Man underpants. Now if we can just figure out how to get Nicole Kidman singing “Material Girl” into The Hours, we’d be set. Like the song says, “Wouldn’t it be loverly?” And that, my friends, is The Gospel According to Marc, j n M a r c A c it o can be reached at m arcacito& attbi. com . 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